SCHREIBER'S
GLOSSARY
(Clinical terms you've been unsure of, but were afraid
to ask about.)
Learn,
Heal and Grow.
Aberrant:
Considered
outside the norm, or abnormal; "his aberrant behavior
made her feel uneasy, and she was concerned for her children's safety
when he visited with the family."
Ambivalent:
Conflicting
or mixed desires and feelings create ambivalence. Example: Part
of us wants to attend a special function--but another part knows
we're going to encounter an individual we really don't
want to run into. We feel torn and confused about which choice will
serve us better. We're ambivalent about going to this event,
even though we've looked forward to it.
Archaic:
This
means old, ancient or it happened very early in life--as in, this
archaic issue stems from painful experiences in infancy/early
childhood.
Attention
Deficit Disorder or ADD: This
is considered a learning disability, and it's a neurological (physical)
issue. ADHD is an ADD with a hyperactivity component.
Each can exist in adults as well as
children, and neither is a personality defect, or character
flaw! ADD and Bipolar Disorders are both cyclical
conditions that impact mood stability. They do not
drive acting-out behaviors--as are described below, under Borderline
Personality Disorder. Read about ADD/ADHD here.
Bipolar
Disorder: This
is a neurological disorder that's attended by extreme shifts in
mood; up or down/sad, elated or irritable. There are three specific
types of Bipolar Disorder, but many suffer from non-specific/atypical
types, which can go undetected/undiagnosed by physicians during
a psychiatric evaluation. Read more
about this mood disorder here.
Borderline Personality
Disorder, or BPD: Personality
disorders drive erratic behavors that are disruptive/damaging to
relationships. Borderlines are often misdiagnosed with Bipolar
Disorder, because their temperament and moods can fluctuate
wildly. Some individuals should be dual-diagnosed, as these two
disorders frequently coexist. In my view, BPD houses a panoply
of other disorders; Attachment Disorder, Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality
Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder,
Avoidant Personality Disorder, Eating Disorders, etc. Even Anxiety
and Panic Disorders can be part of a Borderline's symptomology.
Hallmarks of BPD include; desperate
attempts to gain attention, intense/irrational abandonment fears,
lack of empathy, lying, extreme jealousy, poor impulse control,
extramarital affairs, drug/alcohol abuse, hypersexuality, 'crazy-making'
interactions, low self-esteem, rebound relationships, passive-aggression,
cognitive distortion, suicidal ideation, self-harming behaviors,
splitting (love you/hate you), etc. Find
articles on Borderline Personality Disorder here.
Codependency:
By
definition, this is an unequal/unbalanced distribution of power
in a relationship; one person is dependent (often, on a
substance or activity) and has little or no empowerment--the other
is The Co-dependent or enabler, who controls the partner, and needs
to be needed. Codependency is not the disease; it's a symptom of
deeper issues, like enmeshment, fear of abandonment, attachment
difficulties, lack of self-worth, etc. Read more about this
issue here.
Cognitive
distortion: You'll
see this term used in reference to Borderline Personality Disorder.
Basically, it's when someone's processing plant (brain) twists/distorts
information and experiences that are either past or present. You
may be trying to have a rational conversation with your lover--but
rather than staying on track, they double-back so to speak, and
bring up something that's unrelated to the immediate train
of thought or topic at hand. When someone's responses to you feel
seriously incongruent with what you would expect, they are considered
to be 'thought disordered.' In any case, their interactions
deflect your efforts to get through to them (feel understood)
or make a point--which derails your ability to gain resolution with
an issue.
Compensatory: This
adjective describes behavior that takes the place of genuine
feelings and desires. As an example; let's say a guy's interested
in a girl, and he waits a week or more to phone, so he can seem
disinterested or 'cool.' He thinks this makes him appear more confident
than he is--but this game is only masking his desire to connect,
and it's compensating for his insecurity, low self-worth,
etc.
Core Trauma: This
involves wounds to our sense of Self during infancy and early childhood.
Core trauma typically starts within the first year of life, if we're
unable to form a solid and trusting bond with our birth mothers,
and sense that we are cherished, safe and loved. This difficulty
influences all later attachment endeavors, and leaves one feeling
unworthy of genuine care, concern and affection from another.
Read
more about this here.
Deflection:
This
is when we side-step taking responsibility for an issue, or we divert
attention away from answering an uncomfortable question. As an example;
you're asked by your partner, if you are cheating on him/her. You
deflect
this query, by crying, acting agitated or outraged that
this question would even come up--but you never answer it directly.
Disempowerment:
Quite
simply, a lack of personal power. Low self-esteem or self-worth.
Inability to feel worthy of receiving attention, admiration
and love. Not capable of attracting healthy/rewarding personal and
professional relationships. A sense of helplessness, inadequacy
and hopelessness are all aspects of feeling disempowered.
Displacement:
When
someone's disappointment, rage or frustration is taken out on you--but
they're actually upset with someone else (a parent, spouse,
boss, etc.), and you're getting the heat for it. Their
intense emotions are being displaced onto you, because
you're the more convenient, less threatening or safer target
for their anger.
Dissociation:
In
very simple terms, this is when we separate from ourselves during
an intensely painful or distressing experience. It's sort of like
your body's still there, but your mind has checked out.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is an extreme example of this.
The more familiar diagnostic term for this issue, is Multiple
Personality Disorder (MPD). Basically, various aspects
of one's personality step-in to assist him/her with managing the
current crisis or difficulty, so that the primary Self
can dissociate
or protect itself from harm. Watch Showtime's, The United
States of Tara for fuller understanding of this problem,
and how it manifests.
Empathy:
This
is the capacity to identify with, and relate to another's feelings,
needs and experiences--to walk in their shoes so to speak,
or view a situation from their perspective. Empathy requires emotional
growth. It's a stage of our development that we're supposed
to navigate between the ages of around 9 to 12 years old. If painful
childhood events curtailed our ability to learn empathy,
it can be referred to as developmental arrest. Arrested emotional
development is key to Narcissistic and Borderline Personality
Disorders. This is not to be confused with sympathy.
Engulfment:
This
can happen between a parent and child, or within a romantic endeavor.
Fear of engulfment may look like, or be acted-out as fear
of commitment. The feelings involved with this issue are; "I'm
afraid that if I get too close to you, I'll have to give up too
much of me," or "I can't be
myself when I'm around you." Engulfment means loss of
Self--or the surrender of one's own needs and desires.
Enmeshment:
This
is the inability to discern and separate your feelings
and needs from another's. A simple example
would be, when a couple's trying to decide on which restaurant or
movie they want, each is unable to assert his or her preference,
for fear of incurring the other's anger or disappointment. This
usually prompts a vicious cycle of; "well, I don't know,
what do you want to do?" In short, it's
the inability to sense where You end--and another begins! Enmeshment
also inhibits you from being yourself, for fear of being rejected
or abandoned by somebody. The root of this issue begins when an
infant's mother disapproves of his need to separate/individuate
when he starts to crawl, and discover that he's no longer physically
joined/connected to her. Read more about this here.
Entitlement: True
entitlement means you feel worthy of receiving love, monetary success,
opportunity, good fortune, care from others, etc. Many folks use/think
about this word improperly. They're usually referencing the false-self
in someone who thinks they're "entitled" to be indulged/spoiled,
or that the world owes them a living--but real entitlement
isn't demanding or boastful. False-self issues are solely ego driven,
and are masking the real feelings of inadequacy and poor
self-esteem. In other words, they're compensatory.
Etiology: This
refers to the cause or origin of an issue--how something began,
or its inception if you will.
Globalize: Folks
use globalization to minimize or normalize their behaviors
or reactions. If you're relating with someone who tries to make
aberrant traits or actions seem like no big deal, you're
with someone who's needing to put one over on you, and get away
with poor behavior. "Everyone's like that" or "anyone
would feel that way, or do the same" are global statements.
Infantalize: This
refers to someone speaking to you or treating you like an infant.
Narcissists are notorious for infantalizing others--which
is infuriating, if you've managed to grow into an adult
who can think for yourself.
Integrity: Quite
simply, this is about walking your talk. It requires you
to do the hard stuff, the awkward stuff, and deal with feelings
you'd normally want to sweep under the rug, and never look at again--'cause
it makes you feel nauseous to do so. Integrity means having enough
emotional development to have gained empathy for another,
and realize how you'd feel in their shoes. Integrity is
a by-product of moral development, which is impossible
to achieve without a reasonable level of emotional growth. It means
being completely honest with yourself, so that you can
be honest with others.
Marriage: A
partnership of two individuals committed to enhancing each
other's strengths, and balancing each other's weaknesses. A stronger,
more highly functioning unit than only one, which thrives on mutual
support and protection, and encourages/celebrates autonomous growth.
Healthy marriage must continually work to solidify and enhance the
marital bond, so partners may continue to grow alongside
each other, and their union reflects these developmental changes.
Intimacy that stops growing, has started dying.
Narcissism: There
is so much to be said about narcissism, and I don't want to be redundant
here. Narcissists see The World as their stage, and they're the
lead character (the Star). To them, everyone else plays a supporting
role that's far less significant. The Narcissist presumes to know
what someone else is feeling or thinking, because he can't fathom
that their experience is different from His. He only has
his frame of reference to draw from, due to a lack of empathy
(see above), so his own needs, preferences and ideations are overlaid
(or projected) onto others. You are considered an extension
of the Narcissist, like an appendage--without a mind or will of
your own (far less than a whole or separate person). If you fail
to be a 'positive' reflection of this individual, he/she will amputate
you out of their life--whether you're their child, their best friend,
their sibling, etc. The Narcissist must control
his relationships, and chooses associations that are weaker/more
needful, so that he can always be in the one-up
position, and remain in charge. All relationships exist only
on the Narcissist's terms.
Object Constancy:
This term is often used
in reference to Object Relations Theory, which is generally regarded
as a psychoanalytic approach to therapy. At a specific stage during
an infant's development, he/she begins to learn that the mommy will
eventually return, after she leaves the baby's presence
(like at nap time). Up until this phase is negotiated, the infant
feels anxiety when Mom leaves the room. Borderlines weren't
able to navigate this phase of their growth, nor gain an intrinsic
sense of trust with their first 'object' of attachment
(the mother). This issue is acted-out in adult attachments,
as intense/irrational abandonment fears, extreme jealousy, a deep
sense of despair when alone, etc.
Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder (OCD): In my
view, this should be named Obsessive-Control Disorder,
for underlying control issues are at the core of this issue. Anxiety/Panic
Disorders and OCD result from years of shutting-down or denying
various feelings/emotions. This
is a reflexive problem that stems from having bypassed feelings,
instincts and intuitions to the extent that you've dissociated from
your body, and are functioning on 'automatic pilot.' To put this
differently, when you're asleep at the wheel,
your need for a system that helps
you feel safer or more secure, is greatly heightened.
Paradoxical: Derived
from the word, paradox. Simply put, this means
an opposite, or contrary response from the norm. A paradoxical
reaction to an antidepressant,
has you feeling even more depressed or suicidal. Paradox
is often observed in someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
They may respond to kind, loving gestures by picking a fight, devaluing
you, pushing away, etc., as emotional distance feels better/safer
than closeness!
Passive Aggression:
This is a devious, diabolical
way to convey your anger, disappointment or hurt to someone, without
speaking with them about it. In essence, your feelings
toward him/her get acted-out instead of talked about, but
you may complain to others about your upset with this person.
This can happen within families, when a member 'telegraphs' their
feelings about one sibling to another--but doesn't directly address
them with the person who's the source of their discomfort. Passive-aggressive
behavior is very hurtful, and highly destructive to any type of
relationship. Read more about this here.
Primitive: This
refers to something very old and deep. A primitive wound
usually references psychic/emotional trauma that occurred during
infancy or early childhood.
Projection: This
is when we're able to notice issues in someone else, that are actually
our own. The other person is a movie screen (of sorts), which allows
us to view unfavorable aspects in them, that we've not
been able to face in ourselves. We typically feel
very strongly about the issues we project onto another,
because it's too distressing to recognize/claim them as ours.
Symbiosis: An
intimate, close union between two dissimilar organisms in a mutually
beneficial relationship. Mutualism. The symbiotic bond
is referenced throughout various articles on this wellness site.
This term describes the intense/special attachment between a mother
and her infant (or the lack of same) that's a deep infatuation
or love affair between the two. It is this connection
that influences our sense of worth, and all future
attachments.
Transference: This
is natural within a therapeutic dynamic, where childhood feelings
and struggles with a parent, get transferred onto the therapist.
This healthy/necessary part of treatment paves the way
for our unresolved issues to surface, be dealt with and healed.
Transference happens in interpersonal relationships, too. Somebody
may unwittingly step on our emotional land mine, that's left over
from a painful early experience. In our mind's eye, this could seem
like a minor slight--but it hurts like hell, because it's virtually
pulling the scab off a much older, deeper wound. When we're
highly reactive to something our head tells us is "no
big deal," it's usually because another has set off a bomb
in our emotional minefield. This is particularly true with a borderline
disordered individual--which literally has us walking on eggshells!
In general, this issue is a major cause
of relationship disintegration (dis-integration) that's all subconsciously
driven.
Triangulation: This
refers to the inclusion of a third element (person, pet, activity,
substance) into a relationship, in order to ease the tension between
two people. There's
an old saying in the psychological community; "A three
legged table is more stable than a two legged one." Personality
disordered people have trouble maintaining healthy intimacy and
relational stability, so they're more prone to having affairs. Borderlines
and Narcissists typically fear attachment/closeness, so
they might try to manage this concern by diverting their focus to
another person. Illicit affairs are used to distract or
divert from feelings the primary relationship evokes. Diversions
often take the form of working longer hours, getting a new pet,
alcohol/drug abuse, having a baby, etc. Basically, anything that
takes attention off the couple's connection, triangulates
the relationship. (Derives from the word, triangle.)