BORDERLINE
MALES I'VE KNOWN, AND ALMOST LOVED;
Surviving the Crash after your Crush.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
First,
welcome to the Club, my dear. There are very few females who haven't
encountered a borderline disordered man at some point during
their lifetime, whether he's been a fellow employee, a boss, a neighbor,
or a guy from one of those online dating sites (where there's a
preponderance of 'em).
A
colleague who works almost exclusively with male borderlines, has
told me that they generally present as "commitment-phobes and
sex addicts," which seems logical--for at the very core of
borderline pathology, is an attachment issue that starts
in infancy, with Mother.
These
males are love-avoidant. It's not that they haven't wanted
love--it's that they've never been able to trust it. You
won't change this, by the way.
Borderline
Personality Disorder in men is harder to recognize than in women,
because their seductions are usually emotional, rather than sexual.
The Male Borderline may appear 'normal' in contrast to other men,
who seem so afraid of closeness, they're back-peddling before your
second date! For simplicity's sake, this piece names the borderline
disordered male, Casanova. Seducing women
feeds his narcissism, and fills his core emptiness--it's his addiction.
Since he can't form solid/healthy attachments, he takes hostages.
Make sure you don't become his next prisoner.
It's
not that there are actually more women than men with BPD, it's that
we haven't identified the ways it manifests in males, as
pathological. We might have climbed on-board with the 'male bashing'
some women have promoted, and assumed this gender had innate deficits
when they've acted like "jerks," but what's often spawned
our pejorative view, is aberrant behavior patterns in men with borderline
traits. Does that rearrange your mental files?
Male
BPD traits include impulsivity, passive aggression, lying, stalking,
lack of empathy, poor self-worth, drug/alcohol abuse, extramarital
affairs, rageful outbursts, depression/suicidal ideation, inability
to hold difficult emotions or self-soothe, self-harming behaviors
(or accident prone), cognitive distortion and projections, splitting
(love you/hate you), physical volatility or violence, rebound relationships,
anxiety or OCD issues, self-sabotage in personal and professional
realms, an incapacity to want you--unless they
can't have you, extreme jealousy, eating disorders, selective
memory/recall, etc.
A
TRIP TO THE MOON ON GOSSAMER WINGS--OR JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
Initially,
you may be taken with his unique openness and vulnerability, since
you haven't encountered this in other males you've known. It's refreshing
to find a guy who doesn't censor his feelings/thoughts, and seems
emotionally accessible! It's incredible that this man appears so
completely without guile, he almost instantly puts you at ease and
inspires your trust.
You're
appreciated for your qualities and attributes, and admired/respected
for the woman you've become. He's extremely attentive at first,
and wants to be with you constantly--which is like music
to your soul. As this courtship picks up speed, you feel fortunate
to have found such a considerate, loving, thoughtful man--but just
as you begin trusting that his pronouncements of love are genuine
and start envisioning your future together, things change.
As soon as a Borderline senses you're really His, he distances himself,
shuts down and/or finds fault with you.
Casanova
makes sure you know how grateful he is to have finally found you,
because you're "like no other woman" he's ever known.
His enthusiasm and glee seem authentic. One of my ex's would initially
remark how great it was, that he'd finally met a female who was
his "intellectual equal." This elicited my prophetic
response; I hope that what you're loving now, you won't start
despising, later. Yes, I'd had warning signals just like you--and
foolishly put them aside. He'd just recently left a long-term marriage,
and I knew better. While he had dated a few others in-between,
my concerns about the wisdom of our timing, were always met with
vehement assurances that he'd wanted someone like me, his
"whole life!" Before long, I threw caution to the wind--and
it came back to bite me on the fanny.
The
brunt of his unhealed pain concerning the loss of other attachments
was transferred to me--which couldn't help but create speed-bumps;
he'd tried to monitor/control my eating,
for one. His father (The Doctor) died of arterial
disease, and his wife gained a huge amount of weight during
their marriage. Two sizable abandonments, for sure--but while I'd
gently point out that this stuff didn't belong with me,
and assure him I wouldn't get fat or die anytime soon, this issue
arose constantly. Resolving it, typically took hours.
Mostly, our time together was marvelous, but the dialogues became
exhausting--like working on my days off. No question, I
was doing all the heavy lifting in that relationship; tears streamed
down his face, whenever I'd try to engage him on any topic we were
struggling with--no matter how soft my approach. This was
his method of shutting-down, and deflecting
resolution. When we'd get close to a breakthrough, he'd kitchen-sink
me (re-referencing former issues that had previously been
discussed and resolved), in an effort to throw me off track, and
maintain control. In truth, I'd recognized his
narcissism early on, and thought I could handle it--but this control
issue kept rearing its ugly little head, and it was profoundly
injurious to our bond.
This
meticulous male had OCD features, which spilled over into our dynamic.
His perfectionism ran amok, and as he apparently needed to have
the upper hand in this romance, he'd instruct me on how
to do the most basic tasks! I viewed this with awe and disbelief,
as I'd taken excellent care of myself for over fifty years--and
managed all that, without his input. This behavior felt infantalizing,
and made me presume he'd been with needy, insecure females before
me--or ones who had somehow tolerated his narcissistic traits. Maybe
they'd swallowed their feelings, and developed some emotional
and physical insulation,
just to cope!
Casanova's
middle name is Rebound. His immediate need is to
replace you, if the affair falters. After an incredibly fatiguing
three months of dealing with the drama in that relationship,
I regretfully threw in the towel. I had second thoughts the following
day, and phoned (six hours later) to ask if we might give it one
more try. He was "unsure." As it turned out, he'd already
lined up dates with several new women, to mitigate what must have
been intolerable abandonment shame. We resumed our dance over the
next few weeks, but I could never get our connection back--and he
lied about sleeping with others while having unprotected
sex with me! Not to worry m'dear, I got even.
SOMETIMES
YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT--SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.
There
are times
you'll think you're going insane--because the contradictions
and mixed messages just keep coming. At first, you'll sweep them
under the rug, and find ways to excuse them--but it get's tougher
to feel like you're on solid ground when the rules keep
changing. For example; he insists that you learn to sleep very close
or entwined--but just as you get accustomed to it, you'll begin
finding him on the farthest side of the bed. If you approach this
subject (even very gently), he'll scold you for not bringing it
up sooner--and make it seem like your failing. Borderlines
pull you in closer, then push you away; you'll either feel adored
and admired or devalued and dejected. Listen to Madonna
on this (hit the 'back' button on your web browser, to return).
You
may be a strong, well-established, successful woman with a mind
of her own, but the Borderline has an uncanny ability to wear you
down until you're second-guessing and doubting yourself. Fairly
soon after your romance takes flight, he could coax you to "open
up" or let down your guard, and trust him more. Up to this
point, his behaviors have been loving--but you've gone with your
instincts so far, and it takes you awhile to let someone
in really close. A long-time friend eventually succumbed to the
cajoling of such a male. The minute she dropped her armor and gave
him access to her softer, vulnerable side, he phoned less, played
crazy-making mind games, found fault with her, and turned into an
asshole. Having fallen in love, it took my friend months to get
over him--but her body has held that trauma. She's left with a severe
colon disorder, which makes it impossible to even consider getting
physically or emotionally naked with a man again. At least
she's safe from more injury, but some toxic
shame remains.
HE
LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
I
dated a guy in my thirties, that I quickly sensed was neurotic.
One minute, The Meltz was all over me (like Doakes on Dexter),
and I couldn't even keep lipstick on, with all that kissing! The
next thing I knew, he was unreachable, distant and cold--but then
it would switch again. This Dr. Jekyll - Mr.
Hyde split in behavior and demeanor is a dead giveaway,
that you're involved with a borderline disordered male, and there's
big trouble up ahead.
You
may have accepted some blame for his erratic moods, because it made
perfect sense when he explained why he was withdrawn, frustrated,
angry or sad--and you wanted to help him. After all, this terrific
guy has chosen You to love, and share all these feelings with--aren't
you the lucky one?
Casanova
tries to globalize
his behaviors, to make them seem commonplace or trivial. He'll diminish/humiliate
you for making mountains out of molehills, and sweating "the
small stuff." He'll make you feel wrong for accepting
his word on commitments he breaks. When he doesn't follow through,
he lacks the decency to apologize. If you confront this and hold
him accountable for his actions, he makes excuses, becomes
rageful and projects his shame and self-loathing onto you. He's
been with females a lot more desperate, who've let him get away
with this crap, but you don't have to. He's shown you who
he is, and who he isn't--and he's
definitely not a man of his word. Do not trust him.
Don't
presume he's telling you the truth about his sexual history, or
health. You may want to believe him when he says he's "clean,"
or just got an aids test--but the reality is, he's
used to lying, and fabricating/embellishing facts to get what he
wants, and you honestly can't know who you're dealing with, when
you've begun dating. Use protection--no matter what your
intuition is saying about this guy! Not doing so, could mean a death
sentence or living with a painful virus like herpes or genital
warts, he conveniently "forgot" to tell you about.
As
with borderline females, this fellow lacks boundaries and impulse
control. He could show up at your house or work unannounced, or
phone a ridiculous number of times during your day, which
will initially be delightful--but you'll later question whether
or not he's capable of tolerating time alone. He may be
awkward around your friends--especially when they're male. His jealousy
might be well hidden, but you can sense his frosty reserve when
he meets them. Any individual who takes your attention away from
him is perceived as a threat. He'll accuse you of the most
absurd indiscretions--and you'll feel as though you're constantly
defending yourself against his irrational fantasies concerning
other men in your life! No matter how much you reassure
him of your devotion, he just can't retain it. No Borderline
can. Loving Casanova is like trying to fill a bottomless
pit.
JUST
WHEN YOU THINK IT'S SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER . . .
Even
if your radar's pretty sharp when it comes to men, and you think
you're exempt from falling for a borderline disordered male, think
again. This guy seems so wonderful at first, you can hardly believe
it! It's like you've been wishing for this kind of connection forever,
and now it's finally here. But as this relationship progresses,
you'll feel increasingly frustrated, confused and tormented. That
fantastically open guy you met keeps shutting you out,
and you end up painfully longing and yearning for what was.
I've
met a few Casanovas, and have even worked with a couple of 'em.
They phone me with relationship issues (no surprise there),
but telltale comments always give them away. They seem determined
to tell me what great lovers they are, and how every female they've
ever been with, has declared them "The Best." A confident
male doesn't need to talk about
his sexual prowess, or anything else he feels certain of
for that matter (income, job status, good looks, athletic superiority,
academic achievements, etc.).
This
man's self-esteem is typically predicated on externalized
elements that reflect his success or accomplishments, rather than
having an intrinsic sense of lovability/worth for simply being,
as opposed to doing--which
is a remnant from boyhood.
This
male is likely to choose-down, or select females he perceives as
needy or less powerful than he. Any woman who is whole or has greater
resources than he's recognized in himself, activates his abandonment
fears. If he does choose a partner who's relatively sound/healthy,
he'll systematically tear her down, and make her question her own
worth. In this way, he's always in the driver's seat, and abandonment
concerns are averted.
Casanova
is prone to having affairs with married women, or engaging in his
own extramarital dalliances. He persistently chooses 'safe' relationships
that have no chance of moving beyond a casual or superficial status.
He gets to be The Hero who swoops in and rescues damsels in distress
from stale/worn out commitments. He could have a desperate need
to be needed, if boyhood issues left him with shame
concerning worthiness. Childhood chaos or drama always ignites the
need to control our experiences, and drives codependent
relational dynamics that fortify the grandiose, false-self. These
defenses can be like rescue-remedy for a damaged soul,
but relief is short-lived.
Compensatory
behaviors that help one defend against inner fragility,
usually take the form of various addictions and/or compulsions that
undermine even the most sound relationship dynamics. Attachment
ambivalence consistently derails his ability to maintain
deep, meaningful ties. This impairment stems from boyhood self-esteem
concerns, that make it virtually impossible for him to be emotionally
naked or genuine with a partner who's actually available;
the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. Bottom
line, if a man isn't comfortable with himself,
how could he possibly be centered and straight with You?!
THE
ONE THAT GOT AWAY (YOUR CONSTANT NEMESIS)
Casanova
might talk about his past lovers, and make comparisons
between them and you. Since he can't feel passionate/dramatic yearning
for someone unless she's out of reach, his feelings of
"Love" are usually squandered on a former romance. A woman
who's present, loving and available doesn't trigger the difficult
emotions he learned as a boy, were about loving an unavailable
parent. It's highly inappropriate for him to compare you to anyone
else--and you should never tolerate it. This is
his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good
enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly?
So he can make you feel jealous/insecure, and exercise more control
over you and the relationship! If you're sticking around, make sure
he knows he can't abuse you like this any longer--and hope to keep
you. A guy I knew, did this with every
female he dated! If Howdy Doody (that's who he looked like)
hadn't had just two redeeming qualities, I wouldn't have stayed
past the third date.
Being
in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough,
thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc. He may not convey
his disdain or disappointment directly, but you will always feel
inadequate. The truth is, he's insecure at his core--so he has to
throw a shroud around your flame, to make his own glow
a little brighter. He may never compliment you, but you'll surely
know about the imperfections/deficits he sees in you. The narcissistic
father does the same to his children. They grow up trying to please
a parent who is not given to praise--unless their accomplishments
reflect on him, and he can take credit for them. This behavior
is wounding to their self-esteem, and drives compulsive perfectionism
which can compromise their health.
GULLABILITY,
AND THE GURU COMPLEX
Too
many females
are easily taken in by the Borderline's apparent brilliance and
base of knowledge. In direct contrast to the instability you've
observed in this male, there have been times you've glimpsed what
seems to be his wisdom, his spirituality and his incredible knack
for stating things that make him sound like the absolute
authority on health and well-being. Borderlines are usually plagiarists
and copycats. They may have read a plethora of
self-help books along their life-path, which helped them assemble
their broken inner shards of tile into a mosaic of sorts, that resembles
a whole/definable self-image. They've got a remarkable capacity
to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps
you presume they're healthy and sane. This characteristic
is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping"
professions--which amplifies the volume on your ambivalence and
confusion about these guys. The central problem with their Guru
Complex, is that they can talk the talk--but there's
no way they can walk it! That would require
integrity, which
is a by-product of emotional (and moral) development.
YOU
CAN'T MAKE A FRUIT SALAD OUT OF A BANANA.
Casanova
may be parsimonious in bed, or very generous--but your orgasm is
His--not yours. He's so darned busy pleasing you, he's a spectator
who's not engaged in the game. The most pleasure he can take for
himself, is thinking he'll stand out among all other lovers, who
will pale against your memory of him. His narcissism
is profound, to say the least. The sex may be great, but it could
be the only part of this deal that is.
In
a committed relationship, his determination to please you wanes--unless
he can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted
by something, or someone else. The borderline male kicks into high
gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing
you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives
on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and
(like all addictions) floods him with sensations of aliveness. He
literally lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead
inside, without them.
A
lifetime of avoiding those difficult feelings, stirs his
frantic need to remain attached--even after your relationship has
bit the dust. He may be obsessed with rescuing compulsions if there
are codependent
features in his makeup, but efforts to escape his core pain/emptiness
will eventually be transferred to another, once you've ended all
contact. This doesn't mean that you won't ever hear from him again.
He may check in now and then, to test the waters and see if there's
an opening (or catch you in a weak moment). No response is always
the best response.
You
might want to resolve any unfinished business between you on friendly
terms--but you'll never win with Casanova, or have
him view you as he did before. If you keep hitting this ball back
across the net and let him bait you, your conversations
could feel devaluing/shaming--and you'll just be helping him drive
you crazier, with each contact. He's toxic. Move
on.
FRANKLY
MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
Contrary
to popular belief, the borderline male isn't necessarily compulsively
drawn to sex--and in truth, he may be withholding and aloof concerning
your needs for sensual contact. The Casanova Complex is
purely about seduction. He has to exert control
over you, whether that be financially, emotionally or sexually.
Interactions must be on his terms, or he doesn't want to
play. This can take the form of 'booty calls' in the middle of the
night--or whenever it's least convenient for You. He may
press you to satisfy his sexual proclivities (anal intercourse,
fellatio, dawning provocative costumes, sadomasochistic practices,
watching porn, etc.), without any concern for what's comfortable
and pleasurable for you. What else would you expect from
this narcissistic guy?
Borderlines
can be openly misogynistic (woman hating), or they may wrestle with
substantial mistrust of females. Covert or secret fears concerning
trust, combine with self-esteem issues, that trap males
in emotional ambivalence, and leave them vacillating between loving
women and despising them. This is the legacy that's left to them
by their mothers. It seems that Jewish men are
particularly at risk, due to engulfment
struggles during childhood.
Fear
of closeness/intimacy plays out in all sorts of ways. A guy can
bitch and moan for decades about not getting enough sex
with his wife--yet he's thirty pounds overweight, has bad breath
or poor body hygiene, isn't home most of the time due to "work
demands," flirts with others in his partner's presence, etc.
There's a payoff for
maintaining these systems, because this damaged connection is always
the woman's fault. He sees himself as the victim of her
neglect--but he's simply reconstructed
his boyhood dynamics with Mom.
Casanova
often uses a long-term relationship or marriage as his springboard
for flirtations and conquests. Without this relatively stable 'home
base,' he's usually at odds in the world of women, due to his insecurities.
His emotional development is stunted, so he's basically a pre-adolescent.
His devoted wife or lover represents the safety/security of the
mother he never had; still very young, he can't
navigate life totally on his own--so he's reassured/comforted when
she's waiting, as he returns home from escapades with other females.
If
you are the wife of a Borderline or Narcissist, and you've finally
decided to leave (after trying for years to make your marriage work),
he'll likely collapse into inconsolable depression. No matter how
many infidelities he's had, your husband's childhood abandonment
trauma will get reactivated--and he'll be howling at the moon in
shame, for months afterward. What men never seem to comprehend,
is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning
back. For better or worse, when she's finally done, she's done.
THE
BOY WHO CRIED WAIF
The
male borderline can come across as charismatic, seductive and powerful,
which are characteristics that are especially attractive to female
borderlines, or he may be humble, self-effacing, disempowered and
seemingly victimized
by life events and relationships. Whether a Superman or Waif, you'll
need to keep your antennae circling, and trust even your most subtle
impressions.
No
matter how much cheerleading you've granted him, the male
waif makes you feel guilty for not believing in him enough, while
he tries to get his ship in the water--but how is it, that he hasn't
accomplished this over the past few decades before he met you??
Any relational upset "diverts" him from his goals, so
you have to stifle your frustration, anger and sadness--or he'll
hold you responsible for his 'get-rich' schemes
not working out. In other words, you keep paying all the bills,
while he rants at you for not caring about him or his success, accuses
you of "only caring about the money,"
and makes his failings and setbacks your fault! He might
even get sick or injure himself on a frequent basis, to elicit your
care and concern--and get you off his back for expecting more out
of him. He could also blame you for his affairs.
Waif
traits are common among men who live off the generosity or sympathy
of females. No self-respecting male can let a partner support him
long-term; if he does, he's sitting on some unresolved rage concerning
women. It's like payback for the trauma a demanding/controlling
mommy has left behind, and it's passive-aggressive. Subconsciously,
he needs you to adore and take care of him, no matter what--but
he'll eventually turn you into the kind of woman he left
home to get away from. He's like Peter Pan--he never grows
up.
There's
a strong tendency in some of these men to avert monetary success
if they've grown up with engulfment issues, and staying single
feels safer. On some level, they know that most women will eventually
reject them, due to their lack of financial responsibility. They'll
lament this, and blame these females for being "shallow,"
but this 'deal-breaker' is actually their payoff for remaining poor--it
helps them avoid real closeness and commitment.
Whether
he's made you cognizant of his boyhood wounds and deficits or not,
you'll try to avoid stepping on any emotional land mines, you've
intuited are buried in his past. You might want to be a totally
different female than the one(s) he grew up with--but that
doesn't fit his emotional profile. He's far more familiar/comfortable
with drama and neglect--it's what feels 'normal' to him. Given the
Borderline's paradoxical
nature, when you love him more, he loves you less. As your
relationship grows more copasetic, calm and stable, he's more likely
to sabotage it with betrayals, addictions, compulsions,
etc.
A
waif-like male could be considered The Quiet Borderline. You might
regard him as effete, as he appears completely devoid of masculine
essence (if you didn't know better, you'd swear he's gay!). He's
soft-spoken, passive, and avoids confrontation of any kind. He could
be drawn to strong, independent women, if his mom was domineering
or controlling--but they're not sexually attracted to him. They
may embrace him as a friend, but getting naked with this guy would
feel akin to climbing into bed with a gal-pal. Unless a woman is
fearful of men and masculinity, she'll
be wanting a counterbalance to her feminine aspects--and won't settle
on guys who are disconnected from their primal natures (this is
fallout from a castrating mother, during boyhood).
A
BPD Waif often approaches professional dealings with a sob story.
His lack of funds or finances are always conveyed up-front, when
trying to negotiate any type of business transaction (even therapy).
This behavior is part of his survival reflex that's become habituated--but
its roots go all the way back to childhood. Given it was impossible
to get his mom's attention or care unless he was severely
hurt/bleeding, he's been programmed to elicit sympathy in reference
to all his needs. Since this has become his life-script,
he's doomed to remain episodically pitiful and broke. Self-sabotage
is a huge piece of this picture, and may take the form
of chronic ailments or frequent mishaps.
So
fiercely entrenched is the Borderline's need to control
his reality, he must regularly create opportunities to
pull himself back from the brink of disaster. These destructive
cycles encompass dangerous emotional or sexual liaisons, risky business
ventures, neglect of personal finances, etc.
Childhood
neglect/abuse left him with severe entitlement issues, so he feels
undeserving of abundance/prosperity. The enlivening challenge of
repeatedly surmounting those early traumas, gave him a
semblance of power--which is key to his
self-defeating compulsions. Like Houdini, he's
compelled to keep surviving perilous conditions--just to prove
to himself that he can! But even Houdini finally succumbed to one
of his death-defying performances.
For
this Borderline to begin tolerating love, success and a real sense
of joy, there has to be a paradigm shift. This
takes some hard core therapy, which challenges everything
he grew up believing about himself. If he's wrestling with addictions,
they're not just used to numb his pain--they're used to foil his
glee, for he is considerably more at ease with struggle.
He's the Eternal Martyr. It's simpler to keep circling the drain,
than to climb out of the sink.
THE
WIZARD OF ODDS
The
only kind of closeness/connection Casanova can usually muster once
the relationship is underway, is sexual. You could
crave that sense of emotional attunement you had in the
beginning, but seldom find it. Casanova typically had a Borderline
mother--or one with BPD traits. Given her inherent lack of boundaries,
she might have been playfully seductive with her maturing son, expecting
him to reflect her charismatic/alluring moods when she felt empty,
or dissatisfied with her romantic partnership. Even her carefree/casual
naked or semi-nude exposure around her boy past his toddler phase,
may have left him with unresolved Oedipal struggles, and conveyed
the message; females are easy/unwholesome--and most certainly
unboundaried. He also developed a grandiose sense of mastery over
women, in terms of how to please/control them. Later on, this narcissistic
or false-self, masked boyhood insecurities.
Any
affection or positive attention he got from Mom was solely on her
terms, and based on her immediate need for contact or mirroring--not
his. He came to learn that her ebullient episodes meant that he'd
receive a few crumbs of nourishment from her--but this was always
predicated on her moods, and it was fleeting. In this manner,
she programmed him to place his own feelings, needs and interests
aside to respond to hers--because God only knows when this feel-good
opportunity would come around again.
In-between
these pleasurable experiences with Mother, he was abandoned,
rejected and shamed. She'd scold him for the slightest infractions,
and make it seem as though any/all disappointments or annoyances
were his fault. Of course, he grew into manhood holding
this very shameful/negative self-view, while constantly striving
for perfection. He also grew dangerously enmeshed.
Since
enjoyable/nourishing episodes with his parent were infused with
some level of erotic physical or emotional interplay, he came to
compartmentalize and interpret these as Love--or a way to feel close
with someone. As there were no alternate means for him to fortify
this bond, he learned to objectify females (or love only
a part of them), to meet his cravings for closeness. A woman isn't
seen as a whole/live human being, capable of giving emotional sustenance--but
more a trophy that can bolster/repair his fractured
ego.
When
a mother/son bond is eroticised, all future attachments are influenced
by this tainted experience. Rather than growing up with a loving,
supportive maternal presence, he's been cast into a complex adult
role of gratifying his mother's needs for attention--and has been
used to fuel her narcissism. This early conditioning sets him up
for rescuing compulsions--but he feels most confident and
powerful with his ability to seduce and satisfy. Other features,
qualities and talents he has, remain underdeveloped and/or unclaimed.
Such is the tragic outcome of emotional incest by a parent.
FROM
HERE TO NOCTURNITY
Casanova
likes being flirtatious with you, as it fuels his ego when you return
what he construes as interest or attraction--but that doesn't mean
he wants to pursue something more. This friendly/suggestive banter
between you may span months or even years--but the moment you take
the initiative to make yourself more available, he'll back-peddle
like crazy! Instantly, there are all kinds of obstacles that prevent
his meeting outside the confines of your safe interplay.
This guy seems accessible--and yet he's terrified of closeness with
any female, he might actually value. If you confront
this directly, he'll put it back on your plate;
you of course, are the one who's responsible for
this not going further--the "mixed signals" are always
attributed to you.
Long-term
relationships are pretty rare for this guy, due to fears of intimacy.
To assuage this concern, he'll be prone to having affairs or triangulating
his relationships with various substances or behaviors that help
him manage his terror about getting too close, or having someone
really matter. You may be the 'perfect' lover or wife,
and he'll still cheat--or work far too many hours. It isn't about
you. It's about his lifelong struggle with closeness, abandonment
and engulfment. You cannot fix this.
So
hungry for narcissistic supply/replenishment is Casanova, he could
have emotional affairs with women which seem benign to
him--but represent the kind of infidelity to you, that cuts even
deeper than sexual betrayal. He can maintain connection with his
past lovers in this manner, after promising you he's broken it off.
Again, he feels worthless and dead inside without all this auxiliary
attention, and the roots of this addiction are buried in
his boyhood.
He
may tell you every day, that he "loves"
you--but his actions don't back it up, and the words start feeling
hollow. You'll begin to resent hearing them, as you've recognized
they have no meaning anymore, and they never make a dent in your
loneliness. Your marriage feels like a sham; he's the roommate
now, who still expects husband privileges. His narcissism prevents
him from noticing your pain, or identifying with it. He's in his
own little bubble, which won't burst until
you've left--or kicked him out. This is when you'll see the 'waterworks,'
and hear about his remorse. You've probably been here before. Will
you forgive him again?
MIRROR
MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO'S THE MEANEST OF THEM ALL?
Borderline
males are passive-aggressive. They'll hide out in their caves until
you back off anything that pertains to your relationship, rather
than have an honest conversation with you, on important issues.
With StarrMan, I quickly learned to bury my needs and feelings;
the instant I tried to express myself, he'd just shut-down/withdraw.
Half the time, I'd work to fix that mess--until my therapist
back then, set me straight. There's nothing worse than having someone
exit a relationship this way. You're damned if you open your mouth
because you get abandoned by him, and damned if you don't, because
you're betraying yourself. This song by Willie
Nelson may strike a chord.
Passive
aggression in the Borderline man, means that he usually fights
like a girl. Rather than
direct verbal expression about how he actually feels, he'll
throw cunty, bitchy, sarcastic comments your way. These are often
muttered under his breath--but sometimes, they're loudly hurled
at you during a battle and it's impossible to defend yourself.
Either way, it's dirty fighting.
God
help you, if you point out anything the narcissist or borderline
perceives as criticism. Narcissism inhibits the ability
to peer into one's own mirror, and see the cracks there. Neither
of these personality disorders can tolerate any deficits or shortcomings
within the Self; that would involve the capacity to view
their real nature--rather than just the false-self
they've constructed to defend against inner fragility. The Narcissist
would sooner amputate you out of his life, and cut off
the offending part (you) that's highlighted his failings, than maintain
connection--no matter how nourishing the attachment.
When
you've failed to perfectly mirror/reflect the Narcissist, you're
no longer considered a favorable extension of himself--and he swiftly
removes you like a cancerous growth. Nobody is exempt from
being excised; not his child, his sibling, his therapist, his closest
buddy, nobody. The intense shame that's
invoked when you've seen behind his grandiose
mask, is the primary reason he keeps himself at arms length
in Love. Such was the demise of my thirty-year friendship with Brybaby.
PHANTOM
OF THE OPRAH
Your
Borderline
may assure you of how much 'therapy' he's had. In my world,
there's a humongous difference between psychotherapy and healing
work. If he still struggles with an active
eating disorder or substance abuse problem, and his passive-aggressive
behaviors are driving you nuts, there's something very wrong there.
Mr.
Movie Make-up was the Classic Narcissist who needed
to be needed. This was a sexy little guy, and I wanted to get into
his knickers--but oh, what a price I paid. His emotional
ambivalence and mixed signals were so blatant, he inspired my piece
on passive aggression.
It was quite obvious, he had to control the nature and pacing of
his relationships; a comment he'd made on our second date,
informed me there was zero potential for any future.
That was okay--I wanted his body. I grew fond of him, but compartmentalized
the sex--which wasn't all that hard, in this case. His comments
throughout our affair implied he had me in the girlfriend box (or
needed me to think so), but I knew the minute I got on
that train, I'd be bumped at the next stop. Since he couldn't
control my emotions, he had to control the sex. In short, he cut
me off. When I asked about this, he denied anything was wrong. He'd
feign illness to avoid making love, but then tease/arouse me--only
to depart, and leave me hanging. Underneath his 'nice guy' facade,
this man is sadistic.
Chronic
premature
ejaculation is a passive-aggressive issue that's a facet of male
impotency. It demonstrates a desire for attachment--but a deep fear
of it, as well. Casanova's quick orgasmic release serves only him
of course, and the woman's needs be damned. To
be clear; this is a male's withholding on the most intimate
level of human contact there is--and it's about rage.
The
acting-out behaviors don't start immediately, but the lying usually
does. He'll tell you what he needs you to believe about
him--nothing more or less. If you haven't grown to rely on your
instincts and intuitions (past childhood), you could be a sitting
duck for this guy. Our extra-sensory aspects are God-given at birth,
and they're meant to serve and protect us! Many of us were taught
not to trust our senses/perceptions as kids, which gets
us into a ton of trouble later on. Shutting down
or discarding difficult feelings early in life, leaves us with deficits
that come back to haunt us, in adulthood. Even your fight or
flight reflex is on the blink, because you've learned to think
your way through life, as opposed to feeling your way through.
This can be fixed.
ONCE
UPON A TIME, IN A LAND FAR, FAR AWAY . . .
You
keep wondering what has happened to that amazing connection you
felt initially, because it's feeling very different now. These changes
tend to creep on rather insidiously; perhaps his nasty moods were
prompted by something work related, or someone else. Naturally,
you might have tried to comfort or cheer him up--but this often
made him more irritable or angry. He may have told you it had nothing
to do with you--but it certainly didn't feel that way.
Despite all this, you've courageously hung in there, hoping to recapture
that delicious sense of intimacy and closeness you shared at the
start, but the more you've reached for it, the more it's eluded
you.
You
can't initiate any conversations about these disconcerting changes
that aren't turned right back on you; "If you would only
be more understanding, patient, supportive, loving, etc., this relationship
could be great." You'll look for the grain of truth in
his reasoning, because you're an adult who's learned to pull your
own covers off, and take responsibility for your actions. But he'll
never do this! You may occasionally hear an "I'm sorry,"
though he's way too damaged and narcissistic to admit any errors
or shortcomings.
In
truth,
mostly everything this man dumps on you, is a projection.
You're a bit too willing to absorb it, due to some unresolved childhood
pain--and the fact that you've been too hard on yourself, all these
years. Dealing with his abuse feels easier
than being alone with You, because when you're beating-up on yourself,
you can't defend against your attacker. Stop that!
IF
IT LOOKS, WALKS AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S A DUCK.
Spousal
abuse is just one of the ways that borderline pathology plays out
in men. Borderline males live with substantial emotional wounds
left over from childhood, that are difficult to face--much less,
feel. It's considerably easier for males to be
mad than sad--and since
anger is an activating emotion, it provides temporary relief
from more vulnerable sensations, like depression, guilt, self-loathing,
fear, disempowerment, etc. We get a far more accurate picture of
a Borderline's inner pain, when he's crying and deeply remorseful,
after landing his wife or girlfriend in a hospital's emergency ward.
This is the only time he can express fragile emotions,
without intense self-reproach. To suggest that domestic violence
goes on between normal folks, is lunacy.
Casanova
has cut-off/dissociated from difficult feelings since early boyhood,
so his capacity for genuine emotions is severely limited. If he
could feel true remorse, there'd be emotional growth--and
he wouldn't keep repeating these brutal/destructive acts. Sobbing
and pleadings for forgiveness are associated with abandonment trauma
left over from boyhood. His deep sense of despair after painful
beatings or a parent's withdrawal for perceived transgressions
(no matter how 'perfectly' he behaved), left him with shame. Toxic
shame is not about your injuries--it's a remnant from his
childhood anguish.
Infant
neglect and childhood abuse are at the crux of this disorder. Whether
his wounds are from physical beatings or psychic/emotional damage,
they've undermined his sense of Self. There could be sexual molestation
or incest in his background, which left him with questions concerning
his sexual identity, or the viability of his masculine essence.
Compensatory
behaviors that help mitigate this brand of boyhood shame
and/or guilt, can include addictions to pedophilia and porn. Self-worth
issues stemming from childhood will erupt in some way,
at some point. A man who was raised by a volatile, violent father
and passive/victim mother, is likely to settle on partners who have
his dad's traits, while adopting the mother's passivity
as his own. Since she's elicited his sympathy and concern, she's
the parent with whom he can identify (and is the lesser of two
evils, in fact). Childhood beatings do not in themselves, spawn
Borderline pathology. The roots of this disorder involve betrayal
by an adult 'caregiver,' who fails to protect
a child from harm, or another's cruelty. Perhaps performer
Michael Jackson was a tragic victim of this upbringing.
It's
a commonly known fact, that the Jackson kids suffered terrible abuses
at the hands of their father, while their mother appears to have
turned a blind eye to it, and hid behind her religious convictions.
In my opinion, she's more responsible for her children's
emotional and psychological issues.
How
can any child fault the parent who's so devout, and blatantly pious?
He can't! Even the notion of doing so, is tantamount to
challenging God, which is considered a "sin"
that threatens to bring far more wrath. In a sense, he's imprisoned
by a jailor who overlooks the atrocities that are dealt
him.
The
parental roles may of course be reversed, if the mother is the more
toxic or dangerous presence, and the father's passive nature is
to hide-out in his work--or indulge various addictions/compulsions.
Twelve-step programs and strong religious affiliations can also
help him escape the constant torment,
haranguing and abuse that lands on his defenseless kids
instead.
I'm
always astounded, when I work with clients who have any
trust in God or sense of spirituality, when they've survived horrible
cruelty at the hands of their parents! To a small child, the
parent IS a god--someone
he/she trusts implicitly and automatically, to protect and care
for them. The stories I hear are utterly heartbreaking, in context
of the pain these people have endured, and I'm amazed at their capacity
to even approach trusting me.
THE
PRINCE OF TIDES
If
a Borderline is in treatment, the therapist is 'an object' to manipulate
and bend to his control, because he must control all of
his relationships. He'll be alternately seductive and belligerent
during treatment--yep, a regular Jekyll and Hyde; I think you know
exactly what I mean. Some weeks, the therapist is "brilliant,"
and he is ecstatic to have found him/her.
Other sessions, he's devaluing, angry, petulant, argumentative,
etc. This all good/all bad reflex is quite central to borderline
pathology--it's referred to, as splitting. You
could literally feel like you need a shower afterwards,
to wash off the toxic residue that's left in his wake.
Neither
Borderlines
nor Narcissists can tolerate therapeutic misattunements. Their desire
to distance or cut off therapy (especially when it's getting
close to a nerve or breakthrough), is pretty common. Some of these
individuals try to flood themselves with numerous other modalities
that help diffuse their reliance on any single
source for help (I call this the Buckshot Method); such is the extent
of their attachment concerns and abandonment terror. A sound, meaningful
therapeutic endeavor helps one experience corrective, authentic
interplay leading to conflict resolution, which involves
two beings. The client ideally takes this newfound ability into
his private world, having learned the critical distinction between
two hands clapping, rather than just one--which his narcissism
had halted earlier. Naturally, the question begs to be asked: Where
else would he learn intimacy skills??
Casanova
often plays musical chairs with therapists. His needs are profound,
but given his inherent trust issues, there's less threat if he spreads
himself thin--and has a stable to choose from, the minute
he's in crisis. He's a serial patient, who's unlikely to spend any
more than two years (consecutively) in treatment. There's a separation/individuation
issue that's stirred before this juncture, which activates
subtle anxiety surrounding his fears of dependency and abandonment.
If this natural stage isn't addressed by the therapist, and resolution
cannot be gained, the client leaves--feeling that his needs can
no longer be responded to. Sadly, Casanova's difficulties are characterological,
meaning intrinsic or core to how he's orchestrated
his life and relationships. Inevitably, the same issues resurface
in his next romantic catastrophe, and he begins anew with
another therapist. Why won't he resume with the last one who helped?
His shame at being back in this hole in the road prevents
it--and his fragile ego can't handle being that exposed or vulnerable.
If
the therapist is especially nurturing/caring, a borderline disordered
male's engulfment concerns are triggered--particularly if he felt
responsible for his parents' happiness/well-being as a boy. He has
little frame of reference for someone being responsive to his
needs, and his grandiosity can't tolerate it. He must remain in
the one-up position with all his relationships, and destroy any
type of attachment that doesn't afford him this opportunity.
It's
not that Casanova can't be helped--it's that he won't
be. He sets up all his relationships in such a manner that they
have no choice, but to abandon him. He'll act-out by confounding
and undermining any nourishing/supportive presence that comes his
way. Even after decades of focused, psychodynamic treatment, childhood
issues of unworthiness and shame stay entrenched and implacable.
His mother was easily overwhelmed and incapable of adequately
responding to his needs during infancy and boyhood. From this, he
concluded that meaningful, helpful attention and assistance were
not available to him. Borderlines are compelled to reconstitute
the early frustrations and deficits that prompted their intense
need for control. This control shows up in their
therapeutic dyad, as resistance to healing and growth.
For
the Borderline, winning takes precedence over getting
well. Thus ensues an endless power struggle with the clinician.
His narcissism resents anyone's expertise or wisdom eclipsing his,
so he's prone to selecting therapists who aren't equipped to meet
his needs. The ones who have the capacity to help, jostle
his defenses, and heighten his competitive reflexes. The one element
that can actually assist him in healing, is the thing he
dreads most--which is surrendering to someone's care.
THE
NATURE OF THE BEAST
Borderlines
are narcissistic, and incapable of empathy (the capacity to relate
to your feelings and needs). When it comes to gift-giving,
they'll purchase what they think you should have, as opposed
to what you actually want or need--unless they're in the seduction
phase. A great example, was Bob the Narcissist. Despite
my solid fashion acumen, he insisted on buying me some
clothes (I'm missing a chromosome, and hate to shop--you've gotta
hold a gun to my head, to get me into a mall). After a bit of a
struggle, Bob took me to The Gap, then approved (or didn't),
everything I tried on. He vetoed all of my choices, and we left
with very little--which was fine by me. To say this man
was controlling, is a gross understatement! Bob would invite me
to his home, and then take a shower--without
leaving his entry door unlocked. By the sixth or seventh time
this nutty thing happened, I was frustrated and furious enough to
pummel him when he let me inside. I'm thinkin' metaphor
here--but as he was twenty years my senior, maybe it was just senility.
Casanova
is dangerous, not only because he's capable of physically violent
acts--but because the emotional stress of this
relationship, takes its toll on your body! Numerous women (both
friends and clients) have reported serious ailments, such as severe
colon disorders, breast or uterine cancers, stomach problems, migraine
headaches, etc., in the wake of these involvements--and these were
all physically fit/healthy ladies before they met their Borderline.
Now
honey, if you are still intent on dating a borderline man, rent
the movie Lonely Hearts starring John
Travolta and Salma Hayek. If after you see this film, you're wanting
to be with/stay with a borderline disordered male, strike up a pen-pal
relationship with an inmate on death row, at any penitentiary of
your choosing. At least he's behind bars, and you'll be safer from
harm. Or you could write to O.J. instead.
Borderlines
and Narcissists are emotionally undercooked, which leaves them pretty
short-sighted--especially when it involves making promises they
can't or won't keep. They're pathological liars, who say
things in the moment they don't really mean, to lure you with fantasies
for a sublime tomorrow. I once knew a guy (Dan the Ferrari Man)
who stated very early on, that he wanted to protect me,
take care of me, and make the world a safer place. Frankly,
my world wasn't an unsafe place--but no
matter how independent a woman is, there aren't many of us who
don't want to hear those words from a main squeeze (I think
it's hard-wired into our DNA). With time, I started trusting that
he meant these premature declarations, and lowered my guard--which
was the beginning of our end. This fellow couldn't handle real
emotions--not his own, and most definitely, not mine.
THE
MATRIMONY BALONEY
When
a man's
been married more than twice, do not rest assured
that he's capable of committing! Commitment is an emotional
issue, not a legal one. If he's got several failed marriages behind
him, don't be naive and buy into his stories about all those other
women who failed to love him well enough, or you
could be number five. This guy has made a career of matrimony--and
tosses women aside like tissues. In reality, he can't tolerate living
alone (or being with himself).
Given
his inherent distrust of females, Casanova might never marry--or
if he does, it's very late in life, when he begins to sense that
he'll need someone around to take care of him, if/when
he can't get it up--or he's too old or sick to care about it. If
you wed an aging guy, you'd better get your nurse's hat
out of storage, and prepare to be his mommy.
There
is no problem with somebody making a conscious
decision not to get hitched. Not everyone is cut out for cohabitation,
marriage and/or kids, and understanding/respecting this about yourself
and staying true to it, is every adult's prerogative. But an over-ripe
Casanova marries by default, and that's just not right,
or fair to his partner.
Benjy
was an old buddy who decided in his late sixties, to "settle
down." He talked of wanting to marry--and I'm thinkin'
yah, to the winner go the spoils. This guy had more notches on his
bedpost than Carter has liver pills, but he was finally "ready"
to march down the aisle with someone he could stand to keep around--if
she was wealthy. Was he God's gift to women? Hardly.
HOW
TO RECOGNIZE A TROUBLED GUY, 101
When
you've started dating, and he tells you he likes and respects his
mom, explore this a bit further. If he says she's a Saint
or Angel, run like hell. A man who keeps his mother
on a pedestal, is a dangerous man to love. First of all, he's in
heavy denial and hopelessly enmeshed--and
if he wasn't able to separate his needs and feelings from Mom's,
he won't have learned to do it with you! If she's still alive, you'll
be competing with her for his attention. If she's dead, you will
forever compete with his pristine memory of her--and never measure-up.
Either way, this spells disaster! There's a huge difference between
a guy who's had issues with Mother, and a man who's worked them
through in a solid/nourishing therapeutic endeavor, and surmounted
his fear and mistrust. He could have chosen to 'divorce' her, if
their relationship felt too poisonous--but it's critical that he
heals from this boyhood trauma, and identifies/resolves
the issues he's inherited (like narcissism), thanks to
her.
It
isn't that these men are bad people--but they could be badly damaged.
It is this damage, that inhibits their capacity to sustain
loving, intimate bonds. Many have attributes and qualities that
are enviable and admirable--in fact, I wish I'd bronzed one or two
of 'em for my mantle! All kidding aside, these guys can be generous
and sweet until they've hooked you--and by then,
it's too late to extract yourself from their clutches. Pay attention
to the pacing in your relationships; when a male comes-on
to you like gangbusters, watch your back!
A
Borderline
can seduce you for the heck of it--or when he's not interested in
pursuing you. A caregiver type I've known for many years
is so narcissistic, he thinks he's being noble/altruistic with his
tender gestures--while sending hurtful, confusing signals to women.
No female wants a 'pity fuck,' or even a kiss, if it isn't heartfelt.
His seduction routine is splendidly orchestrated, and he's diabolical.
Dating his patients, not only illustrates this Casanova's poor sense
of boundaries and impulse control--it's an ethical breach, that
could cost him his license to practice medicine! Professional and
personal risks of this magnitude, are frequently taken by emotionally
myopic Borderlines.
Every
woman who attaches to a Borderline has difficulty accepting that
she's adored someone who has psychotic features--no matter how
pronounced his disturbing behaviors have been. Her childhood might
have been punctuated with distressing or painful experiences, that
left behind a relational blueprint that has predetermined self-worth
and partner selection. This early blueprint can undermine romantic
endeavors, and destroy solid/nourishing friendships.
AFTER
THE FALL - IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS OF THE MOURNING.
Casanova's
strategies for winning you over are myriad--but when the affair's
over, you're left with this excruciating ache for that fellow who
swept you off your little feet. You'll only remember the good times
of course--if this were untrue, no woman would
sign-up for the pain of childbirth, more than once!
A
Borderline can leave you abruptly, which is nothing
short of devastating. He may pin it on some kind of deal-breaker
that suddenly seems untenable--like an age disparity between you,
your inability to bear a child, those little habits he found adorable--but
can't stand now, etc. You'll feel shocked and bewildered when he
leaves you for someone new, or returns to a former love
he'd always bitched about, while you patiently listened and comforted.
This hurts like your leg has been amputated. It's that
bad. Your pain won't phase him. He lacks humanity.
In
the aftermath of this affair, you've tortured yourself by assuming
that this failure must be your fault--and wondering what
you might have said or done differently, to make it work. You're
left with shame and painful regret about "what went wrong?"
and it seems like an eternity before you can even trust
yourself enough, to contemplate getting involved again.
The male Borderline is irresistible to
females: He's generous with his time and affection, he's a good
listener, he gives you presents very early in your relationship
(like your first or second date) and seems utterly captivated
by you. The trouble starts when he's captured you.
There's no way you could have seen this coming.
It's
not that you want his crazy-making antics back, it's that you're
having a hard time sitting with the shame of feeling rejected/discarded.
At the heart of these intense sensations,
are the 'leftovers' from childhood abandonment. This archaic pain
is being stirred-up right now--but you can surmount it.
ARE
YOU A MAGNET FOR NARCISSISTS AND BAD BOYS?
If
you're persistently drawn to narcissistic men, there were serious
deficits in consistent, nourishing support and affection during
your childhood (usually with Mother), that set you up for
distressing, confusing relational dynamics in your adult life. This
girlhood conditioning will likely keep you choosing the 'Mr. Wrongs,'
until you're ready to tackle some inner healing work.
A
borderline disordered male could seem nonchalant about your romance
at the start, or after you're involved for a relatively short period.
If your sense of worth is healthy enough to go looking for somebody
who appreciates you, the very instant Casanova senses there's competition
on the scene, he'll be fixated on winning you back. Don't accept
that his pronouncements of love are authentic at this juncture--his
ego can't tolerate your interest shifting to someone else,
and it's really as simple as that! His impassioned response is all
about him--not about you, or your importance to him. If
you fall for this seduction ploy, it won't be long before you're
feeling insignificant again; in fact, it's pretty darned close to
when he's finally worn you down, and won you over.
Stalking
can be a serious problem, if he suspects you're seeing another man.
Be sure and keep a low profile, and guard your date's property (and
yours as well). Borderlines usually act-out their
jealousy, insecurity, jilted egos, etc., with snooping around your
private world and vandalism, so avoid rubbing
his nose in your business! Keep your new activities out
of venues like Facebook and Twitter, change all your locks, mount
motion detector lights around your home, and file a restraining
order if necessary. Be wise--don't tempt fate. In other words, do
not harpoon his ego, as there's often a heavy price to pay.
A
former client couldn't resist plastering her web page with a new
romance, despite my vehement, cautionary
warnings. When she divorced her husband, he sued her for gobs of
money--which she's still trying to pay off! In short, he
got even in the only way he knew how, to salve his poor,
brutalized ego. Frankly, I didn't blame him. Castrating any
male is dangerous. Castrating a Borderline, can be deadly--or at
the very least, extremely costly.
AN
OUNCE OF PREVENTION, IS WORTH A BLOODY POUND OF CURE.
The
way to avoid getting involved with a Borderline, is to smell his
neurosis at the start. Pay very close attention to how his interactions
make you feel. I met an absolutely gorgeous
man one evening when I was out on the town. We had a pleasant exchange,
and Mr. Spago insisted on taking me to dinner soon--but
kept asking what I saw in him; a definite red flag! This
guy was revealing how insecure he was, and that he'd already
begun projecting into our future, which means he's uncomfortable
with the present (hasn't learned to feel
his way along). He called later that night, and his message conveyed
how much he had enjoyed meeting me (good stuff). There were more
than a few voicemails from him over the next several days--but you'll
love this; he never left me a contact number--at
least, not until he grew frustrated that I wasn't just hanging around,
waiting for the phone to ring (a control issue).
Don't
ever assume you'll rescue a man from his insecurities or
self-loathing. If he doesn't feel worthy of admiration,
love and respect, you're not gonna change that for him--and he'll
think something's wrong with you, for trying! I never actually spoke
with Mr. Spago, but left him an office voicemail, saying
that this wasn't a fit for me, and I didn't care to pursue it. True
to Borderline nature, all his later messages were sorrowful, manipulative,
diminishing and shaming. I did not respond. And yes, I'd dodged
a bullet.
Any
man who can't/won't give you direct access, is either trying to
hide that he's already involved/married--or ashamed of his job.
Mr. Spago's excuse for not giving me his cell phone #,
was that his "clients" would be disturbed by these calls
while he was working--but he seemed fine with leaving his pager
number (eventually). Yeah, like I'm a moron--who hasn't any clue
about the vibration features on each. All I'm saying, is stay
alert. If something seems like
it makes no sense or it's kinda nuts--trust that it is.
This
also holds true for guys who try to put the ball in your
court for contact, or making plans. If he gets you
to be The Pursuer (and play the man's role), he's off the
hook for any future responsibility, if/when it doesn't work out;
after all dear lady, You came after him! Continue searching
for a Man whose testicles are bigger than yours.
See
the film, He's Just Not That Into You--and learn more about
males!
A
guy who doesn't at least ask for your number before he
offers his, is afraid of rejection, insecure or simply not
interested. He might reference this, as being sensitive
to/considerate of your privacy--but it's a ruse. When he just hands
you his business card or writes his phone on a cocktail napkin,
toss it into the trash on your way out of the joint. You'll be chasing
a boy, and this fairytale has no Happy
Ending.
*The
names in this piece have been changed to protect the guilty. If
you're a male who has spent time in my life, and you recognize yourself
within the body of this material, I sincerely thank you for your
unwitting contribution to this work. It's my hope that
it may light your path toward healing.
HOT
OFF THE PRESS:
IF
LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline
NEW!
THE
GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?
Many
of you have requested that I write about the male borderline, so
I've finally succumbed to peer pressure (which is rarer
than a full solar eclipse). My significant relationships have been
very loving and harmonious, and my romantic exposure to full-blown
borderline men has thankfully been limited. I have dated
several Narcissists for about three minutes who had BPD
traits, but I've side-stepped the rest. I think the real trick is,
when it begins to feel weird or wacky, it's a warning
of what's to follow, so get out while you can. These difficulties
do not get better "with time"--in fact, they
get a whole lot worse! You might benefit from my articles on borderline
females; change the gender, and you'll relate to much
of that material. I'm sorry, but lengthy
emails are not read, due to time constraints. Please
keep your queries brief and to the point, and expect a straight
answer. If you're wanting help with this issue, phone
sessions are available; just call (323) 936-3637 anytime.