SEX
& LOVE FORUM
www.GettinBetter.com
These letters
concern matters of sex, love and dating. If you've landed here through
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topic pertaining to your
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Q.
Is it wrong for me to keep seeing someone (sexually) if I know
it's not going anywhere, and there's no future?
A.
This depends on whether the other person is apprised of where they
stand with you! If you've been honest about your
feelings (or lack of them), and you're both able to appreciate/enjoy
the nature of this connection with no strings attached,
I see no harm in continuing.
Q.
Shari, my buddies and I have had an ongoing debate about this
for years; does size matter to women??
A.
Dear Sir, this depends on the woman. Just as males are
anatomically different, so are females. When a woman's vaginal canal
is deeper than average, she can accommodate/enjoy a larger penis.
Others may be built considerably smaller or shallower inside, and
(to avoid pain) need to be with a man who can't thrust as deep,
or irritate sensitive tissues. Some females consider oral stimulation
more pleasurable and satisfying than intercourse. Others like having
their cervix (opening to the uterus) stimulated during sex by someone
who can reach it, and relish deeper/fuller
penetration. So it seems that expression; "different strokes
for different folks" still holds true!
Q.
I'm dating a great guy, but I hate the way
he kisses! There's too much tongue, and it's like I've got this
thing shoved in my mouth, and I'm unable to respond.
I've always been very oral, and can get totally aroused (and even
climax) while only kissing, but with him,
it's just not working. The rest of our contact is pretty good, but
I can't fully connect when this part's off. He
always leads with his tongue (such a turn-off) and I've barely ever
felt his lips! I've tried to explain/show him what 'works' for me,
but he gets angry or sullen when I do. This has become such a frustrating
issue, I'm about ready to move on. Am I being too hasty?
A.
The Romantic Kiss is our first intimate contact beyond
a handshake. It's supposed to be an interactive
exchange--a sensual dance shared by two. Kissing helps us discern
potential; if our mouths don't fit, the
rest of it won't matter. "Good kissing" is completely
subjective; if someone shares your style,
you'll think he's a great kisser! If not, you'll be right
where you are. Sensory explorations during the kiss can
be erotic/compelling, but a man who routinely leads
with his tongue, might have control issues. You can't respond, because
you're not being allowed to--but you must accept what he
chooses to give, whether it's pleasurable for you or not; this
is just one description of narcissism.
There are many different styles of kissing--but between
humans, it's generally done with the lips.
If your guy isn't willing to connect with you in this way,
you should anticipate other struggles as well.
Q. Shari,
I've recently had a phone interaction with a man I felt a wonderful
(and rare) connection with. He contacted me through a single's dating
site, and frankly, I'd almost given up on finding someone who sparked
feelings of "potential." Our dialogue flowed easily and
naturally and our cerebral/ spiritual chemistry was terrific. We
were both so excited about the unique-ness of our contact, we made
plans to get together that same night to see if there was physical
attraction as well. Sadly, he never phoned (as promised) to firm
up our plan, but called an hour before we were scheduled to meet
(finally returning my 2 calls to him) explaining
he'd gotten "hung up" with a meeting. It quickly became
obvious we woudn't be able to meet that night, but he said he'd
call over the next couple of days to "talk and set up another
date," which he never did. I feel disappointed and perplexed
by this incident. I've never been comfortable chasing after men,
so I'm not sure what to do. "Confused"
A.
Dear Confused, welcome to the harsh reality of online dating. It
can be a useful tool for meeting people, but may yield more quantity
than quality. It seems a lot of folks on these services are ambivalent
about being in a relationship. They may be licking their wounds
from their last failed attempt, but craving the interaction, stimulation
and ego refueling this "safe" contact offers. Personally,
I think these sites are a sort of relationship pergatory
for people not yet ready to bond again. Some have unfinished business
from a past relationship that makes them scared to re-engage, and
some have been terrified of real intimacy and closeness
their whole lives! Often, what people say they want is
very different from what they truly desire (or are 'ready'
to have). Bottom line, trust your instincts. When you meet someone
whose words aren't congruent with his actions, pay attention,
'cause he's showing you
what you can anticipate from him in the future. Try getting involved
in new activities or taking classes in areas of interest. You're
likely to find more substantive people with whom you're compatible.
Q.
I love a man who's considerably older, by 22 years. We're compatible
on so many levels, the age thing doesn't seem to matter. We have
wonderful times together, and (after 19 months) he's asked me to
marry him. I'm very excited, but the problem is, he's not much younger
than my parents, and they've had a hard time accepting
this relationship. A few of my friends have been concerned about
the age issue, and have jokingly referred to him as my "sugar-daddy."
I've dated quite a bit, and was once married to someone 'age-appropriate,'
but have never felt a connection like this with anyone else. I think
I'm a bit afraid of what my friends and family will think about
our engagement, and I'm literally losing sleep over how to break
this news to them!
A.
Love can arrive in surprising packages. Your parents may want to
save you from making errors in judgment that could hurt you--but
at some point, they must accept that you're capable of making sound,
adult decisions. What matters most, is the quality of connection
the two of you share. It's natural to want everyone to accept and
appreciate this man as you do, but give them time to know him better.
When they observe how happy you are, how could
they object? As you focus on your fiance's lovable qualities,
your friends and family will probably follow suit. You cannot control
other people's feelings or responses; when you attempt to, you'll
be miserable. Stay positive, and don't try to predetermine
their reactions. Let loved ones know how excited/thrilled you are
to be marrying a man that you adore, and can hardly wait to share
your life with.
Q.
I've been seeing a man for over a month, and we've gotten very
close during this time. Our intimacy is steadily deepening, and
I'm feeling great about this--but I'm a bit concerned and afraid.
When I convey that I love him, he doesn't always say it back, and
this feels really hurtful to me. I feel like I'm going out on a
limb by telling him how much I care, and it makes me want to run
away when I think he doesn't feel the same. I'm sensing
this relationship has potential to grow, but how can I get him to
be more expressive about his feelings for me?
A.
Whoa, my dear. Love and trust take time to develop/establish, and
there's just no way around that. Shortcuts seldom work out, and
are typically driven by an inner emptiness
we're trying to fill up. This is still a very young relationship,
and infatuation at this stage is natural. People move at
different paces with respect to emotional bonding--and the phrase,
"I love you" might be considered
more sacred/meaningful to someone else, than it is to you. Those
three little words can't actually mean much, if there's
expectation or demand for reciprocation. If you
have irrepressible urges to verbalize affection for your partner,
it's probably springing from genuine feelings,
and you've determined it's safe to tell him. Your beau should never
have to feel obliged to parrot the words back (any more
than you should), as this renders them inauthentic. If
he's caught up in intensely loving emotions at the exact moment
you are, he might return the sentiment--but this presumes that the
two of you are having identical emotional experiences at
any given time, and that's unrealistic! Can you both agree to keep
it honest, and try to share (all) your feelings as they come up?
At this juncture, it may be less scary for you both
to say; "Wow, in this moment, I'm really crazy about
you!" or, "I'm really loving you right now."
These qualifiers can diffuse concerns that might be swirling around
about the future, and allow each of you to stay grounded
in the Now. Give him space to grow his feelings and ease
into this attachment, or you may frighten him off.
Q.
Why are good girls are drawn to "bad boys"? My friend's
terrific; she's a good student, a hard worker and a great friend.
The trouble is, she keeps getting involved with the wrong kind of
guy. He's usually a drop-out, seems a little dangerous and can't
hold onto a job. My girlfriend often ends up paying for their dates
and complaining about it--but she keeps going back for more, and
then gets her heart broken. I just don't get it! This happens over
and over, and it seems a little crazy that she continues to date
these guys.
A.
This is a complex issue, but here are a couple of possibilities:
Your friend may be drawn to certain elements in others,
that she's not comfortable owning for herself. Getting involved
with "bad boys" might feel balancing, if she's disowned/discarded
her darker facets, to maintain a "good girl" image (perhaps
to satisfy her parents' expectations). Another aspect of this might
involve a fear of closeness/attachment; since there appears to be
a pattern of romantic disappointment and she continues
to make these (poor) choices, I'd say that dating someone who's
emotionally available,
probably feels too scary.
Q.
My wife has not made love with me in over two years. No matter
how many different ways I've tried to get information on this or
fix the situation, she won't communicate with me about why.
I've begun thinking about getting my needs met elsewhere, but I
know there'd be hell to pay if she found out (she gets furious
if she even catches me masturbating)! I'm feeling lonely, and so
in need of sensual expression and affection, I can barely stand
it. Is it wrong to want/need this in my life? I really don't want
to cheat on my marriage, but it's starting to feel like I have no
choice. Any suggestions?
A.
You're trapped in a control game, but you can choose to
stop playing it. Any partner who withdraws/withholds attention or
affection and won't speak with you about it, isn't seeking
a solution to the problem. Sexual problems in a relationship almost
always indicate deeper issues--but it's the bedroom
stuff that (finally) prompts a couple to seek help! Ask your wife
if she's open to couple's therapy. For some, talking about sexual
preferences or needs can be very difficult/awkward; a skilled professional
should be able to facilitate this, and generally enhance communication
between the two of you. David Schnarch, PhD. authored a book called,
Passionate Marriage. Schnarch discusses the relational
dynamics you're struggling with, and what to do about it. To unhinge
from a spouse's sexual control, he suggests using an approach such
as this: I want a loving/satisfying sex life with you. If you
don't want this, I accept your choice--but please know that I'm
determined to get these needs met, even if it's elsewhere.
Q.
Shari, I recently met an online connection.
We'd shared some phone time and emails, but from the moment I saw
him, he was all over me! I'm just not comfortable with physical
contact until I start to feel a level of affection for someone--but
this guy threw himself around me when I arrived, and kept touching
my arms/hands while we sat and talked. In short, it turned me off.
I've had this happen a few times before, and I'm not sure how to
avoid it. Seems like these men presume you want to be treated this
way, or it's their right to put their hands on you immediately.
Is there any way around this?
A.
You've highlighted an important issue, and you're fully entitled
to these feelings. Each of us has a personal comfort zone, and yours
has evidently been breached. The internet allows for non-physical
intimacy, which (for some) spills over into the first physical meeting.
There are times these feelings/desires will be mutual, and other
times they won't. Some men are connected enough to their
own senses to read/respect your non-verbal cues or body
language, and some aren't! Convey your position on this before
you meet someone; let him know that while you're comfortable with
a hand-shake, you generally need to know him better before
a hug. If he disregards this boundary
when you meet, you've got a fuller sense about this guy, which could
help you avoid difficulties later on.
Q.
Shari, do men have any sense of smell? I just
can't get past bad breath or their over-use of cologne. Aren't they
even aware of these things? It seems they'd want
women to get closer, not be repelled. I can't bring myself to talk
about this stuff, so even when I really like someone, it's easier
to make up another kind of excuse to stop dating him.
A.
If you're planning an exit anyway, seems like there's nothing
to lose by saying that you can't get close
because of this issue, and seeing if he's willing to do
something about it! Men's olfactory nerves can be less
sensitive than women's, but no man wants to "repel" a
lady he's interested in! If he's wearing too much cologne, express
how extra-sensitive your nose is, and ask him to use much
less, or none at all. Breath problems can be trickier, depending
on whether they're related to food odor or poor hygiene. If you're
sharing odorous foods/condiments (garlic, onions, etc.)
this is usually a non-issue--but if not, ask if he can be more mindful
of his intake before your date, and use breath fresheners
when he's with you. Chlorophyll capsules or tablets
taken after a strong smelling meal can mitigate some of this problem.
If he has hygiene issues (breath is yeasty or smells
like garbage), gently tell him his breath is offensive, and gift
him a package of dental floss. If he's looking forward to kissing
you, he might be motivated to clean up his act.
Q.
Do you have resources/help for an issue concerning a divorced
father idealizing his relationship with his children, two of whom
live with their mother and three who are older and on their own?
He can't see any of their flaws and becomes outraged
if anything negative is pointed out to him, or any questions are
raised about how much time or money he spends on them. Thank you.
A.
If you're romantically involved with this man, I'd say you're treading
on very dangerous territory! How someone relates
to his/her children is usually sacred ground, and most
people aren't open to outside input, unless it comes from a professional
(and even then, it may not be well received)! It sounds
as if your voiced concerns about his kids could be experienced as
a personal assault. If your man's narcissistic, he'll be
incapable of confronting his own shortcomings, or seeing "flaws"
in anyone he views as an extension of himself. But aside
from this, I can't help wondering why
you seem compelled to alter how this man spends his time and money.
How and when did this become your business?
Is this a nourishing/satisfying relationship for you? If not, do
you think that changing how he treats his kids will enhance
this? Leave it alone, or move on.
Q.
Dear Shari, I went back to a man I was seeing over a year ago.
Well, we know where this is going: I'd had intensive
therapy related to boundary issues, and thought I was better. I've
recognized that I generally attract abusive men,
and worked on my self-esteem issues. I got back with this guy and
he went through his own emotional upheaval, and began saying that
I was not present. He'd rant and interrupt me--and
finally I started to shut down. I can't believe that I allowed myself
to get to the point where I would argue with him! Now, in his mind
of course, I'm the one with "all the problems."
I really need to get out of this cycle. I didn't resort to name
calling, tried to be patient and helpful while he wigged out--but
gees, after awhile it was too much to bear. Finally, I just exploded.
My business went haywire, and I was so focused on paying my mortgage,
that his neediness for sex and attention was too much to accommodate.
I need to be solidified in my own skin and better at making choices
for myself--I'm 49 years old, for goodness sake! I've read nearly
every article on your site. I met a guy awhile back, who appeared
to have clear cut boundaries, and I let him go! Help me break this
cycle of dysfunction!!!
A.
In my experience, re-runs never work out; after
all, you've already seen that movie, and
you know exactly how it ends! I think it would be useful for you
to reframe your statement about attracting
"abusive men"; more accurately, you are attracted
to them. Healthier choices entail resolving/ healing
childhood wounds that impact self-worth, and (subconsciously) perpetuate
these selections. Meaningful inner work can dismantle early
'core' issues, so we're
not compelled to repeat them within our adult attachments.
We tend to get with/stay with people who
match our level of emotional development. In a
sense, they're a mirror for us, helping to reflect where
we'd benefit from working on ourselves. I'm sensing an (internalized)
'critical parent' in your expressions of what you think you "need"
to do. Try changing your state-ments to "I want,"
and you'll lower your rebellion/resistance to making better, more
sound adult choices.
Q.
Should I tell a romantic interest about my genital herpes
diagnosis in the uncertainty stage of a new relationship?
A. This is actually a timing issue, but you're demonstrating
solid character and consideration for others, in thinking
this through. There
are no absolutes regarding when to have these conversations,
but they're never easy. Bringing this
up too soon exposes you unnecessarily, and may be more
information than a very new romance can handle. Waiting
too long can be emotionally wrenching, because there's
more on the line (in terms of potential loss). If/when you start
to sense that this relationship could
have a future and/or you've chosen to sexualize it, this
is the time to discuss your diagnosis (but not
as you're climbing into bed!). Begin by describing your feelings
about broaching this topic; "this is difficult, scary,
awkward," etc., which will help you share the rest
more easily. Saying you've "been exposed" to the herpes
virus and are feeling a responsibility to let him/her know before
you move ahead, is a good way to continue. Allow for questions,
and answer them as best you can. Sharing this news may invoke less
concern if you've already established some emotional trust--and
you might learn that he/she has the virus as well, which
makes this a non-issue. If your friend freaks out, there
probably wasn't potential for something more than physical.
Q.
Can you please tell me why so many females
are shaving their pubic areas? Being with someone
who's shaved makes me feel like I'm with a little girl, not a woman;
frankly, it's not an erotic or sensual experience for me. I'm not
even buying men's magazines anymore, because the pictures are of
girls who are mostly bare down there. I think women
are supposed to have fur on this part of their bodies. Pardon me,
but why else would we call them "pussies?"
A.
Each of us has different preferences in terms of what we consider
alluring, but I think you may be speaking for a significant
number of males. Furtively looking through Dad's Playboy
magazines during adolescence may have influenced what's erotic
to you as a grown man, but it's hard to know exactly what
drives sexual proclivities or fetishes. As we mature, we discover
what 'sparks' us about another's physicality, and (thankfully)
"there's a lid for every pot." Females can differ
in personal comfort with respect to this body feature,
and usually express their own style/taste in grooming it. A woman's
pubic hair actually funnels urine away from the body, which
can help keep her cleaner. Many have noticed that these hairs function
as tiny antennae that invoke pleasurable responses to the
lightest/most subtle touch. Some men love being with a woman who's
clean shaven (and insist on it), as oral sex is more pleasurable
for them when this area's completely exposed, and their
lover(s) may feel similarly. Others like yourself, want to be with
a partner who looks (and feels) more natural and womanly. For many,
it makes no difference either way. Your reference to pedophilia
is intriguing, and could certainly be a topic for debate. Interestingly
enough, preferences for or against pubic hair don't seem
to be confined to a specific demographic, as I've heard differing
opinions from men of all ages on this. Fad and fashion
have always dictated personal trends; some of 'em stick, and some
don't. Sadly for you, it appears this one's destined to
be around for awhile.
Q.
Is it true that men become better lovers later in life?
A.
In a word, yes. More accurately, there's greater
potential for it. Sexual changes occur as we age, due (in part)
to decreasing hormone levels. If our emotional/psychic development
keeps up with our chronology, priorities can't help but shift with
respect to connection and attachment; our lovemaking usually reflects
this. In our youth, relationships are primarily driven by sexual
attraction--later on, we tend to look for additional values
in a partner that are compatible and nourishing to us. Men who've
navigated this part of their growth successfully, tend to take more
time with a lover, have less focus on climax and derive greater
pleasure from a variety of sensual and intimate aspects
of sharing, besides intercourse. This means, the entire experience
takes on richer dimensions that make it more fully satisfying
and intense (mature women may crave this as well). Vasodilators
like Levitra, Viagra, Cialis, etc., enable older men to have spontaneous
erections, and some of them think this should still happen
like when they were thirty-something. Others realize it's the quality
of connection they share with a partner that matters most,
and allow themselves to respond (naturally) to those feelings.
Q.
Shari, I'm dating a man in his late fifties who keeps
asking for my input on dressing himself. At this
age and with a closet full of Armani, it's doubtful
he's lacking confidence in this area, and he does just fine when
I'm not there to help him! At first, I was flattered he valued my
opinion and admired my style sense, but this has gone way
beyond occasionally asking which tie goes best with a suit. Frankly,
it's becoming a turn-off. I mean, what the hell
did he do before I came along?? I want/need to
be with a grown man (not a boy), and if I'd wanted
to have a kid, I'd have figured out how to make that happen years
ago! How can I get it across that I don't want
this job?! "Stuck in the closet."
A.
Dear Stuck, there could literally be thousands of women
reading this right now, who'd switch places with you in a heartbeat!
Nevertheless, your man's behavior repels you, and this should be
respected. Frankly, almost nothing kills sexual
excitement/tension between a man and woman faster, than
when a partner is parentified (no matter
who's promoting it)! First, encourage him to trust
his own "excellent" sense of style. Second, stop
responding with this type of assistance. If you've already discussed
this issue and he's failed to be responsive to your concerns, try
letting him know that this behavior doesn't feel erotic/compelling
to you, and it could inhibit your sexual desire. If that
doesn't get his attention, he may need a mother
more than a lover.
Q.
I'm unable to climax with a woman during intercourse. Other
times are no problem, but I'm wondering why this happens.
A.
There could be many reasons you're having this difficulty, which
is actually considered a form of impotency. If
you're practicing safe sex, latex condoms inhibit conduction
of body heat and sensations of friction; polyurethane condoms (Avanti)
or a lambskin variety (Forex) help circumvent these issues, but
are only available in a standard size. If this is happening
when you're not wearing protection, your
inability to orgasm could have a psychic/emotional basis, and be
related to deeper issues. You might have some fear or anxiety about
getting someone pregnant, or getting too close. Men are
extremely vulnerable (physically/emotionally) at the point of climax,
and subconsciously you may not want to surrender control.
Wanting to hold back your orgasm to please a sexual partner is natural
and fine, but if you're overly focused
on this, you might push beyond the level of physical sensitivity
that makes it possible. All these elements can be influences, but
consistent inability to climax inside a woman's vagina
may be worth exploring within a therapeutic context.
Q.
Shari, I recently met a man I felt a unique
connection with, and it was thrilling to (finally) be on the same
page with someone I'd met totally by chance! It seems he felt similarly,
and immediately began talking about "our future together."
This felt premature to me, and I said so--but we shared some great
conversation, kissed a little and made plans to spend the following
day together. The upshot is, he never called, and I have no way
of reaching him. I thought this guy was genuine, but now
I'm feeling like a fool. What do you make of this?
A.
Ahhhh, chance meetings. These can be delicious, but you
really don't know 'who' you're actually dealing with. A man who
'fast-forwards' is generally not comfortable being in the
moment or feeling his way through a situation, which suggests
a lack of confidence. He may have been seeking a quick, easy sexual
encounter, and you didn't accommodate that fantasy (thank goodness).
His inability or unwillingness to give you the courtesy
of a follow-up call to say he wouldn't be meeting with you again,
is passive-aggressive
behavior that speaks to a lack of emotional development (and character).
You're not foolish. You've just met someone who's good at seducing
women, but scared of getting closer to them; this can stem from
unresolved mother
issues.
Q.
I recently met a woman I felt a strong attraction with, and
asked her out. After our initial get-together, I asked to see her
again and she indicated she didn't feel we were compatible. I was
very disappointed by this, and tried to change
her mind. It didn't seem like her reasons were substantial enough
to avoid getting better acquainted; we live in different worlds
(career-wise), there's roughly a 15 year age gap (she's older),
but she said we didn't seem to have enough in common
to allow "potential for more." Frankly, I don't think
she's even open for a relationship, but I'm really
pissed off! I feel dismissed without being given
a chance, and it seems unfair. What do you think?
A.
Dear Dismissed, situations like this are probably not
fair. When our excitement isn't matched
by another, a variety of feelings (besides disappointment)
can get triggered; insecurity, unworthiness, self-doubt, etc. An
older woman may be more romantically experienced, and have
acquired a solid sense of herself and her emotional needs. This
could mean her priorities are very different than yours;
she may be interested in building a long-term, meaningful bond with
a compatible partner, rather than taking advantage of opportunities
for casual dating or sex (particularly if her career's gratifying).
Intuitive ability to discern whether a man's capable of
meeting her needs could be enhanced at this stage, which saves both
of you a lot of time (and grief). But there's
a question that begs to be asked here:
What do
you think drives your desire/need
to pursue someone who's not returning your interest?
Q.
Shari, what keeps a man from complimenting a woman he's involved
with, or demonstrating that he cares, or values her? It seems the
man I'm dating is attracted, excited by me and wants
me, but there's alot missing in terms of any thoughtfulness on his
part. I've gently expressed my desire for (small) gestures of appreciation/caring,
and have been very generous & patient in this relationship,
but I've begun to feel used, and that's a turn-off.
Any thoughts?
A.
Assuming your guy does care (and why would you be with
someone who doesn't?) if he can't tell or show you
how he feels about you, he may be either ignorant or scared. Some
(younger) men don't know how to treat a woman if their social or
romantic experience is very limited, or they've never witnessed
loving interactions between their parents. Others (of any age) may
have unhealed childhood wounds, and need a "mommy";
this type of relationship is not (inherently) reciprocal,
so as long as you're willing to give, they're
happy to take. A few think that bestowing compliments gives you
too much power; on some level, they're afraid that if they
let you know you're beautiful or special, it gives you
the upper hand, and you might treat them poorly--or think
you can do better, and leave! This ridiculous notion is bourne out
of a deep sense of insecurity and inferiority, and is totally opposite
of how women feel and function (which brings us back to the
ignorance element). You are entitled to feel appreciated
and admired by someone you're sleeping with. Determine if this man
is trainable to become more responsive to your
feelings/needs, or find someone more confident, and able to express
himself.
Q. Shari,
my boyfriend (of 6 months) wants to have anal sex,
and I don't! I love sex, am fairly adventurous,
and I've been open to all his other requests, but this kind of thing
just doesn't do it for me. He insists I should be more "open
minded," so I've asked how he'd feel about
being penetrated this way. He's a total hypocrite of
course, 'cause there's no way he'd allow it! I've
repreatedly explained my reasons for not wanting
to do it, but he still keeps trying to go there when we're having
sex, which takes me out of the mood and makes me
mistrust him! His constant pestering is getting on my nerves, and
we've been arguing. How can I get him off my back (no pun intended)...!?
A.
Well my dear, I think a lot of women have been wondering just
when and how the term "open minded"
became a euphemism for "must like anal sex"
(and isn't that a logistical contradiction?).
Sexual experimentation within an ongoing relationship can
help keep it exciting and fresh, but both parties
must feel at ease with trying something new, and agree that either
can pause or stop the activity if they experience discomfort
of any kind. We all have different pleasure, pain and erogenous
zones, and we're entitled to have these respected. It seems your
guy may have control issues, and (in my mind)
some questions beg to be asked: 1. If anal
sex is so important to him, why did he
wait until now to approach this topic with you,
rather than exploring it (verbally) at the onset of your
relationship? 2. If you had given into this,
what might he 'need' from you next? 3.
Why is your "boyfriend" being persistently unresponsive
to your feelings and needs?
Bottom line (pun intended!) plenty of
females find anal stimulation and intercourse extremely arousing
and pleasurable--and with any luck, they'll hook up with partners
who appreciate that. But nobody should be coerced/pressured
into doing anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.
As for your boyfriend's current fascination with 'rear-ending' you;
tell him to lay off, or you'll be tempted to suspend his
'regular' parking privileges!
Q.
Hi Shari, I'm up against a really frustrating issue! Several
months ago I began seeing a man whom I like a great deal. In the
past few weeks, we decided to forego using condoms, because neither
of us wants to date others, and we're ready to be sexually exclusive.
Our most recent contact has felt even more intimate, intense and
wonderful than before, but I've been suffering with yeast
infections ever since! As soon as I recover (using over-the-counter
medication for a week) I get it all over again as soon as we make
love. I've never had this problem before, and I'm baffled by it
and very discouraged. My boyfriend isn't circumcised, and I'm wondering
if this has anything to do with my body's reaction. Am I allergic
to him? HELP!!! SL
A.
Hi SL, thousands of women are yeast sensitive,
and since your symptoms began several months into this relationship
with the only variable being unprotected sex, you
may be one of them. There's a tremendous controversy surrounding
this topic (to circumcise or not to circumcise), but it
seems nobody's talking to women about
health concerns related to sex with males who've retained their
foreskins! Any amount of moisture in the form of perspiration and/or
traces of urine trapped between the penis and it's sheath (or prepuce)
becomes a breeding ground for microbial (yeast) growth. Early studies
suggested that women married to uncircumcised men had higher
incidences of cervical & uterine cancer from
repeated exposure to microbes and certain types of bacteria. Some
women prefer their men "natural" (or uncut) and
have absolutely no problems with yeast sensitivity. Others
have confided that unless their partner fastidiously washes himself
with an anti-microbial soap just prior
to sex, they'll have a yeast infection within a day or two after
contact. Yeast cells multiply rapidly in warm, moist, dark environments
(like your vagina) and all it takes is exposure to a few of them!
Antibacterial soaps destroy bacteria, but are not
effective against microbes (they're different organisms).
Talk with your gynecologist about this issue, and in the interim,
try having your boyfriend cleanse with an anti-microbial product
such as Summer's Eve Feminine Wash before intercourse
(or enjoy this together, as part of your foreplay). Once
you've completely cleared up your condition, use condoms for more
spontaneous contact, until you feel confident you've found
a way to 'circumvent' this problem. As a final
note; if any man you're sleeping with has recently taken
(oral) antibiotics, his semen can cause an imbalance in
your vaginal 'flora' (healthy bacteria) and leave you vulnerable
to yeast growth.
Q.
Shari, your insights on soy have changed my
life! I was eating tons of soy products; tofu, soy milk, etc. I
was dieting and lost weight, but had sexual difficulties,
and wondered if I had erectile dysfunction. I cannot take Viagra
because I see 'blue' for two days after. But when I quit soy, my
sex drive and performance returned to a good, normal level. Imagine
my surprise, to have a rocket in my pocket again! Do you think most
men have been alerted to the dangers of consuming
soy? Thanks again!
A.
Dear Sir; I am delighted to learn that your sex
life has returned! Research has revealed that the plant or phyto-estrogens
in soy products can throw a male's testosterone levels way off balance,
and diminish his sex drive, motivation and concentration. Also,
when men ingest large amounts of soy, it contributes to a 'doughy'
rather than muscular body mass, and can present a number of health
risks, such as tooth loss! This happened to a vegan-vegetarian I
once knew; he frequently needed dental implants, but (sadly)
never related this problem to soy consumption. Unfortunately, his
ability to rise to the occasion was (also) affected. ADD/ADHD
can be aggrivated by this 'food' as well. A little soy
is fine on occasion, but a lot has been shown to be toxic
for men and women. Dr. Kaayla Daniel has done extensive
research into health risks related to soy consumption, and wrote
a book about it! Go to; www.TheWholeSoyStory.com
for more on "the dark side of America's favorite health
food," and sign up for Kaayla's newsletter.
Q.
Shari, I've been dating a great guy in his late fifties, and
I'm growing increasingly fond of him. We've recently started getting
physical as a result of feeling closer, but it seems he has difficulty
getting hard or maintaining an erection. I've begun
to question whether he finds me attractive enough. Intercourse has
always been my favorite part of lovemaking, so
this worries me a little. I think we have enough 'good stuff' to
(at least) contemplate a future together--but frankly, I'm afraid
to invest myself more deeply because of this issue. I imagine this
is a sensitive area for him, and I'm not sure how to approach discussing
it (or whether I should!) but the longer this goes on, the more
awkward it feels not to. "So near and yet
so far" pretty much sums this up, and it's troubling. Any suggestions
would be most appreciated.
A.
There are many reasons for ED (erectile dysfunction) in a man this
age, and performance anxiety can be one of them
(impotency is frequently a state of mind). Do not
take this personally; if you weren't appealing to him, he wouldn't
be spending time with you. Men experience a decline in testosterone
as they age, and this impacts sexual spontaneity (this
can happen as early as one's mid-thirties). Understanding that your
man might be needing a bit more sensual foreplay (without
expectation to perform) can usually rectify this problem. Typically,
men get to their feelings through
sex, and for women it's the other way around.
When a male bonds emotionally (before sexually), bridging to physical
closeness can be psychologically challenging. The reasons for this
are simple; you've already begun to matter to him (and
he's overly concerned with pleasing you) or he's feeling
emotionally vulnerable, which is a little scary for him. You haven't
mentioned health issues, but these can definitely impact sexual
performance. If your guy's taking blood pressure medication, ED
is a fairly common side effect. Doctors may be reluctant
to prescribe vasodilators; Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc., for treatment
under these circumstances (due to drug interactions) but careful
medical evaluation can mitigate potential harm. Penile injury or
circulation problems related to Diabetes, heart disease or other
health concerns can also inhibit erectile function. A vasodilator
that's self-injected locally (into the penis) prior to
intercourse can circumvent this issue~but while effective, this
method is not readily accommodated by most men. It's important he's
examined by his internist and a urologist to rule out medical
issues. As a final note, if your man consumes a lot of soy
products, these can definitely undermine male hormone
balance and contribute to impotency. For now, do your
best to remove any pressure/expectation surrounding intercourse
by reassuring him this is not an immediate priority (you're
still getting acquainted, remember?). Play, touch, kiss, talk, laugh
and enjoy other aspects of lovemaking. Penetration can be accomplished
with other body parts or 'reasonable facsimiles' purchased from
a sex shop. With a little guidance, you can help him learn how to
satisfy your needs, while taking the pressure off performance. Have
this be a sensual time
for the two of you, and you may both be surprised at what
comes up!
Q.
I noticed an attractive woman at the supermarket today and as
luck would have it, she turned up right behind me in the checkout
line. She seemed very open and friendly, but I couldn't tell if
she was interested or not. I was hard on myself driving home, because
I never know what to say or do in these kinds of situations, and
this probably has me missing out on romantic opportunities. Do you
have any tips for a guy like me? Speechless in L.A.
A.
Dear Speechless, if you were from the east coast, it's
unlikely I'd be receiving this letter. Apparently, Los Angeles men
are reluctant to approach women, and the reasons for this are multi-layered,
but first things first: You need to know that the more beautiful
a woman is, the less she's
approached! While beauty can be intimidating, too many
men assume a female will resent the 'intrusion' or she's already
spoken for--but this kind of thinking will have you spending the
rest of your days alone in your cave.
If you're attracted, carry on a little banter or small talk (especially
if she's initiated an opening) and
pay attention to her eye contact and body language. Unless she's
like a lot of women (in L.A.) who've had to
become aggressive in this mating dance with men, she'll wait for
you to initiate further contact. Ask if you can phone her,
and meet for coffee or cocktails sometime very soon. If she's hesitant
to give you her number, offer yours--but most women these
days have a business line or voicemail they're comfortable
sharing with you. Do not wait a week before
calling (so you can seem 'cool'), because any woman with
any brains and self-esteem will see right through that, and you'll
have already shot yourself in the foot! Don't
think beyond coffee or
cocktails; see how that goes, and decide if there's enough
mutual chemistry to set another date.
Sometimes (regardless of visual attraction) there's not
enough of a spark to ignite a flame, and
that's nobody's fault. Maybe there's room to explore a
friendship and maybe not, but you're only out the price of a couple
of Starbucks. This approach takes practice; just promise yourself
you won't let the next one get away so easy.
Q.
I've been seeing a woman I'm nuts about for roughly 7 months.
She's amazing; talented, smart, worldly, successful,
vivacious and great in bed. The trouble is, I get the feeling I'm
just a 'fling' for her, and there's really no future in this deal.
When I talk about wanting more time, attention, commitment and sense
of continuity in our relationship, she either changes the subject
or details how she thinks we're incompatible. My
bullshit barometer keeps telling me that no matter what I do or
how much I change, it's not gonna make a difference in my shot at
a future here. I don't know what to do, as for all intents and purposes,
I see her as the 'perfect' woman for me! Any suggestions? Boy Toy
A.
Dear Boy Toy: When a man wants to share his heart
with a woman, he needs to pay particular attention to her capacity
for connection, compassion and humanity. He should
also look at her romantic history; what kind of relationships she's
chosen in the past, how long they've lasted, and their interpersonal
dynamics. Assess whether the two of you share similar goals
for this relationship--or are you trying to fit square pegs into
round holes? Your lady may be the most sensual/sexual
creature on the face of this earth, but if you can't get
near the soft parts behind
her breastbone, you'll be trapped in yearning
for something that's unattainable, and never feel you measure
up! If you have a high threshold for the feelings
this invokes, it's extremely likely you had parallel experiences
in childhood, and still carry those wounds. There's an old saying;
If you wanna know what you want, look at what you have.
Painful, negative experiences are easier to repeat than
positive ones, because on some level, they're familiar
to us (we already have that roadmap). If you're looking
to give your heart (along with the rest of you) find someone who
can treasure it, and return your interest.
Q.
Shari, what is it with men? I recently met
a guy I seemed to have a nice (mutual) connection with, and after
a couple of phone conversations we decided to meet. I was attracted,
but my intuition picked up on issues that made me seriously question
whether we had potential for a relationship. In response to this,
I thought there might be a chance we could just
be lovers. The upshot is, he called at virtually
the last minute to cancel our date, saying "something had come
up." I'd been looking forward to seeing him despite my reservations,
and suggested he call again when he wanted to see me. I haven't
heard from him, and it's been a couple of weeks. What do you make
of this? Am I just stupid about the opposite sex?
"Clueless"
A.
Dear Clueless, there are probably a zillion reasons this date wasn't
kept, and you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure
out what they are, but this won't serve you! One thing you should
definitely remember is that men are not looking
for women "friends." Sex
is what motivates males to pursue females, and this
will NEVER change. If they sense you're uncertain
about them or the potential for sex, they'll cool down pretty fast.
I'm not saying this is a bad thing or that all
men are wired this way, but it's a pretty reliable rule of
thumb. Men get to their feelings through sex, and women
get to sex through their feelings. Females generally need
more emotional and cerebral foreplay, before they need
someone in their bed. Given your reservations, perhaps some kind
of protection was sent your way, because
(bottom line) this may not have been a healthy or congruent
fit for you. Try and trust this, and let yourself off the hook.
Maybe the next man you meet won't bring up caution flags
for you, and you'll have opportunity for a fuller relationship.
In the meantime, let me leave you with an extremely useful four
letter word: NEXT...!
Q.
I'm needing
feedback on a confusing situation, Shari. I felt a 'spark' with
a woman I met at a social function, and asked her out on a date.
During our first (arranged) meeting, her vibes were negative
from the minute she showed up, and I strongly sensed she didn't
want to be there. She explained her mood by saying she'd had a "stressful
day" at work--but as our evening wore on, I felt like I was
experiencing something akin to oral surgery! In short, it was a
lot of work trying to connect with her. Always
the gentleman, I gave her the benefit of the doubt (we all have
bad days!) but frankly, I wanted to leave within
the first few minutes, and (in retrospect) I wish I had! Can you
shed some light this, and how to avoid having it happen again? "Disappointed"
A.
Dear Disappointed, I wish you'd left in the first few minutes too!
Humans are complex, and occasionally something simple (like poor
timing) can derail a potential connection. It's fine to cut someone
a little slack, but first dates shouldn't have to feel like
"work." Your note suggests the woman
you initially met, seemed very different than
the one who showed up for your date, and this is noteworthy! We
sometimes have fantasies & anticipations as we're heading into
a social function, and these can cause us to 'ramp up' for the party.
We might be a little inebriated shortly after arriving (notice
how everyone heads first to the bar?), which
takes the edge off anxiety and eases our inhibitions. This engages
our seductive natures, because alcohol (a
social lubricant) allows us to be more in our bodies than
our heads (hence, the number of unplanned pregnancies, STD's, etc.).
Some women and men have acquired seduction
skills or strategies
that are foundational to their sense of confidence/self-worth,
and they automatically revert to these defaults,
when meeting someone new. Sadly, this could be all they have to
bring to YOUR party, and (sober) there may not be much
else there. In the future, one or two phone conversations
before you meet should give you a better
sense of a woman's interest, and whether you have potential
for developing something more. Next time you find
yourself in a situation like this, listen to your gut! Graciously
thank her for meeting with you, but share your sense that this isn't
"good timing" for her. You may (or may
not) invite her to call you, if/when she'd like to try this again,
but pay the check and take your exit. If she objects
to your leaving, follow your intuition--but it's perfectly acceptable
to let her know that this moment has passed
for you, and say "goodbye."
Q.
Can you give me some tips on getting my husband to pay more
attention to me when he gets home at night? It seems like all he
wants to do when he walks in from work, is sit in front of the TV
with a beer! He practically ignores me and our kids, and I feel
like he doesn't care about us. "Lonely"
A.
Dear Lonely, I usually hear complaints from men
on the opposite side of this issue, so perhaps my 20-Minute
Marriage Miracle can help: Working men (and women) need
a little time to 'space out' when they get home. Try meeting
your husband at the door with a smile and a cold beer, turn on the
TV for him, and leave him alone for 15 - 30 minutes to discharge
his day and RELAX. Men stop at their local
bar instead of coming straight
home, because they need time to decompress
from high levels of stimulation and demands at work. Understand,
that while you're with the kids for 8+ hours and craving
adult interaction, he's basically putting out fires and
slaying dragons all day! About half a century ago, clever
wives 'freshened up' (remember this during your courtship?) and
greeted their husbands with chilled martinis when they returned
from the office; this went a long way toward keeping the romance
alive. His beverage doesn't have to contain alcohol, but gifting
him 'quiet time' is the most important element here. Your man
requires this period to regroup and regenerate himself, so he's
able to switch gears and be more loving with you! He'll
be grateful for this special consideration, and start
looking forward to coming home.
Q.
Shari, I'm in my fifties, have been unattached for years and
I've recently met a man I'm extremely attracted
to. Due to his out of town business trips and our respective schedules,
we've spoken on the phone several times and have had just one date
over the course of a few months. I'm wanting more than just a sexual
relationship, but I'm so turned on to this guy I think my judgement's
clouded. He says he's a "monogamous type," hasn't been
with anyone since he met me, and keeps stating that we've "known
each other three months" when I say I need more time (to get
to know him) before getting closer! I don't want to screw this up
and I'm not sure if it can be more than sexual, but I (also) know
how easily I attach (and want more) when I'm strongly drawn to someone.
How should I handle this? "Conflicted"
A. Dear Conflicted, I think you already have a sense about
this guy, and your ambivalence is probably warranted--still, there's
no reason to deny yourself physical pleasure. Since you know yourself
well enough to realize how easily you attach to someone when you're
sexually involved, let that be your guide in how you proceed:
Exercise SAFE sex; when you have unprotected
sex with a man, you're automatically setting up an implicit trust
that he won't be sexual with anyone else while he's sleeping with
you, and that's premature and unrealistic (no
matter what he says) at the onset of a relationship!
The two of you haven't yet built a foundation for emotional
trust, so you're putting the cart before the horse in trusting him
physically. Also, naked (skin to skin) sex facilitates an emotional
bond for women far easier than if you have a barrier in-between,
partly because you're choosing to ignore premature trust issues,
and partly because you are opening yourself to someone
you barely know. An element of 'danger' can make
this situation more exciting, but his lack of availability is not
likely to change once you sexualize the relationship. Be sure to
factor this into your decision, or you might be trapped in yearning
for contact that can only be satisfied when it's convenient
for him. If you decide to pursue this, frequently
remind yourself to listen to your intuitions and instincts (they'll
never lie to you) and try and remain CLEAR about whether
this relationship has a chance to develop into something more meaningful,
or not. Remember; you can't make a fruit salad out of
a banana! Just because a man makes you happy in bed,
it doesn't mean he can be responsive to your other needs.
Finally, condoms take the worry out of being close, and
keep you safe from acquiring sexual souvenirs like
genital warts, herpes and bacterial or parasitic infections (that
don't show up on an AID's test). Enjoy your sexuality and this
sensual connection, but be smart about it!
Q.
Shari, I have always been attracted to women older than
myself, but have trouble finding someone who is compatible with
me. It seems women are usually attracted to men older than themselves,
so the ladies I meet want a 'fling' but not a serious relationship.
This is fun of course but not exactly what I want. My neighbor is
a lady of 63 and I am 40. We see each other quite a lot - just go
out. It is fun being with her, but I worry about moving on to the
next level. We have come close, but both of us are a little nervous.Then
I worry a little about long term, what will happen when my partner
is 70, how will I feel then, and is it such a sensible idea? I think
I'm more worried about being neighbors than the age difference.
So my basic question is: should I settle for someone closer to my
age or someone I desire now? Thanks for responding - I am most grateful.
R.
A.
Dear R, first of all, you should never "settle"
when it comes to matters of the heart. Start by initiating honest
conversations with your friend to see what it will likely
mean to each of you if/when this
relationship is sexualized, and where each of you stands on the
notion of commitment. You should address how your expectations
of each other might change, once you go to bed.
The fact that you live very close could make for a sticky situation
if either of you becomes attracted to (and wants to date) someone
else--and what will happen to your friendship if this occurs?
Open dialogue can mitigate uncertainty and explore potential
for something more serious, before you
two bridge to a physical relationship. You'll be far more successful
at love (and sex) if you can enter into them honestly and consciously.
Your predicament suggests a pattern
of attraction that's repeatedly disappointing to you,
but may keep you safe from attaching.
In dating someone considerably older than yourself, you
have a built in "deal breaker" (or exit strategy) in place
before investing your time and feelings. This strategy may help
you avoid real closeness and it's called a 'payoff'
(regardless of whether the consequences are positive or
negative), as it supports your subconscious
desires. Living in the future can be a way to avoid intimacy
and engagement in the present! When your friend is 70 you'll be
nearing 50, and how does a 23 year age disparity become more crucial
for you at that juncture than it is now? Does
it invoke anxiety about loss of attraction, or fear of loss in general??
Younger women may desire marriage and/or children,
and you may not; older females could have fewer
expectations, and be satisfied with a relationship that offers only
sex and companionship. But the emotional, psychological and spiritual
development that women have (ideally) acquired in later years might
not be matched by you--which could be why they're not able
to take you more seriously. Finally, older women
seldom have a child or children at home, so there's
potential for you to receive the kind of focus, attention and/or
nurturance you may have longed for (but lacked) as a child from
your own mother. Any (or all) of these elements can factor into
your existing attraction strategy, and are worth exploring
therapeutically if/when you feel you're ready to love and
be loved.
Borrowed
from Mini-Strategies:
For women, on love
and sex: use extreme caution when bestowing qualities or
attributes to someone just because he makes you happy in
bed; 'cause no matter how you slice it, you
can't make a fruit salad out of a banana!
For men, on love and
sex: women like sex
as much as you do, and they're far more inclined to respect
and trust you if you're straight with 'em! If you're attracted
to someone and want to get physical, but you don't feel ready
for something more serious, say that
before you get to the bedroom! Women learn to distrust
(and sometimes, despise) men, when they feel they've been deceived
or betrayed.