BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY FORUM
www.GettinBetter.com
Borderline personality
traits can cause serious relationship difficulties. These
letters were originally posted to my advice Forum,
and I hope they'll be helpful to you. Avoid dangerous
entrapment; learn about borderline disordered females.
If your love relationship has abruptly ended, read this; AT
ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a
Borderline.
Is she a Waif?
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Q.
I genuinely believe that you saved my life today. I read your website
and was shocked and stunned by the similarities. My ex-girlfriend
was diagnosed as borderline about a year ago, but it seemed such
a minor thing that I never bothered to research it. Oh what
a fool I was! About three months ago she suddenly
dumped me, causing me massive personal pain, emotional torment
and no understanding of what had just happened. She completely blamed
me for the break-up saying that she didn't love me anymore and it
wasn't anything I had done, simply that she couldn't see me as someone
she loved. Two days before that, she had professed undying love
(we'd been engaged about 4 months before that). It's left me reeling--and
having recently lost my job, I'm also broke. She'd taken away my
entire support network by giving me such an intensity of love (infatuation?)
that I felt I no longer needed them emotionally. Suddenly she left
me with no one, and I was feeling destroyed--I couldn't even move
out. A few weeks ago the violence started; she attacked me with
a 15 inch kitchen knife one night, after a trivial argument. A few
days later she bit me, drawing blood. I had so little self-esteem
that I thought I *deserved* it, feeling I'd caused her aggression
in the first place. Reading your article completely opened my eyes.
I registered with a supportive BPD forum, where they really helped
me understand the dangers. I'd been feeling at great personal risk
anyway, but I didn't know what to do. Having now sought legal advice,
I am filing an injunction against her, and when she receives it
she will almost certainly kick me out of the flat--it's in her name
of course. She insisted I move in with her very early on in the
relationship--all the more control, under the guise that I'd get
away from a terribly expensive flat of my own, and we'd pool our
resources. The local authorities will re-house me at their expense,
because I'm "fleeing domestic violence." I've got a long
road ahead, but can see myself in a few months, wishing she was
still around. One of the most beautiful girls I have ever met in
my life, so young, so loving, so adoring. It was all a lie, and
it's going to take me time to recover, but with resources like yours,
I'm sure I'll eventually make it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
A.
I wish you the best.
Q.
My girlfriend's been pressuring me for a commitment. Our relationship
has been great on so many levels, I'm open to moving forward. We've
been talking about living together as the next step--but now
she's telling me she wants to date others! I'm very confused and
hurt by this, and don't know how to handle it. Why'd she need me
to commit, if she wanted to be with other men? I just don't get
it.
A.
It sounds like your girlfriend may have attachment issues. She's
wanted you closer--but as soon as you're more available, she apparently
needs to distance. She could have Borderline
Personality features, which means she's ambivalent about
real closeness/connection, and you should proceed with extreme
caution. Pay attention to any 'come here/go away' behaviors that
echo what you've described above; these issues are likely to intensify
during the course of this relationship.
Q.
I am so glad I found your website! I've been involved with a
BPD off and on now for about seven years, and found myself self-destructing
to the point that I have little or no motivation to be involved
with other women. After being divorced from a 23 year marriage,
I found myself living the best personal and professional life ever
for about 3 years--with no end in sight. When we met, I avoided
showing any outward attraction, even though the opposite was true.
I "ran" from her so to speak, but she kept showing up--until
next thing I knew, we were spending a lot of time together and in
3 months (against my better judgement) we got married. I could not
believe all the attention and adoration I received--I'd never felt
that way in my life and was overwhelmed with the rush of 'good luck'
I had in finding someone who loved me so much! She would say; "I
love you like my own child with all my heart--and we will never
ever be apart." The first two years were the best ever, and
then one day it seemed to start changing. Small things that initially
seemed to go away--but then the conflicts didn't make any sense
to me. Then she left me, and began an off and on again relationship.
When we got back together it would be great for a few months, and
then the cycle would repeat. She convinced me that it was my fault,
and all I had to do was change and everything would be great--although
what I gave up or changed was never enough! After separation and
divorce (four years ago) she began showing back up about every three
months, almost like she knew when I was getting
along just fine without her--I even broke up with a girl, to go
back to her. Anyway, can you tell me why she shows back up--and
even though I know better, I can't seem to say "no" to
her? I really want to move on, and get my self-confidence back.
I want a good relationship with someone new--but I feel damaged
and afraid to try again. Thank you.
A.
Borderlines simply do what borderlines
do. In the process, they reactivate early sense
memories and ego wounds from boyhood. These pleasurable and
painful sensations are remnants of early attachment difficulties
with Mother, which are seldom remembered--but leave you with impaired
self-esteem. My work with borderline battered men helps them overcome
their trauma and confusion, and heal; their ability to make healthier
relational choices is a by-product of this process. You've been
'shooting in the dark' emotionally for awhile, which has
trapped you in this frustrating cycle. Gaining insight about your
compulsive draw to this female, and building genuine self-confidence
is key to forming solid, gratifying attachments.
Q.
Dear Shari, I've read your piece on helping men with their relationships
with women who have borderline personality disorder, and I'm disgusted
with the language and misogyny in this article! As a healing professional,
you should know better, than to vilify BPD people by frightening
emotionally immature and ill-equipped men into seeking your counsel
to assist with their own ineptitude in managing adult relationships.
Being borderline is no fun at all! No one in their
right mind would choose BPD as a lifestyle option! It's just utterly
ludicrous that one with BPD could bring such chaos into the life
of another human being, without their complicit consent to these
actions. If these men you're helping can't walk away from what you
call, "a destructive relationship," then I think it's
not the Borderline who has the bigger problem, but your very frightened
male clients. As you state in your article, fellows jump in to these
relationships because they are seduced by alluring, sexy, intelligent
women. My goodness--what an almighty cop-out you've provided these
emotional cripples, who seemingly need you to assist them in building
strategies to 'cope' with women in their lives who are supposedly
so 'controlling.' You've got to be kidding! The real
threat here is men's inability to think outside their shorts, and
value women's inherent qualities--rather than objectifying them
for their sexual, sensual allure. And since when did being an intelligent,
funny, articulate, sexy and alluring woman become # 1 on the male
misogyny hit list? Oh no Ms. Shari, I think you are very
mistaken in your views, and sincerely hope that others
will see your prejudice and bias, which is obvious. You write for
the literacy of teenagers, because many who are attracted to your
views are simply grown men who continue to avoid adulthood. Let
me be more explicit: These men you dearly champion, are adolescents
in adult bodies--that is all. You might instead use your talents
and abilities (open to debate) for assisting people with borderline
personality, rather than vilifying them. I'm bringing your site
to the attention of the NHMRC, stigma watch. Regards, BPD
A.
Bring it on. I have in fact, worked with Borderlines and
helped them heal; these women were deeply committed to becoming
healthy and whole, rather than clinging to their victimhood.
Q.
Been in a marriage with an abusive borderline
for over twenty years; I'm making moves to get out, but kids and
financial worries are playing heavily on my mind. I'm a rescuer
type who became ensnarled into her web of push/pull emotional gymnastics
right after losing a previous girlfriend in a car crash. Looking
back, I'm pretty sure she orchestrated my first child's 'conception,'
because I was ready to leave. She's intelligent, pretty etc., but
the lies, manipulation, violent behaviour and years of brainwashing
have left their mark on me. My self-esteem is pretty low right now,
and I have no friends or family for support (she's managed to surgically
pare away any competing emotional attachments). I've been suffering
from depression--and apparently, this is a pretty common symptom
of staying in an abusive relationship. I know that she may respond
to my leaving with violence--but leaving her is a risk I am willing
to take (I have had guns pointed at me, been hit with a guitar,
had threats to be poisoned or smothered in my sleep, etc.). Thanks
for exposing this issue for what it is, and also for ignoring the
political gender bias intrinsic to marital abuse issues. Reading
the accounts of other men in my situation is really helpful to me,
and makes me feel a little less isolated. PS: please don't respond
by e-mail, as she reads it. (no surprise here, I'm sure).
A.
Your request is being honored. Thanks for your very valuable
contribution.
Q.
Are Borderlines capable of intimacy?
A.
Intimacy is possible--but sustaining it isn't.
There are times that you'll feel a deep bond or sense of connection
with a Borderline, which is partly why they're so compelling!
Unfortunately, the closer you get, the more attachment anxiety
they experience--which triggers their need to distance. This raises
your frustration and confusion, because the emotional ground keeps
shifting (like a series of little earthquakes). It's normal/natural
for you to begin guarding your emotions to feel safer,
which makes them act-out even more--but this cycle will repeat despite
your actions.
Q.
Any advice on dating a man who's been destroyed by women with
BPD?
I've been seeing a man for 8 months but can't get close to him,
because everything I say or do seems manipulative, controlling or
psychotic. I'm in therapy so it doesn't drive me absolutely crazy
and I start to believe it. It takes a toll on my self-worth after
while. This is a LONG horrible process. The ex-girlfriend didn't
even stop harassing us until 3 months ago, and she still tries to
make contact. Please help if you can.
A.
Honey, a love relationship is supposed to be enhancing
to your life! What makes you want to be with someone
who's so untrusting and damaged, you can't get close to
him? I'm pretty certain this article will have meaning and value
for you; www.GettinBetter.com/needlove.html.
Make sure you read the final paragraph!
Q.
If a borderline's issues are mostly related to rejection and
abandonment, then why wouldn't the behaviors mitigate--or at least
get better, once she'd gotten the next guy (rebound relationship)
to actually marry her? Wouldn't his committing
to her in this way, allay these abandonment fears?
A.
The Borderline psyche is extremely intricate and fragile; attachment
is terrifying, because it means having to be vulnerable, and surrender
control. They want you close, but not too close--hence,
their come here, go away behavior. It's only after they
perceive you as their 'emotional mainstay,' that the distancing
and/or abusing behaviors begin. This could take some time, but it
typically starts after an episode of special closeness or connection,
after marriage, after pregnancy occurs, after the first baby arrives,
etc.
Q.
My borderline ex-girlfriend lives out of state, but won't leave
me alone! She keeps calling, text messaging and emailing me. I've
been ignoring these until a few days ago, when she left a voicemail
saying she was "worried" about me, and needed to know
if I'm okay. I sent a brief email saying that I was fine--which
seems to have set off a flurry of new calls. If she's really concerned
about me, why'd she throw me away--and immediately hook up with
another guy?!
A.
This is typical Borderline Personality behavor. Be thankful that
you've only been cyber-stalked, as Borderlines can show
up unexpectedly at your work or home. Continue to disregard these
efforts to engage you. As you've noticed, hitting the ball back
across this net, only fuels her hopes that she can lure you back
again, when it suits her. This recent call of 'concern' was about
her needs, not yours. This attention may feel flattering/comforting--but
it's also tormenting, which prevents you from healing and
moving on. Send one last email if you wish, asking her not to contact
you again. She'll have difficulty respecting this boundary, but
you'll at least have let her know where you stand. Eventually,
she'll tire of trying to get your attention, and may use some dramatic
tactics beforehand, but don't give into them. No
response is usually the best.
Q.
Shari, why are personality disordered people more prone to having
affairs or cheating on their partners?
A.
There's an old saying within the psychological community; "A
three legged table is more stable than a two legged one." It's
tough to maintain healthy intimacy or relational stability
with people who are personality disordered. Borderline and narcissistic
individuals fear attachment/closeness; they may try to manage this
concern with triangulation--which means that a behavior,
substance or another person is used to distract from any
difficult feelings the primary relationship invokes. Diversions
often take the form of working longer hours, abusing alcohol/drugs/food,
getting a new pet, bringing a baby into their dynamic or
having affairs. Essentially, anything that diverts focus from the
couple's connection, eases tension and attachment anxiety.
Q.
I've (apparently) been dating a (waif) Borderline.
After noticing some troubling inconsistencies in her behaviors and
doing internet research to understand them, I came across your pages.
Your descriptions are incredibly astute--and it's eerie that you've
nailed (with such accuracy), how I've been feeling in this relationship!
This validation has helped me tremendously, but being a "rescuer"
type, I don't want to give up on this woman just yet. Does it make
sense to stay, and attempt to work through our various difficulties?
A.
Dear Sir, this depends on your threshold for emotional
pain, turmoil and frustration. Here's my sense of these things;
as long as this prize is worth the price you're paying
to remain, you'll probably stick around. Just be aware that you're
consciously choosing to be with someone who's highly unstable;
it tends to be contagious!
Q.
Shari, your articles are so helpful! I've recently ended my
relationship with a Borderline female. I'm beginning to regain my
balance--but I still miss her, and keep wondering if I've made a
terrible mistake. She has continued to make me feel like this failure
was all my fault--and if I'd loved her "a
little better" (which meant marrying her), we'd still be together.
This is really haunting me, and my greatest fear (and torment) is
that she's right, and I've too easily given up on something that
had great value to me. Help!
A.
Every man who has consulted me after his involvement with a Borderline
expresses exactly what you have here, which is
why this issue's discussed in my article.
Borderlines cannot hold or retain loving gestures. Think of a drinking
well that has a huge fracture at the bottom; you keep pouring
water in, but the well never fills up. Shame is the Borderline's
primary emotional state; when she berates you for not giving, doing
or being enough, she's projecting her own shame onto you,
and making you feel what she's lived with her entire life.
At a core level, Borderlines feel unworthy of being loved;
the more you demonstrate affection and caring, the less they respect
you. Rejecting you eases their terror surrounding attachment and
abandonment, and helps them maintain a sense of emotional safety.
Marrying this kind of woman usually exacerbates this terror,
and invites more acting-out behavior. Even if you'd loved her "better"
(in her mind), this relationship would've had precisely
the same outcome.
Q.
Can Borderlines ever be healed?
A.
Yes, some can. Within a nurturing, supportive/safe, long-term therapeutic
alliance, borderline disordered people can begin trusting
another with their care. In my view, this requires considerable
re-parenting work, which is best accomplished with a therapist who
has deep compassion and understanding of core trauma, and the emotional
scars (and defenses) that remain. With patience and time,
these clients develop a stronger foundation/core, which enables
trust in themselves and their ability to form healthier
attachments.
Q.
My boyfriend just sent me your article on Borderlines,
and I'm shocked by your insensitivity and lack
of professionalism! This is a very serious disorder, and if you'd
done any worthwhile research on this topic (which you obviously
haven't), you'd understand how difficult it is to live with. Your
article's garbage diagnosis makes borderline women sound like monsters!
Do you have any idea how harmful and destructive this is to someone
who actually suffers with it? I think you're being incredibly irresponsible,
when you give men ammunition to shirk their responsibilities for
an unwanted pregnancy, by assuming that their partners are borderline
disordered. With so much information on the web about BPD, I'd think
you would educate yourself before publishing such
trash!
A.
No comment.
Q.
Dear Shari, just had to drop you a line to say how much I appreciated
reading your article in regards to a relationship with a borderline
woman. I felt as if my own story had been told with such clarity,
and it was comforting to realize that I'm far from alone in this
situation. It's truly something one has to experience in order to
believe--and perhaps that's where it often gets difficult to handle,
as others really can't appreciate the reality we're forced to confront.
Keep up the great work. D. Winnipeg Canada
A.
I'm pleased the article was helpful, and your feedback is appreciated.
My work feels especially worthwhile, when men like you relate to
this material, and discover they're not alone in their struggle.
Q.
Wow. You just changed my life. As my Borderline Personality
Disordered wife of 12 years (1st child out of wedlock) picked up
speed (behaviors became more severe) I could only take notes on
her patterns, because I was shocked and couldn't understand them.
Typing in my palm pilot distracted me from the pain and helped me
vent. Then I noticed a pattern in what I was observing,
and I researched it on the internet. The psychologist who counseled
us as a couple said: "Yeah, she's a borderline--I knew that
a long time ago." I believe he thought I wasn't ready to hear
it, or I'd ruin everything by telling my wife. Forums on the internet
have helped me cope, and explain to my 12 and 5 year olds how to
avoid conflicts and explosions. Well really, it can't be avoided
I guess. I really feel that you have wisdom beyond everything I
have seen on the borderline personality. Just reading your descriptions,
I could feel your soul. I am desperate and don't know what to do.
My wife is 48 and I am 36. I was fooled. I am stuck. I feel I'll
never enjoy my life, and that any other lady I would try to marry,
this one will torture too! I am concerned about my kids,
and I don't know what the hell to do. At the same time, I am not
sure I'm ready to do whatever it is, that needs to be done. I am
still naive, and a prisoner with my two children. The encouragement
from your web pages may push me on to a higher level. So, so scary.
A. Your letter is heartbreaking, like dozens of others I've received
concerning this issue. I've been re-editing and expanding the Borderline
piece, and these changes have been posted. I'm so sorry for your
difficulty, but what you must remember, is that
you have options--even though it feels (right now) like
you don't. We should talk.
Q.
Is it true, that all Borderlines lacked a connection
with their mother?
A. No. What's true, is that a healthy/sound connection
wasn't possible. A Borderline's relationship with his/her mother
can be enmeshed, if the child wasn't allowed to separate/individuate
successfully. Borderline disordered women might intentionally
conceive, in order to compensate for childhood abandonment
trauma; their (misguided) fantasy that a baby will love them unconditionally
and never leave, is met with disappointment and rage once
he/she starts to develop, form peer relationships and discover their
own separate interests. In the 2005 movie Loverboy,
Kyra Sedgwick gives us a terrific performance, as an enmeshed Borderline
mother. She's smothering, controlling and seductive; she continually
over-inflates her child's ego, to defend against her own deficits/shortcomings.
These types of mothers are emotionally incestuous--which keeps their
children entwined, dependent and ambivalent/confused about appropriate
emotional boundaries. The daughter of a woman with borderline traits
may think of her mom as her best friend. If she
"shares everything" with her mother, she may
not have been able to acquire an autonomous sense of Self, which
undermines adult attachments. Enmeshment issues are common
with women who've given birth too young, particularly when addictions
are/were present. Basically, their kids grow up having to 'parent'
the mother, and miss out on being parented. Having been
prematurely inducted into adulthood, they've skipped the normal
stages of their development, which has them drawn to codependent
relationships and addiction issues of their own.
Q.
I've been unable to find an answer to this question, so I'm
hoping that you can help. My fiance is divorced from a woman with
Borderline Personality Disorder. They have two daughters (8 and
12). Unfortunately, since he's in the military she has primary physical
custody, and she's chosen to live on a different continent. Her
borderline acting-out behaviors include refusing him visitation
periods with the kids, and parental alienation. He's been to court
to address these problems with some success on the visitation issues
(limited by her subsequent behaviors) but little success on the
alienation. Neither his ex-wife nor the kids know about me. In light
of our research on BPD
and the tremendous problems his ex has caused with the kids, we
chose not to fuel the situation by telling her of my existence until
it was necessary. Given the distance between him and the kids, this
has not been a problem. The one time my fiance got visitation, I
stayed out of sight. We plan to be married next spring, and neither
of us find it acceptable that I should move out while the kids visit
for two months in the summer. My question is, what is the best way
to tell everyone? Everything I've read says to tell an ex about
a new spouse, so they can help prepare the kids. However, I have
also read that (all) ex's have difficulties when their former spouses
remarry, and that borderlines escalate these difficulties to massive
proportions. Given her past behavior, I'm sure his ex will refuse
him visitation this summer, and escalate the alienation to unfathomable
new heights, if she's informed of me before the kids arrive. On
the other hand, I think it would be really hard on the kids to meet
me for the first time as their new stepmom, who they'll have to
cohabitate with for the next two months! Forgetting everyone else's
desires and well-being in this equation - what would be best for
the kids?
A.
You are very right to be concerned about how these kids
will react to this news. Your fiance should initially pick up his
daughters by himself when they arrive, and broach this
topic as sensitively as possible. This can occur during a stop-off
for some refreshments, as they're traveling on their way back to
your home. It's important that you think of yourself as your husband's
new wife, as opposed to the children's "new
stepmom." This will help diffuse the situation in your own
mind, and allow for a healthier getting acquainted period
with the girls. Be authentic and kind with them, and they'll probably
come to trust and like you. It appears they'll be having to adjust
to being with two strangers, so your understanding
and empathy are critical here. There's little that's more
comforting for children to observe, than a warm, loving relationship
between two adults--especially when they're accustomed
to living in a war zone.
Q.
My mother is very difficult to approach when something's bothering
me about our relationship--she becomes defensive, angry or sad,
and shuts down. Sometimes, she won't speak to me for weeks at a
time, and other times she criticizes me on how ("poorly")
I run my life. The result is, I always feel guilty/bad
about upsetting her, and we can never seem to work through any problems.
I love my mom, but I've learned that maintaining some distance feels
safer/better for me. At times, she'll want to know what's going
on in my life, but I've become very cautious about what I tell her.
I'm usually sorry for having opened up, so I guess I've learned
not to. I'd really like us to be closer, but don't know how to go
about this. Any thoughts?
A.
Your mom's reactions sound consistent with parents who have narcissistic
and/or borderline traits. When you approach something she perceives
to be a criticism, it may trigger a shame response,
due to unresolved wounds from her childhood. In a sense, you've
unwittingly stepped on an old (but active) land
mine, which actually has very little to do with you! A
couple of things usually occur when this happens: 1) She'll tend
to react the same way her mother did,
which made her fear
and avoid open/honest dialogue. 2) These painful
feelings that are left over from her childhood will be
directed toward you, instead of where they belong!
This can make you feel like you're walking
on eggshells in this relationship, which always derails
closeness and intimacy. Convey to her what you've shared with me.
Handle this directly or in a note if necessary, and allow that she
might have strong feelings about it. However she responds
or reacts, you may choose to take it in, but do not take it
on; in other words, stay with your feelings.
If there's no response to your communication, you could
try again--but you may ultimately have to come to terms with these
limitations. In any case, solid therapeutic support can be very
helpful with these issues.
Q.
Hello Shari, I found your article on Borderline Personality
Disorder through the link you sent with recent comments on Glenn
Sacks' blog. The information you share on that page is absolutely
fantastic! For years, I've heard men on our helpline
describe these behaviors and characteristics in the women they're
living with or have separated from, and it would be helpful to our
website visitors to read your article. Would you allow us to link
to it on our website? Here is the url: www.dahmw.org.
Jan Brown, Founder and Executive Director, Domestic Abuse Helpline
for Men & Women 888-7HELPLINE (888-743-5754).
A.
Absolutely! A close (male) friend once said; "when
a woman hits a man, she's playing a man's game, and men
react instinctively to violence." This is
not to excuse or condone violence to
women, but far too many males have been physically and
emotionally abused by
personality disordered women, who lack impulse control,
and any sense of boundaries.
Q.
Shari, do borderlines easily detach from relationships?
Your article seems to indicate otherwise.
A.
Emotional cut-off is one of the common characteristics of this personality
disorder. Generally, your relationship with a borderline feels either
engulfing or abandoning, and this keeps shifting. At times,
they may be very clingy and needy--and other times, they're rejecting,
detached or indifferent. Borderlines can leave relationships (of
any kind) abruptly. Essentially, their
terror surrounding abandonment may prompt them to leave
you, before you can do it to them. Some never attempt further
contact--but many try to reconnect with former romances; the reasons
for this are detailed here.
Q.
I've read your article on Borderlines (several times), but I'm
still confused about why men stay with these women,
despite the conflicts and difficulties they face. Are they masochistic
or something?
A.
Borderlines can be irresistibly attractive, seductive/alluring
and engaging. Men find them compelling, but an emotionally sound
man tends to recognize an unhealthy dynamic pretty quickly, and
(despite temptations to remain) can disengage and move
on. A man with narcissistic traits views this "extraordinary"
lover as a perfect reflection of himself and his worth.
His grandiose nature makes him think he can "fix" the
problems, and/or rescue this woman from her troubles. This attitude
might be based on former romances with healthier (or more malleable)
women, who didn't present such frustrating challenges. Falsely confident
that deficits or difficulties with this woman can also
be rectified, he continues striving for that which cannot be achieved
(you can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional
person). Furthermore, he's able to side-step his own attachment/engulfment
fears by pursuing someone who's equally afraid of getting
too close. His compulsion to stay and change
his beloved, stems from early childhood.
This is very common among males who derived their sense of self-worth
and empowerment by taking on a mediating, fixing or rescuing role
within their family of origin.
Q.
In some of your writings, you mention the "Borderline Waif."
I never knew there were several types of Borderlines! How is the
'waif' different from other (abusive) types described in books like,
Mommy Dearest?
A.
The Borderline Waif seldom (if ever) exhibits the harsh or volatile
traits we've come to associate with other types, which is often
why this disorder is overlooked by therapists. Waifs appear needful,
fragile and victimized by life circumstances and relationships,
and you could feel compelled to rescue them from their troubles!
How Borderline Waifs interpret their difficulties can actually
perpetuate their struggle, like believing they've fallen prey to
a sort of karmic retribution; "I must have done something
really bad in a past life, to deserve this!" When relationships
fail, it's always considered the other's fault. The
Waif mother makes her children feel responsible for her
survival, well-being and mood. If Waifs engage therapeutic
support, it's typically in the midst of a crisis; given they're
inherently resistant to change or growth (which threatens their
sense of control), their progress in therapy tends to be slow, and
there are frequent setbacks and regressions. Helplessness
is the Waif's core theme, so choices and options that are healthier
or more productive, are frequently avoided. Maybe you've had a friend
or lover who's always struggling with one drama or another, and
you've repeatedly offered sound suggestions and tried to help--but
to no avail. Basically, when you throw a life preserver to a Waif,
he/she ignores or disregards it (throws it back), or resents the
gesture. Christine Lawson's book, Understanding The
Borderline Mother is the best source
of information I've seen on this topic.
Q.
Hi Shari - I've read some of your website content, and was drawn
to the piece on Borderline women (the more p/c phrasing being, women
with borderline personality traits or disorder). I wonder if you
have anything written about men who have BPD? Your
other topics seem well balanced and all-encompassing while this
piece just feels somewhat one-sided and emotionally
charged (for lack of better words). I wonder if you've had personal
experience in this realm and are therefore touching only on the
female manifestation of this disorder, or some very specific 'possible'
attributes of a woman with BPD. You've not included any of the main
symptoms from the DSM-V, which I also find a little
disturbing, as most people reading this might think that you must
be an expert--so if some of these scenarios have occurred in their
lives, their wife or partner must have BPD! I feel you're doing
a disservice by including such a slanted and one-sided viewpoint
of a very pervasive phenomena.
A.
This issue is far more "pervasive" among females than
males, because of childhood experiences detailed in my article.
Included within the body of my text on Borderlines, is
DSM-IV symptomology (the "DSM-V" is not
slated for publication until 2011). This piece is
"slanted," which is fully intended; its purpose is to
educate and caution men about the dangers of entrapment
by conception--hence the title, "BLACKMAILED
INTO FATHERHOOD." It is not designed to be a catch-all
for borderline pathology (I'm sure others have managed to do that
already). Males tend to process information differently than females,
and a direct/straightforward approach is generally more effective
than beating around the bush (you should pardon the expression),
particularly when infatuation inhibits
capacity for rational thought. Having witnessed BPD in both
genders, I've been working on a piece that illustrates how it presents
in males--but it seems you may have overlooked my reference to this.
The most typical experiences that men have shared with me about
borderline disordered women (including their mothers),
are highlighted in my article. There may be those who are too timid/ambivalent
to go out on a limb for what they believe--but I'll gladly risk
criticisms or projections to take a stand, as this is surely
not a popularity contest. I'm simply gratified by the knowledge
that there's a substantial number of men who've benefited from this
material, and that's good enough for me.
Q.
Hi Shari, I loved your online article about how women with Borderline
Personality Disorder will force a man into being the father of a
child he doesn't want. This very thing happened to me in 1989, but
I didn't know that the woman had a borderline problem or that she
"tricked me" in order to become pregnant, because she
was terrified of abandonment. In fact, I didn't start putting the
pieces together until the mid 1990's. She did vilify
me in the mind of my daughter, whom I love and have actually raised
since 2001, after social services took her away from her mother
and (without my knowledge) put her in foster care. This woman has
had me jailed several times with horrendous, character-crushing
lies (of course she drops the charges as soon as she sees that she's
alienated herself), and destroyed my business--I had an income of
$3,000 per week in 1992. I still have the letter she wrote, telling
me she was going to ruin my business "and your good name,"
and by god, she did it! She's extremely smart, holds a degree in
mathematics, and fits your Borderline
profile precisely. My question: How can I help bring this problem
of "forced fatherhood" to the attention of legislators?
Will we ever have a chance against such criminal women? I think
it's an outrage (I am outraged!), and it seems
that in our allegedly "enlightened times," lawmakers would
try to put a stop to what is clearly felonious behavior. Also, do
you think there's anything I can do with that letter she wrote threatening
to ruin me, my business and my good name? It's in her handwriting,
she cannot deny writing it, and her obvious purpose is revenge
(because I wouldn't marry her)! I know it's too late to take legal
action, but couldn't I post the letter somewhere--like on a website?
There's NOTHING I'd like more, than to show the people of my small
town what this woman did to me. LW
A.
Dear Sir, explore whether the editor of your town's local paper
will print your story in relation to my article (they can
contact me for a release). Email or send a copy of your letter (and
perhaps hers) to any/all government legislators you think
should become more aware of this problem--and feel free
to reference my piece on this topic. There are various other sites
on the internet that are sensitive to this issue--here's another;
www.dahmw.org. While your outrage
is completely understandable, it seems you'd benefit from
(safely) discharging some of your anger with physical exertion;
running, handball or batting practice, whacking your mattress with
a belt or bat, etc.
Q.
Shari, I'm dating a man who's very moody, and I'm thinking he
must have a bi-polar problem. Sometimes he's real sweet and loving
to me, and other times he's critical, (verbally) abusive and cold.
This shift in him is so unpredictable, I've gotten to the point
where I'm not sure who will show up at my door
when we go out. I've tried asking him what's wrong when he's in
one of his mean moods--but it never does any good, and it's painful
for me. I'm usually crying by the end of these dates, but then the
next time I hear from him, he'll be all sweet again, and acting
like nothing happened! I want him to get help for this problem,
but I'm a little scared of his reaction if I suggest it. What do
you recommend?
A.
Sounds less like a bipolar issue than a Borderline
Personality problem, which (in men) is characterized
by a Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde split in demeanor
and temperament. When he perceives you're getting too close (or
he is) he pushes you away with coldness or abuse; as soon
as his attachment anxiety subsides, he comes closer again. You haven't
mentioned how long you've been dating, but this trouble usually
starts when a Borderline senses he/she has won you over
(or married you)! Gently approach this
topic when he's being more loving, and let him know how hurtful
and emotionally dangerous it feels when he's the opposite.
Ask if he's aware of these shifts in himself, and how much they
impact your relationship. This seems more a psychotherapeutic issue
than a medical one, but there could also be a chemical imbalance.
Bottom line, pursuing this involvement could be even more
painful and damaging, and you should seriously consider your options.
Q.
Shari, in your article about borderlines, you say; "Borderline
women are typically attracted to narcissistic men, and vice-versa."
I need to know more about why this happens (if it really does).
Is it that people with personality disorders somehow just gravitate
to each other?
A.
Both borderlines and narcissists are afraid of closeness and attachment.
Psychoanalytic theory suggests this is prompted by experiences in
the first year of life, when trust should be established
within the mother/infant bond. When this doesn't occur, one grows
up with considerable ambivalence about getting close to another,
because it feels emotionally threatening. People with Borderline
or Narcissistic Personality Disorders are poorly equipped to handle
real intimacy, which involves allowing oneself to need,
and (therefore) feel vulnerable--hence, 'unavailable' partners
(or those we cannot fully love) are consistently chosen, to avert
abandonment concerns. Popular television series like Desperate
Housewives and Grey's Anatomy perfectly
illustrate this issue. Did you catch the 2007 season's final
episode of Grey's? Derek (Dr. McDreamy) openly declares
himself to Meredith, hoping she'll (finally) stop running away;
he tells her she's the love of his life and says, "I'm
in this!" She deflects his
pronouncements with chatter about helping Cristina get married (and
we saw how that went). Izzie's declared
she's "in love" with poor George, because she
can't have him (it's safe!), and have you noticed that
the more he clings to his marriage and separates from
Izzie, the more she pursues him?
Typical borderline
reaction! These story lines make for tantalizing TV; we stay fascinated
week to week, because we're hoping our beloved characters will make
solid/lasting connections--but of course, they never do! Alas, art
imitates life. As for the 2008 two-hour Grey's finale, it was
apparent that Alex's Rebecca had borderline issues, when she showed
up "pregnant." His intense rescuing compulsions were subconsciously
driven by unresolved abandonment concerns from childhood (his mother
likely had Borderline traits as well). Since (as a kid)
he couldn't save Mom, his reflexive need to 'normalize' Rebecca's
symptoms and save her, were practically inevitable.
These shows are entertaining and I'm a big fan, but watching them
is often like reading a clinical primer on personality
disorders. As for the Borderline/Narcissist attraction, here's an
excerpt from my article: A
borderline disordered female has the remarkable ability to perfectly
mirror her partner's attributes (and fuel his grandiosity),
without invoking his engulfment
fears. Her alternate loving/rejecting patterns of relating allow
him to come close (but not too close), and nearly
always leave him wanting more; this of course, gratifies
her need to manipulate his desire, and accommodates his
need to maintain 'safe' emotional proximity.
Q.
Is it true that Borderlines try to seduce their therapists?
A.
Yes some try, and this is their defense against feelings of vulnerability.
Borderlines and Narcissists generally need to manipulate and control
their relationships, and the therapeutic dyad is just another place
this plays out. Abandonment and trust issues prompt fear surrounding
attachment/intimacy, which is echoed in their resistance to feeling
reliant on the therapist. Either personality type may try
to "seduce" the therapist into liking them/finding them
compelling, as (in their minds) this balances the playing field;
"If I can get you to really like me, or regard me as a
friend (or lover), I must be okay, and not need your help!"
If the therapist is incapable of setting firm enough boundaries
and allows the seduction, he/she is permitting the client
to have the upper hand in their relationship. At that point, the
question begs to be asked; who's paying whom--and for what, exactly??
Q.
Thanks for your recent "newztip," Shari. I found it
hard to imagine that I would identify with Alec
Baldwin's vicious outburst--but my elder son is 9, and given another
two years with him 5,000 miles away, it's hard to say where our
conversations will go! Alec has given me and, I suppose, many fathers
an important warning - as have your e-mails and articles.
A.
Glad to be of help! Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a heartbreaking issue, and
no parent should be denied a loving connection with his/her
child. A man's feelings of loss and sorrow at being amputated out
of his child's life, are nothing short of excruciating
for him. The rage that's prompted by such
abuse, is in direct proportion to the level of pain and frustration
that underlies it! I'm personally looking forward to the day when
men start taking an offensive (rather than defensive) position,
and counter sue for damages.
Q.
Shari, your article on borderline women has been very
illuminating. It's really helped me understand why
certain (past) relationships were so difficult! I've been re-reading
this piece lately in reference to a current media event, and not
only has it changed my perspective on the situation, I can totally
identify with it! Thank you for this--but why does the article seem
different than before, or stuff seems moved around since I last
read it?
A.
I'm glad you've found this piece helpful, and that you've
asked about this issue. I'm a perfectionist of sorts (it's one of
my tragic flaws). I've recently expanded the
borderline article, but my continuing challenge
is fitting new elements into exisiting pieces in such a way that
the information still flows, and remains cohesive. I do my best,
but sometimes during a re-read, I'll decide that a paragraph should
be placed somewhere else, or a thought should be made clearer/easier
to assimilate. Online publishing (thankfully) makes this
possible, so the material can grow, rather than remain stagnant.
Your confusion over this is completely warranted. Sorry
'bout that!
Q. Hi
Shari, I have heard or read somewhere, that when faced with a dramatic
abandoment in their 40's, borderlines usually realize that there's
something wrong with them, and seek treatment--or does some kind
of latent ego maturity wake them up? Is there any hope for these
sad people, or do we really have to give up?? I'm currently going
out with one who has tried to tell me (in a roundabout way) that
she's not "all there." She's very intelligent, but I wonder.
I'd appreciate your views on this.
A. Borderlines
carry significant abandonment wounds from infancy and early childhood
that undermined their sense of Self, and they've built powerful
defenses that have helped them survive those early traumas.
These defenses generally become more entrenched with age. Any "dramatic"
event in adulthood might motivate a Borderline or Narcissist
to seek therapeutic assistance--but once the crisis
has passed, they seldom remain for the work that involves growth
or healing. Their terror surrounding dependency and closeness, keeps
them from engaging a therapist who can help them gain authentic
ego strength and form healthy adult attachments. It's always a good
rule of thumb to pay close attention to what people say
(about themselves), as well as trusting your own perceptions and
instincts!
Q.
I've been in a very conflictual relationship for about a year.
I love this woman, but it seems like no matter what I do for her,
she's never happy. We sometimes have wonderful, close times together
that feel great--but then she gets mad about something that seems
very minor, and we're fighting again! I'm exhausted by these conflicts
and have suggested going our separate ways, but she cries hysterically,
and says she wouldn't want to "go on living" without me.
This part's pretty scary. I really want to make this relationship
work, but I think I've probably been going about it all wrong. Can
you recommend some books that'll help me get on track?
A.
You cannot make another person "happy," and it's
not your responsibility! A functional relationship requires
two people who are actively committed to making
it work. In this one, it looks like you're damned if
you do (stay) and damned if you don't. Under the
circumstances, it seems your girlfriend's thinly veiled suicide
threats are intended to manipulate your feelings and behavior; this
is emotional blackmail. Couple's counseling might help,
but despite your good intentions, I think you could have difficulty
changing this relationship dynamic. You'll find useful
information/insights in this article
that can help you make more sense of these experiences, and determine
your next course of action.
Q.
I am a man "caught in the clutches of a borderline
disordered female."
This is my second relationship like this. I had gotten over a marriage,
and fell right back into the same type of relationship. Your description;
"He'll come to think of her like a drug he can't live
without, because he feels alive and buoyant when she's loving, attentive
and available, and empty and tortured when she's cruel and detached"
fits me perfectly. How can I seek help with this situation? I am
50 years old, she is 40. I've become emotionally dependent on her,
and have realized that I'm being used financially.
A. Dear Sir, 'dependency' on someone means they're supplying something
that you don't already have, or cannot supply for yourself. When
this woman comes closer, you're able to feel lovable/worthy--but
when she retreats, you virtually cease to exist; no connection to
your Self, no way to access joy or pleasure, and no self-esteem.
This serious matter is left over from your childhood and requires
solid professional help, as underneath your pattern of
attraction, are abandonment
and self-worth issues. To understand the depth of this
problem and resolve it, find a therapist who works with
core issues. This female you're involved with is
not the source of your pain, she just
keeps pulling the scabs off some very old, deep wounds that have
never had opportunity to heal.
Q.
Shari, for the past few weeks I've been dating a wonderful
man I met through a girlfriend, and he's amazing; handsome, romantic,
thoughtful, generous, the works! But all of a sudden, things feel
different. He's stopped calling me every day, and this past weekend,
I didn't even see him! I tried calling his cell phone a number of
times to find out if we were getting together, or if something terrible
had happened to him. No response. I'm worried, upset and confused.
I keep wondering if I've done something that has made him distance,
and it's killing me! Help!
A.
First, this is not your fault (and your girlfriend
may be able to fill in the blanks on his romantic history). Unless
your man is lying unconscious in a hospital bed somewhere, sounds
like you've met a Casanova; this man is highly
skilled at seducing women, but may (secretly) distrust/despise them.
Passive-aggressive
behavior is typical for this kind of male, as his sense
of self-worth is underdeveloped and fragile. Casanova's the male
version of Borderline Personality; he's addicted to seducing, as
it gratifies his ego and fuels his narcissism. He's incapable of
sustaining interest, or connecting more deeply. Once he's aware
of your surrender, he'll start feeling like you're getting too close
(or he is), which triggers his need to distance
emotionally and/or physically. It's tough to be with a guy like
this, as his issues run much deeper than you could hope
to rectify. After awhile, he may try to re-engage you, when he senses
you've cooled down and it's 'safe' to return for more.
Unfortunately, this is more about his
pathological need to fortify his self-image and seduce,
than about missing you. Your pain is devastating,
and I'm sorry. But next time, try and remember; when
a guy sweeps you off your feet, he may not
be strong enough to keep from
dropping you!
Q.
Dear Dr. Schreiber, I found your article (DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED,
OR NEED TO BE LOVED?) interesting. While recovering from a head
injury during a vulnerable time in my life, I became involved with
an abusive woman. I was in a wheelchair or using
a walker for part of this time, and needed assistance with transportation
and daily living--some of which she provided, but at a horrible
price. Once a month she'd explode violently and either throw me
out of her apartment, leave me on the side of the road, or in some
way tear me down by saying "you're a bum, no woman would ever
want you" or "you're undate-able." She was addicted
to internet dating during our relationship, and slept with many
strangers without protection, caught an STD, got into a car wreck
and let her life fall apart when we separated for a few months last
summer. Of course, I was there to repair the damage--even
dragging her to the doctor for treatment of the STD. I did have
one condition; that she seek mental health care. The relationship
ended when she brutally beat and stabbed me, after I explained I
could not continue seeing her until she was in a theraputic setting
(advice I received from a local psychologist after discussing my
situation). My question is simple; do men who are "Mr.
fix it" types tend to repeat the same mistake by getting
into relationships with women who are verbally, physically or emotionally
abusive? If so, do they also try and fix any problems the abuser
has (regardless of the cost) i.e. bailing them out of jail after
a domestic violence incident where she beat him?
Is this all my fault?
A.
Dear Sir, rescuing tendencies and tolerance for abuse are related
issues; both are tied to not feeling intrinsically
worthy and lovable. Our romantic choices are directly influenced
by our early relational experiences with our parents; we subconsciously
gravitate to what feels familiar or
like "coming home," regardless of whether
those experiences were pleasurable or painful.
Without having been exposed to some kind of childhood abuse
or neglect, you would not be drawn to these kinds of individuals,
or be able/willing to tolerate being there for any
length of time. My article speaks to the issues underlying
these compulsions. It is not your fault
that you were abused by this woman, but it seems these elements
are very much alive in you, and likely to repeat. My piece
on borderline
disordered women may provide you with considerably more
insight, and a therapist who treats core trauma would
be very helpful. I'm not a "doctor," but thanks anyway.
[More letters like this are archived here.]
Q.
I am very impressed with your article on borderline
women and men who love them. I was recently with a woman
who's (apparently) a Borderline, and you could not be more
exact on the description! I'm deeply in love with her and
talk to her still. After I fell head over heels with her I learned
of this problem, and I thought I could help her. I devoted everything
to helping her, but she doesn't believe she has a problem. I fully
realize this doesn't help with my (bipolar) issues at all. I know
enough about all this to know better, but...! Even after meeting
another (wonderful) woman, as your article says; I am addicted
to my ex like a bad drug!
A.
Loving a Borderline is an emotional roller coaster
ride, even without a mood disorder! I suspect that trying
to fix your ex-girlfriend's problems gave you temporary relief from
issues that plague you. Fixing another's problems
can give us a sense of empowerment, especially
when we're feeling impotent about resolving
our own; the need to escape
your inner pain or emptiness can drive
the "addictive" part of this attraction. Your compulsions
to help/fix this woman are influenced by early dynamics with your
mother (her needs very likely took precedence over yours).
Bipolar Disorder
can be caused by deficits in nurturant care/attention during
infancy. You could have grown up confusing painful
yearning (for closeness) with loving,
and now believe; "if
it doesn't HURT, it must not be Love!" This is where
the deepest aspect of your pain resides, and it would greatly
serve you to explore this issue therapeutically. Depression is never
"just a chemical imbalance."
Q.
Dear Shari, I'm currently serving in the USAF overseas in Portugal.
I've been married for 5 years and have three little girls. I'm currently
going through a horrible time--my wife left with
our youngest baby about 8 weeks ago, and left our other 2 girls
with me. I am in a custody battle that I think I can win. My wife
has agreed to my terms, as she's giving me the girls during the
school year, and she gets them Christmas and summer. What's funny
though, is I try to move on and not speak to her much, but she calls
all the time. She talks to the girls to say hi, but sometimes
she calls late, when she knows they're asleep. She keeps
playing games with my head. She tells me that I am her
best friend and she's sorry for what she did. She fell in love with
another man at our last duty assignment, and moved with him in California.
She had this affair the whole time she was pregnant with
our third child. Anyway, she wants to come out here in
2 weeks to see the girls and bring the baby back here to stay with
her sisters. I told her that was fine, but then she started saying
weird stuff like she doesn't think she can be in the same
house with me without having sex. That our sex life was
"great," and that she can't wait to see me again! Then
she calls other days and says, "did you start the divorce papers
yet?" I don't get her! She's willing to give up her children
for this guy, but she says that when she comes to see the girls,
she wants to cook dinner, take them to the park and go out as a
family! When I talk about my current life she gets upset. I get
out more often now, and have more fun. I take the girls to church
and we do more things together than before. I have a woman friend
back home in Philadelphia and we're not sleeping together, but we've
gone on a few dates. We talk a lot on the phone and she's really
helped me to get through this bad time. My wife gets so upset she
cries her eyes out, and asks me how can I talk to another woman
"when we are still married." She tries to make
me feel guilty for moving on with my life, I guess.
I tell her that I didn't leave, SHE did--and
that I am trying to move on. The truth is, I love the girl so much
that I still look at pictures of her, and talk to her like we were
never separated. I miss her so much and don't know what to do. On
one hand, she says she loves me and misses me, but then she'll say
things like can I have the vacuum or the TV when we get divorced!
I can't understand her behavior at all, so maybe you could shed
some light on this difficult situation. Thank you ma'am. SSgt USAF
A.
Dear Staff Sergeant, stories like yours are nothing short of heartbreaking.
Your wife sounds like a deeply
troubled woman who's extremely unstable. She has already done irreparable
emotional damage to your daughters by abandoning them,
and this leads to serious trust issues in their future (adult) relationships.
Get professional counseling/support for your situation, which will
help center you, and (therefore) assist your children.
Your friend in Philadelphia sounds like a good woman who cares about
you, but these issues present a greater burden than a developing
relationship should have to carry. Your military rank grants
you leadership responsibility, and this should
serve you personally as well. Set very
firm limits and boundaries for your wife, as she's
obviously incapable
of doing this for herself. Let her know when it's
acceptable to call the girls, and when it isn't.
If she doesn't honor your wishes, turn the phone ringers off at
a designated hour each night. Screen your calls and continue limiting
your conversations/contact with her unless you
have a pressing need to speak about the children's welfare. Let
her know that you expect her to make alternate lodging
arrangements outside your home if/when
she visits, and there will be no sex between you.
This will be less confusing/disturbing for your daughters, and save
you additional betrayal and pain. Your wife's ongoing
come
here/go away tactics reflect
typical Borderline Personality behavior. This is
partly how she manipulates/controls you and the relationship!
Her hot/cold interactions feel confusing, because you can't
relate to this dynamic, and that's a healthy
sign! Given the circumstances you've described, it may
be wise to do paternity testing in relation to your baby girl. I
recommend you read my piece, DO
YOU
LOVE
TO BE NEEDED...
for further insight as to why you remain captivated, despite
this woman's mishandling of you and your kids!
Parenting a child in a loving, healthy manner is the
MOST important job there is. In my view,
your wife has surrendered this role, and abused her privilege to
mother your children. Best of luck in your custody hearing!
Q.
Shari, I was "blackmailed
into fatherhood" years ago by a woman I never married.
My 11 year old son lives out of town with his mother, but I visit
him often, am very involved in his life, and we have a close and
loving relationship. During a recent visit with him, we touched
on some things that he absolutely didn't want to talk about (custody
matters, his mom & I with regard to money issues, etc.). At
one point he said, "you were able to build a house for yourself."
This really pissed me off, and I commented that his (now married)
mom was "able to not have
to work" (due to my financial contributions). I don't think
I should have let my emotions get the better of me--but I feel like
I need to put my feelings out there, as opposed to swallowing
'em and making myself sick (or heavier!). My question is, should
I try and talk about this type of thing with him or should I drop
it? When I left him at school that day, he just turned and walked
away from me. He's never done this, but he's growing up a bit. Is
it appropriate to attempt to talk about this stuff with him when
he won't acknowledge anything, and even gets upset at my broaching
the subject? I realize that this is not a simple yes or no question,
but if I completely drop it, is that a better or worse course to
take, as opposed to forcing him to listen to me try and address
this issue?
A.
I'm aware of how 'lit up' this kind of thing can make you feel (outraged,
invalidated, frustrated, defensive, etc.) and all
your emotions are completely appropriate! Navigating this terrain
with someone so young depends on whether he
broaches the topic or not. I think adult discussions should
stay between adults--otherwise, a child gets caught
in the middle and becomes the instrument of torture used
by his/her parents. Women seem especially adept at using their children
as weaponry toward their ex-spouses or
lovers, particularly if there are borderline
characteristics present! Parental Alienation Syndrome,
or PAS
is very common among enmeshed/overly attached mothers,
or emotionally uneven women who are punishing and vindictive. If
your son initiated this dialogue, you
can respond in a number of ways that address his specific concerns;
but remember that (for now) he lives with his mother, and he's not
only torn emotionally (between the two of you), but is constantly
exposed to her biases and vengeance. Think of this as brainwashing.
He'll likely be able to accommodate a more balanced view of these
issues as he matures--but at present, put the conversation
aside, but not the feelings. It's perfectly
acceptable to let your son know how uncomfortable/hurtful it is
for you when his comments seem generated by
his mother, and only reflect half the picture.
Convey your hope that one day he might feel curious, and
be "open to learning more" about this situation.
Leave it at that.
Q.
Dear Shari, I wrote you before about my situation.
My wife came home and brought the baby back here. We had a great
time while she was here. I asked her a lot of questions about everything
that happened, and she told me that was ok. We slept in the same
bed while she was here and had a lot of intimate time together.
We also had sex. She told me that she still loves me, but she doesn't
think I will trust her anymore. I asked her to stay and she said
she couldn't. I asked her why, and she told me she was pregnant
again, but this time with the other man's
baby! I was shocked but didn't get upset. She asked me if this changes
how I feel about her, and I said no. I don't know anymore what she
wants, so I'm letting go. It's going to be hard though, because
everytime I do, she gives me false hope. What should
I do--I am really confused about all of this. I know I need to be
strong for my babies, but I sometimes feel like I can't. I get overwhelmed
with all of this drama and just shut down. I even told her that
if she would come back, I would help her raise that child too. I
don't know anymore. I don't think she loves me--I
just think she's afraid that if she tells me that, I won't do things
for her anymore or be her friend, or I might hate her for all she's
putting us through! Before she left she told me that there was a
good chance for us to be together again, but I think this is her
way of holding on to me, just in case it doesn't work out with this
(other) guy. I wish you could give me some more advice on this matter.
Thank you. SSgt USAF
A.
Dear Sir; I've been hoping you'd save yourself from this tormenting
(and predictable) outcome! More advice concerning your
situation would only be redundant/repetitive. I strongly recommend
that you re-read my original reply &
suggestions nightly for 21 consecutive days, until these
concepts begin to take hold within you. Take that lid off your feelings,
allow yourself to get upset/angry, and start
trusting the impressions you've shared
with me, as they appear valid/accurate. REMEMBER: No matter what
your heart (or any other part of your anatomy) tells
you, your instincts are your built-in survival
guide, and they'll never lie to you!
Q.
In reference to your article, BLACKMAILED
INTO FATHERHOOD; how does a man adjust to the
serious emotional and financial consequences of this? We never had
what I consider a 'relationship.' She clearly didn't know who I
was, my dreams and ambitions, or if so, certainly didn't have any
respect for me. When I realized what was happening, it was already
too late. You couldn't have timed the conception any better. After
copulating, I asked her where she was in her cycle and
when she told me, I was blown away!! I asked "what
are you doing!!??" and asked her to shower and "clean
up." She refused. The woman even stood up in court (paternity
suit) and said, "I wanted to have a child and not get
married." I'd always been taught not to harm people
with my actions. To have someone "steal" this
from me is a very deep wound that I struggle with. The
feelings I have are often hopeless and suicidal. Having
studied reproductive endocrinology, how could
I have been so naïve?? It's been 13 years,
and I never made contact with her after court. I felt so
ripped off, on a spiritual level. Why
do we prevent forced parentage on women, but allow
it on men? I have married (since then) and have a wonderful wife
and 2 beautiful children, but sadly, they must remain 2nd class
behind the requirements of child support! I've never ever been able
to spend as much on them as on the illegitimate child. Even when
I lost my job (due to downsizing NOT performance) I couldn't get
the support orders lowered for 10 months. WE HAD NO MONEY, AND SHE
COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THAT FACT!! My kids can starve
for all the state cares! The illegitimate child has more
rights and security than my legitimate family! As it turns out,
after she was done fleecing me (13 years ago) she ran right out
and got pregnant with the 2nd man,
and married (and then divorced). She has married yet again (3 times
total) and has another child, and I found out recently that "their"
monthly mortgage payment is exactly what she takes from me in child
support! Doesn't "the problem" ever go
away? Why don't men adopt the kids from previous relationships,
thereby legitimizing them? I guess they don't have to. I've never
seen the child, and have more of a relationship with the state
than I ever had with her! I cannot come to call this child mine.
Some "crimes" cannot be forgiven.
A.
Thanks for sharing your story, so that other men might avoid this
trauma. While neither personal integrity nor naïvete
are gender specific traits, most men are unaware of how
vulnerable they really are, when responding to
their most natural/primal urges. I've heard numerous stories
about females who've lied about where they were
in their monthly cycle, perforated their own supply
of prophylactics, or inserted the contents of discarded
condoms, to impregnate themselves! Your reproductive
education is of little use, when you're not thinking
with your brain. It seems some of your rage is
toward yourself, and this can bring about serious health
risks and depression. It's best to address these
feelings therapeutically, even at a free or low cost clinic.
It would be helpful to take up a sport that allows you to whack
the hell out of something; kick boxing, racquet ball, anything!
Beat your mattress with a baseball bat until you're exhausted--but
get these aggressions out physically in
a way that doesn't harm you or anyone else. I couldn't agree more
with you about our legal system's abusive handling
of these matters! But from where I sit, the most tragic
aspects of these occurrances is that they broaden the chasm
of trust between men and women, and bring
even more children into this world, who
are (on some level) unwanted. This perpetuates
a cycle of pain and dysfunctionality that most
people never try to resolve/heal for themselves, and it's
passed from one generation to the next.
Q.
I read the letter from a man who was tricked into fatherhood.
He talked about how his two "beautiful children" were
not getting enough financial support due to the "illegitimate
child." I guess I am puzzled by your answer. He has three
"beautiful children." This child didn't pick his/her mom.
He has treated this child like an "it,"
and his rage was aimed a great deal at an innocent child. I understand
his feelings of being used and betrayed, but after 13 years, isn't
it time he at least gave the child a break? Holding on to a resentment
like that is like drinking poison and waiting for his ex girlfriend
to die. Someday, this child could come to see him, to come to terms
with his/her life. Will he tell them to f*** off, and blame him/her
for his misery? Will their half brother or sister blame him/her
for the paucity of money growing up? Or maybe this child will finally
get to know his/her father and younger half-siblings. I think you
need to expand your answer beyond validation of his feelings, to
include a little letting go.
A.
Thanks for sharing your well-considered/valid comments and perspectives.
Of all the entries in my forum, this one appears to have special
meaning for you, and I'm glad you've given yourself license
to express these feelings. While my answers can always
be more comprehensive in scope, I try to limit each response to
the matter in question. I do not attempt to tell someone how they
should live their life--or shame
them, like "Dr. Laura"
(whom it appears has borderline features), but rather offer
a roadmap for surmounting an issue, along with some insight and
compassion. Rest assured, a lot of thought/consideration (on many
levels) goes into my replies. In terms of the entry you've referenced,
this fellow was already sitting with plenty of self-judgment,
which (to the trained eye/mind) was palpable. He didn't need me
to judge him further, nor point out consequences he might
face as a result of his choices. With solid professional help, his
position on this issue could very well shift, but this must still
be his decision.