'TILL
DEATH DO US PART
BPD and The Marriage Crucible
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
Probably
the most heatbreaking aspect of my practice, is hearing from hard-
working family men who are married to borderline disordered females.
These fellows have taken their wedding vows seriously, and it's
never occurred to them to have affairs or leave their marriages--despite
of how much neglect or abuse they've suffered.
You
must try to wrap your head around the fact that Borderlines do not
treat marriage as a new beginning--but rather, an end-game.
All their seductive behaviors, their caregiving and affection, their
understanding about you and your needs, come to a fairly abrupt
halt once you've tied the knot. That sexy Siren
you've fallen for could literally shut down the candy store, once
she's secured this relationship. By now, you're in too deep to extract
yourself--and besides, you're not the kind of guy who breaks his
word (no matter what)!
You
start thinking that if you try a little harder to please her, that
girl you were crazy about will return--but it seldom happens. This
doesn't mean you won't get a crumb or two along the way (if she
wants something from you), but your needs
stop mattering. The Borderline's withdrawal starts out very subtly,
but a couple of months into this wedded union, you'll find yourself
missing the bliss part. This present reality is so incongruent
with your pre-marital status, it can only be thought of as a
fluke--and you'll pass it off as such. As the years go by,
you're faced with the dreadful awareness that this 'phase' has become
permanent--but it's impossible to leave, without severe financial
repercussions. There are feelings of 'quiet desperation' you want
to escape, yet you don't know where to turn.
Husbands
of Borderlines manage to tolerate a litany of abuses before they
reach out for help, or begin scouring the Internet in their efforts
to identify the reasons behind this agony they've endured for years--or
even decades.
Many
of these men grew up with controlling/demanding mothers and passive
fathers. Given that children learn from example,
this relational dynamic has unwittingly been replicated within their
own marriages, and is accepted as 'normal,' regardless
of the terrible chaos, drama and pain they've "learned to live
with." Their mother was the Matriarch--the "glue"
holding it all together. Their father gave into her whims and wishes,
just to keep the peace.
No
man can keep putting out fires and slaying dragons all day at work,
and look forward to having to do battle at home! When there isn't
a soft place for him to land, he's never able to recharge, regroup
and recover from life's demands--which is why mortality
rates are higher in men, than in women!
Some
of these husbands report that many years have gone by, since they've
been able to experience any loving sensual/sexual contact with their
mate. Of course, there's a weighty threat of abandonment that hangs
over them, if they even think about going elsewhere to
get their needs met. Fear of loss keeps them trapped
in endless cycles of neglect, from which it seems there's no end
in sight. They'll painfully admit; "If I stay, I can't have
my needs for intimacy met--but if I venture out, I'll lose everything--even
my kids!" A few believe it's critical to stay for the children's
sake, but this is folly--for these kids learn to define 'marriage'
by what they've observed, and usually repeat
their folk's passionless, conflictual dynamic in adulthood, or never
marry.
In
some cases, this child acquires the sense that he/she is all that's
keeping the parents from divorcing. This can have far reaching ramifications
for a kid, as growing up means leaving the nest--and no
longer being the reason his parents
are staying together. He might resist going away to college, forming
outside interests, learning to drive, looking for work or romance,
etc. As his failure to lauch is influenced by his sense that family
unity depends on it not happening, even his social development
may be delayed.
Borderlines
might offer sex after marriage, but you'll have to be the
initiator, and risk being turned down, when you are. If you're close
to your forties, it stands to reason that 'getting laid' may not
be your top priority. If this were not true,
you'd still be out there trolling the bars and looking for action.
We outgrow that urgency (with any luck), and desire more
restorative, connected experiences in our sensual/sexual life. In
short, we're craving far more than a hollow escapade that feels
like mutual masturbation.
The
worst kind of lonely, is the loneliness you can
have in a relationship! It has you feeling a deep sense of betrayal
from which it's nearly impossible to recover. When a partner is
unresponsive to your need for closeness/comfort and lacks empathy,
you can't help feeling you're incidental to them--and it's
awfully hard to rebuild emotional trust from there. We may have
experienced a lack of being valued in childhood--so this rips the
scabs off those archaic wounds, and breaks our heart and
spirit even further.
I've
known men who got married with the ideation that their wife would
be a good mother. This may ultimately come true, however
they bitterly complain about not getting enough attention, affection
and sex during the course of their marriage. My sense is, they've
subconsciously chosen the missing piece from their own childhood--the
nurturing mom they'd sadly, never known. The trade-off,
is their kid gets what they never got--but
they've lost their lover. I see tremendous
ambivalence in these men. On one hand, they might derive vicarious
satisfaction from observing loving interplay between their wife
and child--but feel cheated/jipped out of those crucial
supplies themselves. This mother could be enmeshed
with their child, which fosters an unhealthy bond that makes him/her
feel responsible for the mother's moods and well-being. In these
instances, a male child often adopts the role of surrogate
husband.
These
fathers learn to tough it out, but may adopt coping mechanisms
that entail working longer hours, drug/alcohol abuse, overeating
or secretly going to porn or dating sites, just to salvage their
bludgeoned egos. They speak of having nothing to look forward to,
and feeling dead inside--and they wonder, "whatever happened,
to that happy-go-lucky guy" they used to be?
Marriage
vows were constructed back when people didn't live past
thirty-five years old, so 'till death do us part, had an
entirely different meaning than it does today! People raised a gaggle
of kids to be farmhands, and tend to the family's food crops or
livestock business. Couples were more dependent on each other, and
a single woman was unable to support herself. This
is no longer true in our world--but it's remarkable how many females
live totally off the fruits of their husband's labor--yet resent
being housewives, and all that entails. I can't help wonder what
they do with themselves all day long, when the kids are
grown--yet the housework is still chronically neglected.
A
few men have told me, they didn't care if they died. Since Borderlines
are too broken/defended to own their wrongdoings (and shortcomings
that are pointed out, are projected back onto their partners), conflict
resolution can not be achieved in these marriages. Any attempts
at problem-solving just leave the spouse of a Borderline feeling
beaten-up and crazy. Inevitably, he gives up trying to reason with
her or fight back--and hands over his balls. This is the most tragic
outcome of poor self-worth. Get
some help!
Borderlines
can be incredibly vindictive. They'll control their partners with
all sorts of threats, should they even consider leaving:
"You will never see your child/children again!" is a pretty
common fear tactic that Borderlines use to keep men from fleeing
these torturous unions. Another one, is "I'll take you for
every cent you have." I know of a man who committed suicide
to escape his wife's wrathful vengeance after they separated. She
had entrapped
him, by the way--and I guess he thought shooting himself was
the only way out of his anguish. His widow still insists it was
"an accident" while cleaning his rifle. Don't
try this at home. If you're hurting, seek medical
attention!
In
the core
of nearly every man who gets involved with a Borderline, lives an
incurable People
Pleaser. When he isn't placing someone else's needs before his
own, he feels unlovable and unworthy of receiving affection, attention
or praise. He's been programmed from early boyhood, to be perfectly
polite and always concerned with how others regard him. This has
lead him to discard personal facets and feelings, that might not
win him acceptance or approval from others. He's hypervigilant
about controlling his moods, all his behaviors and how he's perceived.
His sense of Self is predicated on making sure that everybody in
the world likes him, and thinks he's beyond reproach.
Due
to boyhood conditioning, he's willing to accommodate/accept all
sorts of deficits within his marriage. The wife might seldom cook
or clean, she could be unwilling to do household tasks or shopping--especially
when anxiety or health issues are cited as an excuse that keeps
her homebound. Her brand of helplessness and inertia could span
the length of their marriage--yet he won't rock the boat by confronting
her, for fear of reprisal or "making it a lot worse."
This is an old carryover from childhood feelings/concerns
that were punished, rather than responded to; "I'll
give you something to cry about!"
These
males feel guilty just for having needs, due to esteem
difficulties in boyhood, which turned them into codependent
fixers/rescuers, to begin with! Feelings of need produce sensations
of shame. Expressing needs is a totally foreign
concept, that strikes fear and dread in even the mightiest of men.
The
continuous stress of emotional/psychological warfare affects the
human condition more than physical abuse, and some men
develop serious ailments during their time in these relationships.
Prostate problems, heart conditions, blood disorders, herpes breakouts,
migraine headaches and glaucoma are a few of the souvenirs men have
retained from these relationships--regardless of how physically
powerful they were, before they met the Borderline! One of my ex's
was married to a borderline disordered female for twelve years.
He's now suffering with a form of Parkinson's Disease--and trying
to stay alive. If you've felt long-term resentment and repressed
your anger in this marriage, cancer may
erupt in your body. Let's help you find your voice,
and keep you emotionally sound, and physically well.
If
the ongoing stress of this relationship doesn't kill you, domestic
violence might. These women have little capacity for empathy or
impulse control--and one fine day, a heavy iron skillet or knife
may cause irreparable bodily harm.
Do
we ever consider that men are battered in domestic
squabbles? Probably not--but I assure you it happens far more frequently,
than you might guess.
Shame
is the key ingredient which prevents males from coming forward and
reporting their abusers. That, and their understanding of how the
law usually works, and assuming that one fabricated comment from
the 'Missus' will land them in jail, instead of her
(regardless of evidence to the contrary)! Until we begin to
accept that women are just as culpable for violent/heinous acts
as men, horrible inequities will continue to exist in our 'justice
system.'
Aren't
females still the weaker sex? Sure! Unless they're Borderlines.
This
is a work in progress. Check back soon for more.
LATEST!
THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE