AT ANY
COST:
Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
You're
hurting. You've never felt this excruciating pain before, and you
need it to stop. Perhaps she's left you for another--or
just abruptly left, and this terrible lack of closure has
you confounded. You're constantly replaying each moment of this
relationship in your mind, to comprehend why she's suddenly
gone--and you keep blaming yourself. It's hard to make
sense of these awful feelings, because there could have been times
you thought
of leaving--but you've patiently hung on, hoping it would get
better. Your emotional roller-coaster ride has finally ended, but
all you can think about is having her back.
When
you're involved with a borderline disordered female,
you feel fantastic when things are “good” between you, and miserable
when they're not. You might think of
her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive
and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured
and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel.
During frequent breakups or periods of distancing, you may have
desperately longed for her return, and resorted to elaborate means
to re-engage her.
In
the wake of this involvement, you're probably obsessing
about what she's feeling or doing, who she's screwing, and wondering
if she's thinking at all about you. Your emotionally treacherous
dance with a borderline girlfriend or wife may be over--but if your
feelings of regret, shame and emptiness are so unbearable, that
you want her back at any cost, this was
written for You.
A
man I've known for years once said, "I don't care if somebody
manipulates me, as long as I'm having a good time." His
statement was really funny to me back then--but it perfectly encapsulates
a man's initial experience with a Borderline. Decades
later, this guy craves but avoids romantic involvement,
because all the women he's ever attached to, have been Borderlines!
His
only frame of reference consistently yielded painful outcomes
associated with loving. Current wisdom has informed him, this
prize is no longer worth the price
he'd pay for another go at it. Alas, even aging has its
rewards.
Every
man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but
a Borderline leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed,
castrated, unlovable, emasculated, worthless, etc. You start believing
that if she returns, you'll be able to get rid of these horrible
sensations, and feel okay again. Once in awhile, your rational
mind recalls the torment of that affair, and you're not certain
you want that part of it again--but anything
must be better than what you're feeling now!
I'VE
GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN.
This
conflict between what you need and want, confuses and intensifies
your struggle, because you're hopelessly trapped in yearning for
a woman you've sensed isn't healthy for you. Your ambivalence
is completely normal--but it adds to your feelings of shame
about being out of control and a little 'crazy.' There's a ridiculously
simple explanation for all of this; you've been trying to have a
functional relationship with a dysfunctional female.
Heaven
knows,
you're not perfect--but you've overlooked an awful lot, just to
keep this woman caring enough to stick around. There have
been times that taking care of her feelings and needs was
a full time job--but you've gladly taken it on, and tirelessly kept
trying to get a few crumbs of loving attention along the way. If
you disappointed or let her down in any manner, the character assaults
and twisted perceptions of you as an inconsiderate or "selfish"
man, made you feel just terrible about yourself. These
comments usually came on the heels of the good times, so
you began to believe them, which made you try even
harder to please her!
The
dangerous, diabolical hook with Borderlines, is they initially
come across as genuine, and completely without pretense, guile or
disguise. This helps you drop your guard, and makes it easy to trust
that their statements to you are real--and they're authentic,
integrous individuals. The ease you have felt with them
is so natural and wholesome, it seems you've waited for this your
whole life. These early behaviors are central to their Seduction
Plan; as soon as they sense that you're captivated, you're captured--and
these episodes of delicious intimacy become fewer and farther between.
A
bit further down in this piece, I expose the myths
surrounding Borderlines. That sub-section (THE GOOD, THE BAD
& THE UGLY) is designed to help you start thinking logically
about this mess, untangle the hold this female's had on you--and
begin to recover! These myths are anecdotal to center you,
and assist you in surmounting this awful struggle.
SHE
LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
Borderlines
can leave solid, long-term attachments/marriages very suddenly.
You'll be feeling shocked and bewildered by this--particularly when
she cites frustrations or problems you were never made aware of,
to justify her abrupt departure. You might vacillate between
numbness and tormenting confusion, but what's even worse, is she'll
have you thinking you're responsible for this outcome!
When you've done virtually everything
to keep her satisfied and happy throughout this relationship (which
has included putting your personal needs and desires aside to accommodate
hers), you're left only with a sense of sheer exhaustion,
painful craving and deep betrayal.
Abrupt
departures during mid-life are particularly significant,
because while she could have been exhibiting borderline symptoms
for decades, these may become far more pronounced during marked
hormonal changes, such as pre- or peri-menopause. This concern is
also heightened with regard to menstrual cycles, PMS, pregnancy,
ovarian removal and/or hysterectomies, etc., which can easily catalyze
more acting-out behaviors and psychosis.
Rebound
relationships are extremely common among Borderlines, and
leave men feeling used and discarded--but the same disturbing patterns
that you wrestled with during this relationship,
are replicated with other suitors. It's literally just
a matter of time before they'll meet with a similar fate, and be
suffering as you are. In short, your Borderline will not miraculously
become normal/well with some other guy! Her disruptive behaviors
stem from deeply entrenched survival reflexes. Without highly skilled
therapeutic intervention, she just can't help herself.
Borderlines
are narcissistic--but
you've also observed other problems, like; desperate attempts
to gain attention, intense/irrational abandonment fears, lack of
empathy, extreme jealousy, lying, poor impulse control, extramarital
affairs, drug/alcohol abuse, hypersexuality, 'crazy-making' interactions,
low self-esteem, rebound relationships, passive-aggression, cognitive
distortion, self-harming behaviors, eating disorders, suicidal
ideation, stalking, etc.
You
might have perceived a bit of 'craziness' early on, when she'd become
disproportionately volatile about minor issues that were
troublesome to her. When she shared stories about (vilified) former
boyfriends or lovers, you felt honored to be privy to these intimate
revelations, while assuring yourself it would be different with
you; why not--you're one of the 'good
guys!' During these storytellings, you were made to feel exceptional,
heroic and uniquely unlike all the others. The way she
hung on your every word, gazed into your eyes, touched you and wanted
you, was beyond anything you'd experienced before--and you felt
privileged to have found her. Basically, you were on
top of the world, and could never have imagined falling off.
WHO
ARE YOU--AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?
If
you've dabbled in drugs, loving a Borderline is like chasing after
your first hit of Cocaine, and trying to recapture that initial
'rush' the rest of the night. In the early stages of this
relationship (the Honeymoon), you felt hopelessly captivated, and
intrigued with her intensity. A novel sense of contentment, wholeness
or 'finally arriving,' became part of your everyday experience.
The sensations she engendered in you, had only existed in vague
fantasies--no matter how many close encounters
there had been with other females. This might be the first time
you'd gotten really intimate with someone, and felt like you were
worthy of such a prize--especially if you struggled with
self-esteem issues, earlier in life.
Self-worth
difficulties could have drawn you to this type of woman, and kept
you ensnared beyond all instinct and reason. They could have allowed
you to tolerate/accept her abusive or distancing behaviors, way
beyond what you've known was reasonable or right for you.
She's irresistibly seductive, and may be the most exquisitely beautiful
creature you have ever been with--so any notion of walking away
when the going got tough, seemed inconceivable. If you're relatively
inexperienced in the realm of ongoing, intimate relations, you might
naturally assume "all women are like that," but
they're not!
In
direct contrast to the instability you've observed in this woman,
there are times you've glimpsed what appears to be her wisdom, her
spirituality and her incredible knack for stating things that make
her sound like an absolute authority on health/well-being.
Borderlines are often plagiarists or copycats.
They may have read a plethora of self-help books along their way,
that have helped them assemble their broken shards of ceramic into
a mosaic of sorts, that resembles a whole/definable image.
They have the remarkable capacity to mimic or parrot information
they've read or heard--which helps you regard them as healthy and
sane. This characteristic is particularly
common among Borderlines in the "helping" professions--which
amps up the volume on your ambivalence and confusion about these
women. The primary issue with their Guru Complex, is they can talk
the talk--but there's no way they can walk
it! That would require integrity,
which is a by-product of moral development.
Borderlines
have an uncanny ability to paint themselves into corners
legally, financially, professionally or interpersonally--and then
attempt to make You responsible for the consequences
of those choices! It's impossible to make them see that their impulsivity
brought about this peril, and it's payback for their short-sighted
behavior. Allow them to enter adulthood. Resist
the urge to bail them out.
GOD
KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YA BABY, BUT IT'S EXHAUSTING!
Your
Borderline might have been so insecure and needy, you felt reasonably
certain she would never leave you--but at times, secretly
hoped she would. Her physical ailments inspired your sympathy and
determination to protect her, but you've often marveled at how someone
so young could be so sickly! For the most part, your relationship
moved along pretty smoothly, until you tried to express
any real concerns or needs. The Borderline
Waif can't handle that--after all, it's clearly been your
job to take care of her. The minute you
had a need, she either made you wrong for it, punished you or left.
Having
a serious adult conversation with a Borderline, is like trying to
get a three year old to comprehend, and rationally respond
to the issues at hand. Just when you've worked up the courage to
approach a sensitive topic, she deftly diverts the dialogue
by starting a fight, or accusing you of not loving her, caring about
her feelings, wanting her, etc. At this point, tremendous time and
energy is spent consoling/reassuring her, and reinforcing how much
you really care! The inevitable upshot? Your original concern is
successfully deflected,
and any hope for resolution is abandoned.
The
Borderline's duality generally exacerbates this deflection
issue. She may bully you--but the very
moment you fight back, she can shape-shift into her (victimized)
"poor me" role, and make you out to be
the monster! You will wrestle with this time and time again--because
she's typically the instigator, but you can never make her see it,
or own it. Change cannot occur, because a borderline
disordered person doesn't experience remorse--and when
there's no remorse, there can be no emotional growth or healing.
Regardless
of how proficient or successful she is in her professional
sphere, issues of an emotional nature make you feel like you're
dealing with a little girl, who's living inside a woman's body--and
this continually perplexes you! Just know that your perceptions
are extremely accurate, and developmental arrest is the
culprit behind this odd incongruency.
Giving
love and affection to a Borderline is like trying to fill a well
that has a huge fracture at the bottom; she simply cannot hold it.
In truth, you've had to constantly assure her of your devotion all
along--but no matter how much you have, she just can't seem to integrate
it. A three year old sees his/her world in a black or white sort
of way. They think that you either love them or hate them, based
on your facial expressions, tone of voice and behaviors. As they
haven't yet developed the capacity for mood regulation, they'll
react to the slightest frustration or disappointment, by hating
you! As soon as their immediate upset passes, they revert to loving
you again. Their feelings and perceptions of you can shift on a
dime; within the vernacular of borderline pathology,
this love you/hate you phenomenon is referred to as 'splitting.'
Borderlines
have been torturing men, probably since time began. If you're a
fan of 'Oldies' music, you might remember this song from the late
sixties; Build Me Up Buttercup, by The
Foundations. It was upbeat and fun, but the lyrics say
it all. It may cheer you up a bit, so take a moment and listen
(just hit the 'back' button on your internet browser afterward,
to return here).
THE
GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY--KNOW THY OPPONENT.
I'm
now going to debunk some myths
about Borderlines: First,
they won't all behave identically. You might assume that
certain patterns you've heard or read about can be anticipated with
every Borderline--but it just isn't true. For one; after an
upset or break-up, her return is not chiseled in stone!
It's likely she'll come around when she wants or needs something
from you, but this is only when it suits her--which could
take weeks, months or years.
Second,
Borderlines can make tangible progress with solid therapeutic
help, but you may have a better shot at flying to the moon strapped
to a banana, than keeping them in treatment long enough, to accomplish
any real growth or healing. Don't forget--they're terrified of attaching,
and relying on anyone for their care. They'll act-out
by devaluing the therapist, acting belligerent or picking fights,
being non-compliant and/or seductive, missing appointments, rescheduling
at the last minute, or lying in effort to control
the therapeutic relationship. Week to week, the therapist hears
them diminish you or glorify you, and this splitting reflex
(of course) keeps happening.
Third,
no matter how much you try to please her or love her better,
you're in for a rocky ride. Borderlines can be attracted to narcissistic
or abusive men, because of poor self-image and attachment fears:
What could be safer, than trying to get someone to love
you, who's incapable of loving? The more you demonstrate that she's
lovable, the more disdain she feels toward you. It's kind of like
that old saying; "I wouldn't want to join a club that would
have me as a member," holds true here. You can't be someone
you're not, just to keep this woman interested in you--but your
need to be who she needs you to be, is
deeply rooted in
boyhood.
Fourth,
when you're imagining that she's feeling exactly like you
are, stop it! There are times you'll show up on her radar, and times
you won't--no matter how much history you've shared. An
individual who lives with psychosis does not have the same
feelings or emotional responses as you. To presume that they do,
is unrealistic thinking, narcissistic and potentially very dangerous.
Fifth,
if you're thinking you need her to suffer like you have--and
that being seen with someone new will make her want you
again, watch your back! This is an extremely hazardous game you're
about to play, regardless of whether or not she's left
you for a rebound relationship. Dating a new woman? Keep a low profile,
and put your car in the garage! Is this fair? No, but it's safer.
Sixth,
if you're reflexively making yourself "wrong"
for conjuring up all sorts of terrible fates befalling her, ease-up
on yourself. Your anger is appropriate under these circumstances,
and it's an activating emotion--which gives you
temporary respite from this dreadful depression. Rage is a normal
aspect of your healing process, but try to hold these feelings without
self-judgement, rather than acting on them (unless
you wanna do some push-ups). In other words, express this energy
in ways that won't harm you, or anyone else!
Seventh,
if she calls or "checks in" to see how you're doing in
the aftermath of this relationship, it's never
about you! Your needs didn't matter while she was with
you, and they don't matter now. You may feel grateful she seems
to care enough to keep the connection alive--but her sole purpose
is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter
what she says to the contrary). A three year old hasn't
developed any capacity for empathy
(that comes much later on), so don't presume that she's calling
for your sake.
Eighth,
no matter who left whom, emotional cut-off is second nature
to this woman. It's natural for you to wonder if she ever really
loved you, or meant the things she said while you were together--particularly
if she's diminishing you or your importance to her, now.
Was she "faking it?" No, but you must understand,
this is part of that splitting reflex described above,
and just one of the survival tools she's carried since infancy.
You cannot fix this.
Ninth,
the minute you make contact with her, you're giving away
your power. No matter what you think you need to say
to this female, these dialogues will leave you feeling worse,
not better. You may compulsively replay these conversations in your
head afterwards, and think you did a really good job--but it won't
be long before you're doubting it, and torturing yourself. Do not
intercept her calls; if you decide to return them, do it
when you're feeling more centered, and it's easy/convenient for
you. Don't reply to any emails or text messages,
and do not respond to her "emergencies!" It won't
win her back, or make her think more highly of you. Besides, the
crisis will blow over very shortly; by the time you get
back to her, she's onto something else.
Tenth,
Borderlines don't change, because they don't have to! Her
great looks and captivating charms continually allow her to seduce
men, which feeds her narcissism. Your ego's taken a serious beating,
so you probably can't believe this right now--but you deserve better.
Eleventh,
if you're fairly certain she's rebounding with someone
who's better looking, wealthier, brighter, taller, more loving,
etc., in most instances, this is a totally erroneous
assumption! It's unlikely you'll accept this at present, but she's
more prone to choosing an easier mark the next time around--even
if it's a fellow who feels stuck in an unfulfilling marriage. In
truth, most men are utterly shocked when they finally
discover who she's deserted them for. This
relentless preoccupation with who the
other guy is, taps into childhood deficits that undermined your
self-worth. If you grew up with a dad who was narcissistic, tyrannical,
weak/sickly--or wasn't around much, there's a strong likelihood
that his needs superceded yours--at least, where your mom
was concerned. In short, you've had to compete for a woman's
attention and love your entire life. It is this aspect
that allows you to take her back, after each sexual betrayal with
another man--regardless of how castrating it feels.
Twelfth,
stop assuming that this female is the keeper of
your pleasure and pain! You are the sole proprietor of these sensations;
in short, they belong entirely to you--not
to her. You might be inclined to credit her for bringing these intense
feelings into your life, but they've been inside you all along,
since you were born--she's simply awakened
them. In a sense, you've been sleepwalking since childhood, when
you had to discard certain emotions your parents treated
as unacceptable, or "bad."
Thirteenth,
and perhaps most important: There will
be moments where she'll seem rational and lucid--both while you're
with her, and after the break-up. These episodes have insidiously
kept you in this destructive relationship, by fueling your
capacity to overlook, trivialize or normalize abnormal
behaviors. These phases are very transient/fleeting--but
they've indulged your fantasy that this
lover is really whole, or sane. Watch out for this one!!!
Fourteenth,
Borderlines lacked a healthy symbiotic
bond in infancy with their birth mothers, which is the core
of this difficulty. You may have sensed that she's wanted/needed
you to be a mind reader or Mommy, when these primal needs
got displaced
onto you--but no male on God's green earth is equipped
to take on these roles, or heal the archaic issues that
drive her demands.
Fifteenth,
Borderlines do not "get better"
with age! Rereference my mid-life paragraph above. While
some of their acting-out behaviors can mitigate over time,
these generally transmute into other issues--unless there's
been solid therapeutic intervention along the way; the Witch or
Queen Borderline could adopt Hermit or Waif traits, for instance.
We're not as aware of these folks, because they're no longer
out 'trolling' in Our World. Have you ever noticed
disheveled old people who are living on the street, begging, acting
crazy and muttering to themselves? You're observing Borderline pathology
in the aged, and/or more severe mental disorders, such
as Schizophrenia.
FEMME
FATALES, AND OTHER THINGS THAT GO 'BUMP' IN THE NIGHT
Hundreds
of men have asked me why Borderlines are "so darned seductive."
Are you by chance, a fisherman? Have you ever experienced a time
when you were successful at fishing, without
baiting the hook??
This
woman could make self-aggrandizing statements concerning her appeal
or allure to other males. She may tell you about men who've flirted
with her during an event or outing when you weren't nearby--or she'll
often reference a boss, friend or co-worker who's "got a thing"
for her. This is a manipulation that's designed to cover
several bases--but it's mainly about control.
First,
it's a distancing technique that keeps you on edge--meaning,
uneasy and off-kilter (the better to control you
with, my dear). It's great sport for her to seduce you back--especially
after she's angered you (make up sex is hotter). Her comments
are nothing short of emasculating--and a conscious, sound female
doesn't do that to someone she loves! Rubbing your nose
in this stuff (whether true or not) is the equivalent of
lopping off your balls. You'll resist feeling small and
insignificant--but she generally hits her mark. Second, this behavior
triggers your competitive reflex, because boyhood self-esteem issues
get activated (along with abandonment concerns), and you're compelled
to do something about that! This can take the form of buying
her costly gifts, fawning over her, taking her on elaborate trips/vacations,
etc. Her diabolical maneuvers are designed to make you feel insecure/unworthy,
view her as more valuable than she sees herself, and manipulate
your desire and emotions. And that's just the beginning.
Given
that most
Borderlines are exceptionally bright, they're usually capable of
convincing you that it's your fault or shortcoming,
which has ruptured this relationship. Did you ever buy into this--even
when overwhelming evidence was stacked against her argument, and
you were unequivocally certain she was wrong? Her brilliant (but
twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details,
to where her perceptions often made sense--even
if she completely contradicted herself, from one hour to
the next! You might have doubted yourself at these times, and questioned
if you were going insane. These feelings
were directly related to spending time with someone whose
psychic/emotional balance is profoundly unstable, to say the least.
Once
she's kicked you out or you've managed to leave, her attempts to
lure you back again, could become pitifully desperate/hysterical--she
might even threaten to KILL herself, if
you don't return! This is the ultimate
emotional blackmail, which could be used to influence your behavior--but
resist feeling flattered. These frantic measures are very primitive
reflexes that are being triggered by overwhelming needs,
which have nothing to do with you! If your chaos
has reached this point, urge her to see a mental health professional.
Yes
of course, you'll feel sorry for her! She'll tug relentlessly at
your heart-strings when she's sobbing and telling you how empty,
alone, desperate and sad she is, and you'll feel compelled
to offer solace and comfort, but don't.
Given your childhood programming, it's far easier for you to feel
compassion for another, than for Yourself--and we definitely need
this energy focused on you getting stronger and healthier.
While
she provides a lovely distraction from your own pain and
emptiness, the moment her current crisis blows over, she'll revert
again to that rageful, crazy-making gal you've known all along--and
you're back out in the cold.
HERE
I AM, TO SAVE THE DAY! UH, HANG ON--WHO AM I AGAIN???
The
Borderline's mixed messages keep men confused and off-center. It's
not that they do this stuff deliberately, but their distorted perceptions
and labile moods make you feel like a horse, who's
constantly having his reins jerked right and left, to where
he's overwhelmed and paralyzed--or furious enough to buck that rider
off his back! You're damned when you react, because the
Borderline seizes this as an excuse to sanction
her punishing or abandoning behaviors--and you're damned when you
don't, because you're forced to flee your disquieting ambivalence
about remaining or leaving, with alcohol/drug abuse, working longer
hours, overeating,
etc., just to cope!
Borderlines
can turn good men into monsters. They'll steadily erode a man's
self-worth with subtle/snide comments and other passive
maneuvers, even if their words can't be identified
as wounding or cruel. Their delivery and tone will make you feel
infantalized--as
if she's the critical parent, and you're the little kid, who's done
something terribly wrong. She's masterful at shaming you--and the
saddest part is, you keep buying into it! Some men are
actually moved to violence in these relationships--even
if aggression is completely foreign to their natures.
Think
that therapeutic professionals are immune to Borderlines? Think
again. Dialogues with personality disordered individuals leave us
all feeling like we need a shower to wash off the toxic sludge
their devaluations and guilt trips leave behind. The quicker you
end all contact, the better.
Certain
aspects or common denominators are present in males who attach to
Borderlines. Generally, these are People
Pleaser types, who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem
difficulties from childhood, intimacy issues, engulfment concerns,
poor self-image, dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate
depression), etc. Foundational problems of this kind leave men vulnerable
to being seduced and manipulated by these women. You may be extremely
accomplished and successful--but the Borderline will methodically
learn what's underneath the props, and use your most intimate
secrets and self-doubts against you.
Control
issues may have kept you in this game far longer than you should've
stayed, but skirmishes with the Borderline are always
a no-win proposition. No matter how brilliant/bright you
are, you'll never get the upper hand with this female. Frustrating
challenges might taunt you to keep trying, but this reflex is usually
tied to early life events that helped you feel more valued or
in-charge, and fueled a false sense of self-worth.
Boyhood experiences such as mediating when your parent's
argued--or comforting Mom when she was upset/depressed,
could have cemented your rescuing fantasies. Altering your mother's
mood or your folk's interactions could have helped you gain a sense
of mastery/control in your family environment, which has naturally
influenced all adult dynamics--but a harmonious/loving relationship
with a Borderline is rarely possible, which can be very costly to
your mental and physical health.
The
continuous stress of emotional/psychological warfare affects the
human condition more than physical abuse, and some men
develop serious ailments during their time in these relationships.
Prostate problems, heart conditions, blood disorders, herpes breakouts,
migraine headaches and glaucoma are a few of the souvenirs men have
retained from these relationships--regardless of how physically
powerful they were, before they met the Borderline.
By
the time she's done with you, you could feel like a shadow of your
former self--an empty shell of a man. The Borderline is an emotional
Vampire; she steadily wears you down with constant brainwashing
and drains your vitality. Her skewed perceptions make you feel as
if you're viewing yourself in a Fun House mirror, and you begin
thinking that this distorted reflection of you is accurate!
You've been in survival mode--now you can begin to mend.
NICE
GUYS FINISH LAST.
Every male who
has attached to a Borderline has great difficulty accepting that
he's adored someone who has psychotic characteristics--no matter
how pronounced her disturbing behaviors have been! They
all compulsively want "unequivocal proof" that this woman
is crazy, or even dangerously unstable. Resistance is understandable,
as acceptance involves confronting intricate layers of conflict
within one's own psyche; the most prominent piece of this emotional
lasagna is shame. Entrenched denial of the borderline's
pathology allows a man to side-step asking himself, "if
I'm hopelessly enamored with an individual who isn't healthy or
sane, what's wrong with me?" This shame
response is the leftover from childhood that inspires his
need to normalize bizarre behaviors while in this
relationship, rather than recognizing them as aberrant,
and getting the hell out! The roots of this attraction are deep
and started so early in life, that it's almost impossible to avoid
the Borderline's noxious allure. Certain men's boyhoods were punctuated
with distressing or painful experiences that left behind a relational
blueprint, which has strongly influenced self-worth and partner
selection. This archaic blueprint continues to undermine all relationship
endeavors, not just romantic ones--and curtails productive, healthy
personal and professional alliances.
If
you've fallen deeply in love with a Borderline, you could come away
from this experience having lost your trust in women--but also,
in yourself. In my view, this is the most tragic consequence
of these relationships. Everything you've grown up believing that
you should want in a
female, has come into question during the time it has taken you
to survive and recover from, this emotionally wrenching
affair. Along similar lines of a post-traumatic stress disorder,
you are no longer able to feel confident, that your perceptions
and instincts will serve and protect you. In short, you're left
with considerable scars--and while your head might tell
you that not all women are going to wreak such havoc, your
heart is never again quite sure. Later on in life, you
might be willing to take another risk, but hurtful memories start
to replay each time you contemplate loving again--and
you could talk yourself out of it, before you've even begun. Part
of this pain that's remaining is primitive, meaning it
touches on very old/deep layers within you; why else would
you have such difficulty getting close to someone again?
Love
is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with
admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities.
The feelings you've had for this woman aren't actually "Love,"
they're infatuation, addiction and obsession. Using this word in
reference to her, keeps you trapped in painful yearning--so try
and drop it from your vocabulary. You were understandably inebriated
with how her attention helped you feel about Yourself, but real
love is neither painful nor obsessional. Pain could have become
associated and confused
with loving throughout your childhood--but it's the antithesis
of consistently stable, nourishing relationships.
The
greatest difficulty you may have after this relationship blows apart,
is that when you're unresponsive to her or you've distanced
yourself, you feel guilty. When she neglects or
rejects you, you feel tremendous shame.
Both of these sensations are deeply troubling--which causes substantial
conflict within. In truth, these feelings have been living inside
of you since boyhood, which is why they feel so loaded
or emotionally charged. Unfortunately, they also trap you in a state
of limbo, because it feels bad to stay connected, yet bad to cut
it off. With a little help, this issue can be resolved.
NEW!
HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?
About the Borderline/Narcissist Attraction.
RECOVER:
SHELL-SHOCKED!
Clearing the Fallout from a Borderline Break-up.
Are
you a fixer? Read BORDERLINE
WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't
Want To Be Saved.
DON'T
MISS: BREAKING
UP WITH A BORDERLINE: There must be 50 Ways to leave your Lover.
For
women; learn about the
borderline male.
This
is a companion piece to my much more extensive pages on
dangerous borderline
disordered women. It's meant to help you realize you're not alone
in your struggle, and there's solid help available. Any length of
time spent with a Borderline can be tormenting and toxic. Regardless
of where you are in this world, if you're English speaking,
call (323) 936-3637 anytime day or night. Leave a number
if I miss you, and I'll get back to you very shortly. I'm sorry,
but lengthy emails are not read, due to time constraints.
Please keep your queries brief and to the point, and expect a straight
answer.