DO YOU
LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
How often have you heard yourself
say, "I'm a giver, not a taker"? Have you experienced
discomfort when receiving something from another, whether
it's a kind gesture, favor or gift? Do you know what it's like to
be in a reciprocal relationship?
If these questions are triggering familiar sensations, it means
you probably learned this inclination in childhood, and
were made to feel that receiving supplies of attention, affection
and emotional support came at a substantial cost to your parent.
As a natural outcome of this, you began putting the needs of others
ahead of your own, because doing otherwise meant punishment,
guilt and/or shame.
None of us grew up being perfectly
parented, in fact it's virtually impossible to anticipate that this
could even happen. Alas, we're all products of our experiences,
which have impacted us to one degree or another, and that's what
this piece attempts to address. There will likely be parts of this
article that you'll relate to, and other parts you won't--but if
any of this material opens a door to greater self-awareness,
healing might begin for you and your child, parent or spouse, and
that's my objective.
A few
of my clients have chosen to share this material with their parent.
If you are a parent, and your adult child has given you this article
or you've found it by chance, there's a strong likelihood
they're needing your apology for some childhood issues they've struggled
to surmount. If you're wanting to build a closer bond with him or
her, any attempts to make amends must be heartfelt,
and made without explanations or excuses. The reasons
you weren't 'equipped' to do it differently or better, are of no
use in terms of healing the pain they still carry. In short, this
effort can't become about you and your struggles, for while
they may have empathy and understanding for your plight, they're
still wrestling with unresolved wounds and trust
issues. Healing is only possible, when someone you've hurt (even
unwittingly) can feel your sincere remorse. While this
process isn't easy, it can go a long way toward helping you repair
any relationship where trust has been undermined.
As
you read through this material, you might experience sudden sleepiness
or perhaps a little sadness. This is a somatic
response, which means that a part of you is identifying with various
elements being discussed here, and they have important meaning for
you. While you may decide to take a short break, rest assured that
there is nothing to fear from these uncomfortable sensations, and
I encourage you to continue. You'll get the most value from this
information, if you return to the hyperlinks that take you to other
pages after you've finished this article.
When you're a self-proclaimed
"giver," it's very likely you've been raised in a home
where certain needs were not acknowledged or adequately responded
to, and you've compensated for this deficit, by becoming
a caregiver. As a young child, you could have discovered
that taking care of another's needs provided vicarious satisfaction,
and a sense of safety, empowerment or self-worth. Whether you've
promoted another's dependency on you emotionally, physically or
financially, feeling needed has fortified your self-esteem--but
it's also eased abandonment anxiety, which has motivated
these choices.
Your caregiving nature
is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends
or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually
underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've
unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or
who in some way need rescuing or extreme amounts
of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness
will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them
with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering,
and you feel better afterward. Occasionally,
you'll romantically connect with someone who initially
shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed
and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial
and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious
theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If
you NEED me, you'll never leave me."
In the rare event a selected
lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still
compelled to encourage some type of dependency. This can be demonstrated
by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image,
wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy,
etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an
illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns
are averted. This behavior is driven by a subconscious determination
to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the
least is always the one in power.
When a mate/partner is perceived
as diminished (or less than) you feel more secure, in that
you can control the relationship dynamic and manipulate its
emotional climate to suit internal comfort levels. In
truth, feeling needed is enhancing to
your self-image, and reinforces a sense of well-being/safety; but
if a lover gains some empowerment and develops a more equal
footing, your Caregiver's power feels suddenly diluted. This is when
your emotional equilibrium is compromised and abandonment anxiety
surfaces, prompting either sabotaging or clinging behavior. Selection
strategy generally insures against this outcome, as you'll turn away
from lovers or friends who are capable of meeting you on a more balanced
playing field. Healthier choices require authentic self-esteem,
which you may never have had opportunity to develop. You'll naturally
guard against anyone discovering this secret, as covert shame (a remnant
from childhood) steers you away from more viable, fully-integrated
people who might notice your fragility and/or shortcomings.
But what is at the core
of this issue? Being loved in totality is something that
Caregivers do not fundamentally believe is possible, as "negative"
(or less appealing) traits and feelings have been suppressed since
infancy, in order to gain more affection and love, and mitigate fears
of abandonment. Essentially, this child has been emotionally blackmailed
into responding to the needs of his/her mother, and personality aspects
that were unpleasant or inconvenient for her
to accommodate, are surrendered/discarded. Even if Mom just needed
to shield her husband from any form of agitation, her child is conditioned
to believe that certain facets and emotions are unacceptable and bad.
As he matures, he will internalize and adopt this attitude toward
himself; even the subtlest awareness of their presence makes
him think he's "bad," so he virtually
amputates these sensations out of his persona, and becomes a People
Pleaser, which could have serious health repercussions.
Cancers, stomach/intestinal problems, rheumatism, migraine headaches
and Anxiety/Panic Disorders are only a
few of the ailments that are triggered by long-held resentment and
repressed rage.
The Caregiver/Pleaser has developed
an idealized notion of how he must be perceived in order
to be loved, so each giving gesture literally provides a self-image
payoff. While this emotional 'reward' may be satisfying
on some level, the compulsion to take care of others, consistently
overrides personal needs and underdeveloped feelings, and
perpetuates an issue of "Giving 'till it hurts."
Passive-aggressive
behavior is very common within this personality type, for
there's substantial difficulty with identifying feelings
and needs! Having learned to obliterate emotions in order to survive,
recognizing and conveying them in a straightforward manner is not
only foreign, it involves confronting long-dreaded vulnerability,
and challenges/threatens one's entrenched non-needing identity.
Resentment is often cumulative for someone
who's unable to acknowledge feelings, and for whom experiencing and
expressing needs produces discomfort. Therefore, a series of minor
infractions that are usually unwitting on another's part, are initially
glossed over and internalized as trivial or "unimportant."
Mounting resentment can easily erupt in explosive outbursts, but is
more often acted-out in a passive/non-direct
fashion, which can include physical, sexual or emotional withdrawal,
sarcasm, bitchiness, infidelities, delaying or "forgetting"
specific requests made by the lover, not following through with commitments,
etc. This style of interplay was learned by the (adult) child growing
up, as his parents were incapable of engaging him in healthier, more
constructive interactions. The outcome of this kind of parenting
is a deeply wounded self-esteem, and diminished sense of trust
in self and others: We learn how to love ourselves
and others, by how we were loved as children.
Childhood experiences always
predict the nature of adult relationships. An extraordinary number
of males who've grown up without fathers or in homes where
the father was abusive or simply emotionally/physically unavailable,
have developed powerful inclinations to rescue
women. When a mother's relationship with her spouse/partner
is lacking in emotional resources or she's unattached, her
children must often assume the complex (adult) role of filling this
void. While the eldest or male child is typically chosen for this
task, any child who's felt responsible for meeting his/her
mother's needs, will likely develop rescuing compulsions. These dynamics
are usually kept in place for the duration of one's life, or the life
of the mother (and beyond, if there are siblings for whom he/she feels
responsible). This enmeshment issue acutely interferes with
a Caregiver's ability to create an independent, emotionally gratifying
and successful lifestyle, without significant feelings of remorse,
shame or guilt over "inadequate" attention/support to his
parent or siblings, no matter how much has been given or
provided!
Since these attitudes and behaviors
were essentially implanted during the earliest part of his formative
years, they tend to remain alive indefinitely. If specific therapeutic
help is not engaged to dismantle these constructs, they are projected
onto all future relationships. Hence, a man who appears to "fear
commitment" could actually be trying to avoid engulfment,
because he lacks a positive/sound frame of reference for
what it means to experience closeness! His twin fears; Abandonment
and Engulfment (or loss of Self), combine with difficult feelings
of inadequacy and unworthiness that prompt destructive, compensatory
behaviors. Control issues and addictions help the Caregiver defend
against painful ambivalence that's characterized by deep longing
but fear of needing, and further undermine his personal strivings
and attachment endeavors. He (or she) may routinely pursue relationships
with borderline
disordered individuals, who are incapable of sustaining genuine
intimacy and connection; under these circumstances of course,
the task of maintaining 'safe' emotional proximity becomes a non-issue.
Caregiver personalities frequently
construct and maintain fast-paced, highly stressful lifestyles, to
avoid difficult sensations (like emptiness/depression) that
can surface when they slow down enough to feel.
Busily responding to the needs and crises of others, reliably bolsters
a tenuous self-image that fits very neatly into this avoidant syndrome.
Fixing/rescuing behaviors help Caregivers side-step having to confront
personal issues and challenges, and distract from internal
pain or dissatisfaction. This is a spectacular form of self-medication--but
relief is only temporary, which reinforces the addictive compulsion
to focus attention outside oneself, rather than looking within.
The Caregiver was once a child
who required love and affection to mirror his intrinsic value
and self-worth. Since this was never properly reflected, he has ingeniously
invented various methods by which to gain a sense of Self,
by over-achieving, publicly performing, rescuing or constantly responding
to the needs of others. In essence, he's been programmed
to feel worthless, empty and invisible unless he's actively doing,
so the simple act of being can invoke guilt and self-loathing.
To avert these feelings, even caregiving professionals are
compelled by "fixer-uppers" in romantic relationships, as
well as needful, physically/emotionally compromised friends who depend
on them for support and refueling.
Individuals who've not addressed
core wounds (or narcissistic trauma) at the foundation
of this behavior, may be especially attracted to careers involving
psychological or medical intervention. Psychotherapists, doctors and
nurses are all drawn to helping or "fixing" people, as this
can form the basis of their self-worth, and provide opportunities
to 'change' someone in ways that were never possible to accomplish
with a parent. Their appetite for omnipotence
has germinated from early childhood, and was originally born out of
a need to construct a more powerful (and sometimes grandiose) ego
structure, to compensate for early deficits that left them feeling
disempowered/fragile. The inner hunger that stems from this emotionally
under-nourished period, fuels addictions to alcohol/drugs, shopping,
overeating, over-work/exercise,
scholastic or professional over-achievement, gambling, sex, etc. Someone's
drive to alter, elevate or numb his/her mood with substances
or compulsive behaviors, is a desperate attempt to fill the core
void. This void or sense of emptiness,
represents the most prominent piece of every addict's fractured internal
mosaic.
Narcissism
is frighteningly common among helping professionals. Reluctant to
acknowledge or experience personal needs, even psychotherapists
may neglect to confront their own core disturbances, which
leaves them ill-suited to recognize and empathically respond to their
patients' most distressing feelings, struggles and self-sabotaging
patterns--but is it even possible to effectively walk someone
else through a tunnel, that you've been unable or
unwilling to navigate? Some clinicians
are invested in keeping their patients or clients in treatment far
longer than necessary to fortify their own sense of
Self, and gratify an unquenchable need to be needed. Sadly,
one's client base might even function as a sort of surrogate family
for the therapist who has yearned for, but lacked a meaningful
connection with his/her family of origin.
When Caregivers
develop elaborate defenses like crisis/chaos addictions,
they are avoiding internal distress. Constantly responding to the
needs of others enables them to circumvent their own uncomfortable
feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, etc.), and maintain
denial of deep, unhealed trauma. Descending into their personal
pain within a therapeutic alliance is generally avoided, because the
notion of allowing a supportive, nourishing, ongoing relationship
(essential in helping them mend) feels threatening to their
non-needing or 'false-self.' Thus, even friendships and professional
or social connections that lack reciprocity
due to inherent limitations, are sub-consciously ratified and perpetuated.
Whether you're a therapist or patient: Feeling, creates
opportunity and capacity for Healing.
Many individuals I've worked
with over the years, are core trauma survivors. Most have geographically
distanced themselves as far as possible from their parental home,
in order to establish a degree of emotional autonomy. Over time, the
issue of enmeshment (inability to discern and separate feelings,
belonging to either the parent or the Self) is resolved.
At this juncture, one's relationship endeavors can start to become
more balanced, productive and gratifying. One's mother figures most
prominently within this enmeshment scheme, as she is the first object
of attachment, and the mother/child bond is profound and intricate.
A developing fetus hears and
learns his mother's voice and language style, co-experiences
her emotional states and forms an intimate bond with her in-utero.
This of course, has far reaching ramifications for children
given away at birth ('adoptees'), and imprints them with feelings
of abandonment, which are almost impossible to identify or articulate
without sensitive, specialized care. Pre-verbal sensations of guilt,
unworthiness and shame, which result from having been given up for
adoption or abandoned by a mother's untimely death, make them feel
"unwanted or discarded," and drive a deep need to avert
this kind of trauma from ever occuring again! Abandonment issues can
inhibit connections that might become more than casual/superficial,
or cause one to maintain relationships that are unfulfilling
or abusive; under these conditions,
any connection may seem better than no connection at all.
Many of these individuals compulsively strive for perfection in adulthood,
in order to ameliorate their ever-present terror of rejection, or
being left.
Childhood abandonment trauma
can create a virtual minefield, in context of romantic
endeavors. Sadly, the partner of an abandoned (adult) child cannot
help but step on emotional land mines that have lain dormant, perhaps
for decades. The injured partner's self-esteem wounds that've existed
since the primal rejection experience are reactivated--which
triggers pain and rage. As this painful early material isn't usually
held on a conscious level (in terms of its impact), repercussions
from the lover's unwitting slights are very difficult to recover from,
and often bring about the couple's relational demise.
Whether physical loss of the
mother constitutes part of this core deficit or not, enmeshment issues
stemming from emotional abandonment are easily implanted
during infancy and early childhood. Again, when a woman's needs are
not met by her spouse or partner, they're transferred to her child,
which fosters an unhealthy, enmeshed attachment that conditions
him to feel responsible for her survival and well being. If the
child's attempts to form an autonomous ego are thwarted when
he begins to separate/individuate from her in infancy, he remains
fixated on the needs of his mother--and every attachment thereafter
(to his detriment). Very early on, he begins to sense that only a
modicum of personal need fulfillment is available to him,
which impacts his sense of worth and viability; in the process, he
acquires a subtle concern that cannot help but question, "if
something should happen to you, what will become
of me?" This deep anxiety prompts Herculean
measures to rescue, fix/repair or normalize his beloved parent
and their interactions, to mitigate his abandonment fears. At his
own expense, he'll even adopt the mother's depressive or
dysfunctional features, to retain some semblance of connection with
her! These rescuing impulses are automatically carried into his adult
dynamics, and are the root of codependent relationships.
As previously stated, the basis
of this disturbance is intricate, and begins very early. When separation
is attempted by an infant with a core-damaged mother, this necessary
aspect of his development virtually reactivates the mother's
original abandonment trauma (carried over from her infancy),
and re-awakens insidious primal rage that's projected
onto her child. Prior to his individuation phase, this infant's mother
might have started experiencing a sense of wholeness, connection and
purpose she's never known before, and these richly pleasurable sensations
fostered desperate measures to remain attached. Henceforth,
the consistent, underlying message in her tone, facial expressions
and behaviors toward him throughout this period could convey; "don't
you dare separate and cease existing for me and my
needs, or I will abandon/annihilate you." This would echo
her own disrupted efforts to retain affection and approval,
while attempting to form an autonomous, healthy Ego, distinctly separate/apart
from her mother. Core emptiness can drive a woman's psychic/emotional
need to give birth to a number of babies in very close succession,
for she literally thrives on their dependency. A borderline
mother might physically harm her children or make them sick, to keep
them dependent (as with Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy), or she may
murder them as they develop beyond this stage.
Sadly, deeply
buried enmeshment issues are extremely common among men who
attach to Borderline
women. A Borderline's clinginess and neediness can feel suffocating
and engulfing, but might replicate an adult male's earliest
bonding experiences with Mother. This imprint is potent/heady, and
is often retained as a sense memory; the way she smells,
the nature of her touch or sound of her voice, makes him feel he's
unwittingly found what he's needed his whole life.
The loss of this type of attachment sends a man into perilous
pain and longing, which is unmatched by any other (remembered)
life event.
It should be noted, that if
a nourishing, symbiotic bond with the mother isn't possible during
infancy, and a far more attentive/loving attachment is forged with
the father, an emotionally sound adult may eventually emerge.
But if the father leaves
through divorce, death or remarriage, the abandonment trauma
this invokes will significantly impact all future relationships. Anxiety
surrounding potential loss of someone who may have substantial
meaning and value, can inhibit or derail healthy, gratifying adult
connections.
The cost of not resolving core
wounds is reflected in every decision and life choice we make professionally
and personally, and crucially impacts romantic endeavors. A caring,
mutually nurturing and enhancing relational
experience is completely foreign to most Caregivers. They've seldom
(if ever) received affection, support and positive mirroring from
a non-abandoning source, nor have they experienced loving,
that's unaccompanied by pain. The Caregiver
repeatedly welcomes relationships that activate dramatic/painful sensations
associated with early attachment difficulties, while routinely rejecting
those who are actually equipped to meet his/her needs. There's little
capacity to respond passionately to a healthy/rewarding dynamic,
because the familiar ache of intense longing and yearning--which
has come to be interpreted as
"Love," isn't present with an available
partner! One's perception of such a relationship is that "something's
missing," as it cannot trigger feelings that parallel his unrequited
attachment experiences in childhood.
A lover who's elusive, cruel,
or just emotionally and/or physically unavailable can invoke painful
sensations that replicate what the Caregiver experienced
as a child, seeking a loving/responsive parent. This emotionally inadequate,
yet dramatically felt kind of episode functions as a powerful
catalyst, that inspires a tenacious (and vaguely familiar) pursuit
to seduce the object of desire into returning
his attention and ardor. Since the intense feelings that
are invoked by such a relationship are compelling/addictive, any relationship
that awakens them, is addictive as well. In the rare event an attachment
is successfully formed, rejection by the lover can set in
motion an internal re-creation of his early abandonment experiences,
and drudge up excruciating feelings of inadequacy and shame,
which are almost impossible to tolerate. Punishment of the Self (compulsive,
addictive reflexes or destructive acting-out behavior) usually accompanies
or follows this kind of trauma.
Perhaps the most tragic part
of this issue, is that a core-wounded individual unwittingly
seeks lovers who are no more equipped to respond to her needs, than
her unavailable parent was! She continues to embrace the
notion that she will one day find someone who excites her, and whom
she can train or teach to love her in ways she's always wanted--but
this is a child's fantasy that will never be realized. Still, if these
inexhaustible efforts should yield even marginal success,
she could feel encouraged to remain, and continue striving for that
which cannot be satisfied.
It's very important to realize,
that if a lover could become responsive to his partner's
needs, he'd be discarded because of other perceived shortcomings or
"flaws" that would suddenly seem untenable; again, an available
lover doesn't provoke an intense visceral response. In truth, the
thrill is in pursuit and seduction, which perpetuates an endless
re-enactment of a child's most fervent wish for a closer bond with
his/her parent, while defending against a more palpable fear of losing
a truly meaningful and nourishing attachment. This often means, that
individuals who are actually capable of loving/caring interactions
are distanced, punished or rejected, so that anxiety surrounding devastating
abandonment, is kept at bay.
The narcissistically injured
Caregiver may repeatedly convince herself that she is capable
of intimacy, by practicing relationship skills with partners who are
incapable of fully responding to her. Thus,
she continues to refuel the notion that she is "available"
by taking calculated emotional risks--the rewards of which, are false
reflections of her actual capacity to bond. I'm reminded
of a woman who periodically resuscitated discarded relationships;
during episodes of re-engagement, she was utterly convinced she loved
and wanted these men, but always admitted that if the current
lover pursued commitment, she'd beat a hasty
retreat--and enumerated his "deficits" to reinforce her
stance. When one of these former boyfriends eventually gained closure
and attached to another, this client fell into a severe depression.
Unable to reseduce
this man, she appeared to re-experience her childhood abandonment
despair, in having to surrender this intensely felt, yet
under-satisfying connection. My sense was that profound (core) sensations
of loss, shame and unworthiness, paralleled acute/long-denied
pain from unhealed archaic wounds.
What's critical to understand,
is that many of us lacked a healthy/consistent symbiotic
bond during infancy with our mothers. As a result,
our search for 'perfect attunement' with romantic partners
(for which we have no suitable frame of reference) can easily
continue indefinitely. The compelling drive to manufacture this nourishing/satisfying
primal experience (and heal), propels us toward intense,
unstable relationships that echo familiar, but defective
interpersonal styles that were imprinted throughout infancy and childhood.
Stated more simply, our model for meaningful adult
attachments has been constructed from a relationship blueprint that
consisted of painful, under-nourishing experiences! This early blueprint
continues to influence self-worth and partner selection,
unless/until a solid, nurturing therapeutic alliance can provide a
sturdier foundation built on supportive, empathic interactions.
The person you choose to love
and partner with, mirrors your own level of emotional development.
If you are truly seeking an authentic and intimate relationship, you
won't attach to or remain with someone who's not, because
he/she isn't a 'match' for your fundamental needs and desires. If
you think there's a pattern in your romantic life that consistently
feels disappointing, lacking and/or painful, you might ask yourself
why you're attracted to this type of individual. More importantly,
try to discern the kinds of feelings that emerge,
when you contemplate deeply loving someone, who could actually
respond to you the way you've always wanted, and
needed to be loved.
Related material on core injury
can be found in other Articles
on this site, and in various Forum
discussions. Archived entries pertaining specifically to these issues,
are in my codependency forum.
If
you're seeking help with this issue, or your group/organization would
like me to speak on this topic, feel free to contact
me. This forum letter should provide further insight:
Q.
Your article hit home for me, and I was amazed at the profound power
of knowledge. But how do you change all those "familiar"
patterns, and stop rejecting good people who could be loving/giving
to you? What is the recovery or hope of changing all that early programming,
as who had a chance when they were an infant?
A.
Trust is (ideally) established in the first year of life with our
mothers. As an infant, you may have begun sensing
you couldn't depend on her to respond sufficiently to your
needs, and started moving toward emotional self-reliance in order
to survive. This has served you in some ways, but not in others, as
it's kept you from getting help with forming healthier, more
gratifying attachments! Effective therapeutic support assists you
in healing early deficits, by providing corrective emotional experiences
that are qualitatively different than what you've been exposed to
in the past. These therapeutic opportunities allow you to receive
nurturing, attentive (re)parenting, and assist you in feeling more
worthy (and desirous) of nourishing, loving experiences in your interpersonal
world. Early emotional trauma can be overcome with the help of a professional
who understands how profoundly these wounds have affected you, and
hindered your capacity to accept and trust a caring, supportive,
ongoing relationship. Most 'therapy' doesn't tap into this material.
Seek help from someone who's well-versed in treating narcissistic
injury (core issues). Additional insights can be gained via the writings
of Alice Miller; search for this author on Google.
Recommended reading:
The Drama of the Gifted
Child, by Alice Miller (and/or any other books from
this author).
"I Don't Want to Talk
About It": Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male
Depression, by Terrance Real.
Passionate Marriage,
by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
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2008, Shari Schreiber, M.A. All Rights Reserved.