IF LOOKS
COULD KILL
Anatomy of a Borderline
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
My
other articles on Borderline Personality Disorder speak to elements
in the Borderline that seduce you and keep you enraptured, despite
their push-pull emotional gymnastics, disruptive come here/go away
cycles, and confusing, crazy-making behaviors. This piece exposes
the volatile and frightening dark side of this individual who has
gotten you under their spell and won't let go, but also uncovers
the root cause of these issues. There's a comprehensive
list of features and traits in this article that may help you determine
if you're involved with an individual who has BPD--or serve as a
self-diagnostic tool.
While
many BPD people have killer looks, not all Borderlines
are beautiful or handsome--but that doesn't make them any less seductive
or diabolical. It's much easier for a great looking man or woman
to find continuous streams of narcissistic supply via adulation
and romantic pursuit from others, and until this 'ego fuel' isn't
available, they won't consider therapy. Why should they? Humans
don't change, until what they've been doing doesn't work
for them anymore--or they're in enough pain, to re-direct their
energies and efforts.
In
the midst of mending from these intoxicating but dangerous relationships,
dozens of men have described a terrifying "demonic" influence
that appears to inhabit their beloved when she's confronted with
her lying, manipulations and betrayals--or some sort of (minor)
infraction on their part, has catalyzed the most horrifying change
in her facial expression. Many have reported; "it's like sparks
flew out of her eyes," or "there's such a cold and hideous
mask" that showed up, they couldn't recognize the woman they've
loved so deeply. If looks could kill, they believe they'd
be dead after one of these episodes.
A
female client recently expressed that her (male)
borderline friend "looked like the Devil himself,"
during vitriolic rages where his terrible verbal abuses were spat
at her, like molten lava spewing from a (suddenly) active volcano.
Other times, she says his demeanor was very peaceful and "cherubic"--a
man you'd never suspect, was capable of such volatility.
But how does this facet of "pure evil" manifest in somebody
we've felt so close and loving with, just minutes or hours earlier?
Would they recognize themselves, if we held up a mirror when this
vile darkness overtakes them? Might they see the distorted face
of a rageful/punitive parent, instead of their own? (Is it what
you see?)
Jazz
singer/pianist Diana Krall epitomizes this issue in her song, Lost
Mind from the Love Songs album. Take a moment and listen.
The
duality of a Borderline is perhaps the most confounding issue one
faces at the onset of their courtship, and throughout the remainder
of this dance. Some folks have asked me whether MPD (Multiple Personality
Disorder) is a factor in their experiences with a Borderline, and
while 'dissociative identity' fits under the same BPD canopy that
houses a panoply
of other diagnosable issues, the Borderline vacillates between being
either the all-good or all-bad partner. Basically, there's no 'grey'
area with these individuals--which means they're frequently misdiagnosed
with Bipolar Disorder.
Mood disorders keep someone fluctuating between feeling extremely
depressed or elated (and/or agitated), during manic or hypomanic
episodes. Bipolar disorders frequently coexist with BPD--but
irrational jealousy, physical violence and other abusive interactions
are not part of a bipolar picture!
As
for clinical
BPD terminology, 'splitting' isn't just an issue
that Borderlines demonstrate with you--they also experience it within
themselves. At times, they might view themselves as powerful, seductive,
brilliant beings. At other times, they feel worthless, unlovable,
invisible and defeated. During these periods, their own
lack of worth and sense of shame is projected onto you.
Borderline
personality disturbances have finally gathered more attention
and interest lately--and even the psychological community is speculating
about what spawns this disorder, and how to treat it. In truth,
very few folks who report about this issue have any experience with
healing it--nor do they have a sense of it's etiology. At its very
core, BPD is not a mental problem--it's an emotional one
that colors and distorts cognition. Healing from this disorder is
not just a function of the mind--it's a matter of the heart.
BPD
isn't something we're born with--nor is it inherited. It is not
due to an innate 'over-sensitivity' that leaves us at risk for acquiring
it as we grow into adulthood. While behavioral models of treatment
can help curb the volatile acting-out impulses, Borderline Disorder
can't be eliminated with modalities such as DBT (Dialectical Behavior
Therapy) that focus on the here and now--but don't address infancy
and childhood attachment issues and abandonment trauma, which drive
a litany of clinical and social concerns.
While
clinical
disorders can be inherited genetically, personality disorders
are shaped by our earliest relational experiences. Those imprints
shape how we feel about ourselves, and determine the extent
to which we're able to forge trust in others (and Self). Much of
BPD distress occurs within the first year of life, due to inadequate
bonding or emotional attunement with Mother. These primal deficits
usually continue to influence self-worth and partner selection for
a lifetime.
A
Borderline in treatment, yearns to make sense of their inner turmoil,
as it feels dysfunctional and shameful. Cognitive therapy alone,
can't provide the insights necessary to bring about compassion for
the Self, and help one grow to allow and trust a process that must
provide patient, nourishing, corrective re-parenting, along with
emotional education that fosters self-actualization.
The
intensely confusing and paradoxical behavior patterns of the Borderline
are simply defenses that were learned growing up, in order to survive
those kinds of experiences in their home, as a child. You might
say, the Borderline is actually showing you, what he or
she had to contend with as a little kid.
These
types of events are deeply troubling and confounding to a small
child, who is supposed to learn how to make sense of his/her life
experiences from their parents. But if the parents are
screwed up/inept, and they're constantly sending confusing/conflicting
messages to their child, what chance does this kid have, to hold
onto anything that resembles normal, human interaction?
These
people are damaged and developmentally arrested, which drives a
lot of acting-out behaviors. The following traits are typical
of someone with borderline pathology, and come with the territory:
*Unstable/rapidly-shifting
patterns of relating; hot/cold, come here/go away, push-pull dynamics.
*Quick
involvement, premature talk about living together, marriage or having
a baby. Pregnancy
entrapment.
*Attachment
and abandonment fears, avoidant personality.
*Abusive
and rejecting emotionally, psychologically and/or physically.
*Addiction
to chaos and drama. Short-lived serene/harmonious periods.
*Cognitive
distortion or thought disordered. Strangely incongruent responses
to your attempts to communicate openly or engage.
*Commitment
phobic, disrupts/runs away from closeness and intimacy.
*Crazy-making
interactions. Poor comprehension skills, lacks common sense.
*A
desperate need for attention/approval from you and others.
*Dissociated,
disconnected, shut-down, 'checked out' or numb.
*Drug,
alcohol and/or food abuse (eating disorders).
*Expects
you to be a mind-reader or mommy, and intuit his/her needs.
*Extreme
jealousy, and the need to separate you from other attachments.
*Inappropriately
flirtatious with others, even in your presence.
*Gaslighting;
makes you doubt your perceptions, or think you're going crazy.
*Guilting
and shaming you during and after the relationship; when anything's
gone wrong, it's always your fault.
*Highly
manipulative and controlling.
*Hoovering;
subtle or obvious attempts to re-engage you, suck you back into
their life, seduce and manipulate you, etc. BPD's use pitiful outcries
for help, or sneaky efforts to get to You through your
kids, your friends or family.
*Hypersexuality
or asexuality (non-sexual).
*Infantile
behavior; tantrums, rageful outbursts, persistent baby-talk, etc.
*Infidelity,
extramarital affairs, 'cheating' on partner.
*Inflated
sense of self; grandiosity or false sense of entitlement.
*Intense,
irrational abandonment fears/concerns.
*Kitchen-sinking;
during your relational upsets, they bring up everything (but the
kitchen sink) you've ever done 'wrong' and clobber you with it--whether
it was resolved at an earlier time, or not! This derails problem
solving.
*Lack
of remorse or empathy, and unwillingness to own their mistakes/flaws.
*Lying
and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
*Needy,
clingy or overly dependent.
*Only
wanting/loving you when there's distance--or they can't have
you.
*Paradoxical
emotional responses; when you love them more, they love you less.
The closer you get, the more they need to distance.
*Passive-aggression;
acting it out, rather than talking it out.
*Pervasive
feelings of hopelessness, helplessness or pessimism.
*Physical
ailments, pain, allergies, diseases--even if very young.
*Poor
impulse control. Capable of volatile or violent behaviors. Vandalism.
*Poor
self-worth, insecurity, low self-esteem.
*Projection;
they assign their own deficits/faults, to you.
*Rebound
relationships are very common (the bed never gets cold).
*Selective
memory or recall of events pertaining to their screw-ups. When it
comes to yours, his/her mind is like a steel trap!
*Self-harm
or self-mutilation; cutting/burning skin, picking at blemishes until
there is significant damage to adjacent tissue, numerous piercings,
tattoos, etc., poor or distorted body image.
*Self-sabotage
in personal and/or professional realms.
*Sexual
molestation or incest in childhood (which may not be remembered).
*Significant
lapses in childhood memory.
*Splitting;
idealizing or devaluing behaviors, love you/hate you, and black
or white perceptions.
*Stalking;
following/shadowing you, incessant text or phone messages, etc.
*Suicidal
ideation and emotional blackmail; "I don't want to go on living--I'll
kill myself if you leave me/don't return," etc.
*Tricotillomania;
an ongoing compulsion to pull out facial hair (eyelashes, eyebrows,
etc.) or body hair. Considered a facet of self-mutilation.
This
piece is a work in progress. Check back soon for more.
NEW!
THE
GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?