THROWAWAY
DADS;
Children's struggle for wholeness in the wake of divorce.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
At
five years old, I was caught in the middle of a divorce and custody
battle between my parents. My folks were both good and honest
people, but my father was the healthier parent and had
the presence of mind to recognize this at the time, and fight
for me. Still, I was 'awarded' to my mother. Two years after my
parents split from each other, my mother was hospitalized and
absent physically or emotionally for long stretches of
time throughout the remainder of my childhood. According to relatives
years later, the signs of her disease had been "somewhat
apparent" beforehand--but we weren't as savvy about paying
attention to anomalies or diagnosing mental illness in those days.
Back in the fifties, custody was automatically awarded
to mothers; unfortunately this practice still exists, and the
consequences to children can be tragic.
My
father was the source of virtually all my affection and attention,
and we shared a very close and special bond. When he left, it
felt like the bottom of my world dropped out. Being without him
trapped me in unimaginable pain and emptiness, as there
was no one capable of comforting me, or filling this void in his
absence. My mother had (falsely) accused him of 'molestation,'
a reliable catchword among vindictive wives and divorce attorneys
back then (and now). Visitation with my dad was sporadic, in part
because of our 'justice system,' but mostly due to instinctual
measures to mend his broken heart, and survive what surely must
have felt like an amputation. It certainly did to me!
Dazed,
I wandered around for months with what seemed like a huge hole
in my middle, like a cannon ball had been shot through
me. At the age of five, my capacity to articulate this pain was
naturally limited--but in retrospect, I'd managed to envision
an extremely accurate picture of my loss. Starting school in the
midst of this upheaval made it impossible for me to focus on learning
anything, and I'm certain this set me back for a number of years.
Still,
divorce may be the healthiest alternative for your children
and for you! Leaving a marriage does not mean "abandoning"
your children. Any child who grows up with constant tension and/or
fighting between his parents, must survive living in a war zone!
This is grossly unfair to a child--but it's only the tip of this
iceberg. Children learn from example; mean-spirited/disrespectful
interplay between spouses becomes a child's definition
for what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he or she will unwittingly
choose partners with whom to replicate this familiar
drama, or may never marry at all. Seeing loving, caring interactions
between grown-ups is one of the greatest gifts you can give a
child, as he/she will be looking forward to these pleasurable
experiences in adulthood--and have a sense of how to
create them! This dynamic may be achievable within a marriage,
or it may not--but staying for the "children's sake,"
is often more about the parents' needs, than about the
kids.
I've
met with and spoken to countless men who've forged stronger and
more loving, healthy attachments with their children than their
ex-wives have (or could). I'm privy to men's stories that unwittingly
reveal their ex-spouses or lovers to be personality disordered.
Far too many of these women are poorly equipped to raise children
in ways that are consistently loving, nurturing and stable. To
make matters worse, these kids are being programmed to hate
their fathers, and men in general. This has crucial
ramifications for female and male children,
in terms of their ability to build healthy self-esteem, and forge
sound relationship dynamics in adulthood! These women often carry
significant abandonment wounds from their childhood,
having (also) been raised by emotionally impaired mothers,
and unresolved primal rage from this period is projected
onto their ex-husbands and kids. Parental Alienation Syndrome
is a direct outcome of this rage, and poses a very real and present
danger to the mental health of our society.
Narcissistic
and Borderline Personality Disorders stem from deficits
in loving attention, positive mirroring and nurturance during
infancy and early phases of childhood. Attachment and abandonment
issues result from these wounds to an infant's sense of Self,
which are prompted/driven by the mother. Until
resolved, this wounding is usually re-created and perpetuated
within each new generation. Trust (in self and others) should
be established between an infant and his/her mother within the
first year of life, as this symbiotic attachment is vital
to our sense of well being. The issue of solid emotional bonding
does not fall within the domain of the father's role, until a
few years later (unless the more nourishing/primal attachment
is established with him, instead of the mother). Sometimes
referred to as core trauma or narcissistic injury,
a child's earliest and most critical
bonding experience is punctuated by a mother's lack of empathic/nurturing
response and emotional attunement
to her infant.
There
is no doubt I would have greatly benefitted from living with my
father, who was far better equipped to provide a stable
and nourishing foundation for me and my growth. But in contrast
to a number of friends and colleagues, I was lucky in certain
respects; my mother was not mean-spirited, critical and
emotionally undermining--she just wasn't well or whole,
which derailed her capacity to meet her children's intrinsic needs.
We
learn to love ourselves and others, by how we were loved
as kids. I've personally done a great deal of self-healing
in response to childhood deficits, and I'm grateful that this
journey has enhanced my ability to assist others. But in hindsight,
so many years were focused on surmounting these traumas and surviving,
rather than being able to construct a life more viable, and actually
thriving.
Children
have important needs that transcend basic physical care.
Orphaned infants in the sixties were subjected to 'Failure
To Thrive' studies, that unequivocally proved the relationship
between nurturant care and physical
health and longevity. One of the two test groups was given basic
care; food, diapering, bathing, warmth and shelter--but deprived
of tender/caring touch and holding, loving glances and verbal
expressions of warmth and affection. A considerable number of
these babies became ill and died.
Perhaps
we should devise measures for assessing the emotional
health of parents, before divorce courts award custody. While
this seems a daunting task, it might enable more kids to become
adults who develop stable, loving and enduring attachments,
and significantly reduce divorce statistics! It's my unflinching
belief that every person's entitled to this, and every child
who's brought into this world deserves the very best
opportunity to thrive.
[This
article was reprinted/published by The Liberator, America's Shared-parenting
Quarterly; Summer 2006, Volume 33 #2 www.acfc.org.]
If
you're seeking help with this issue, or your group/organization
would like me to speak on this topic, please feel free to contact
me.
Meet
the Author