WHEN
LOVE IS JUST A FOUR LETTER WORD
Understanding the Borderline Personality
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
If
you've ever been involved with a borderline disordered individual,
you've struggled with mass confusion.
Just the disparity between their words and actions alone, has you
running in circles, and trying to make sense of it all. Should you
believe your lover when he/she states they "love
you more than anything, and all they want is your happiness"--or
should you accept their destructive, diminishing behaviors as proof
that all those declarations aren't actually true? You'll reluctantly
wonder about their emotional health/sanity, because one minute they're
adoring you--but just an hour or so later, they're breaking up with
you! Yes, 'mass confusion' is putting it lightly.
In
the 1964 movie My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison's character sings this
plaintive lament; "Why can't a woman be more like
a man? Men are so honest and thoroughly square, eternally
noble and historically fair." Truth is, Borderlines are
more like men--at least, at the onset of their relationships! They
present as comfortable/at ease with their sexuality (and what man
hasn't wished for that his entire adult life?). There are
facets of the Borderline that can make you feel like you're with
one of the guys. She's forthright, open, easy-going and
fascinating, all encased in one lovely package. She adores all the
things you do--and it feels amazing that this delightful
creature is so into you.
This
is The Hook of course--the honeymoon phase of your relationship,
which has you excusing/overlooking her debilitating, castrating,
abusive behaviors once you're on her line, and that barb is so deeply
imbedded, you can't even think of struggling free, for
the injury it will cause you! You drop your guard when she says
she's "just into something casual--and you've no cause
for concern." You want to believe it--and so
you do. I mean, who the hell would turn down this gorgeous person
who wants to spend their days worshiping at your alter? The trouble
is, those bad/crazy episodes soon begin multiplying, and now you're
in the thick of it. You're hooked--and there's no turning back,
despite their push-pull emotional gymnastics, love you/hate you
stuff, etc.
At
first, the Borderline mirrors for you, absolutely everything
you've always wanted to believe about yourself! As the relationship
gets underway though, they echo how you really feel about
yourself, deep down beneath your props or the markers
of your success (the fancy houses/cars, your prodigious skills in
bed, your thriving business, your splendid physique, etc.). You
keep trying to revive that first image
of yourself (at least, in their eyes), but it's futile.
You
might not have had much experience with real Love during
the course of your life, so these contradictory messages can feel
horribly confounding. The initial stages with a Borderline are sublime--and
quite unlike anything you've ever experienced before. You start
feeling as if you've finally found what you needed, your whole life.
Hence, when he/she begins pushing away or finding fault with you,
you'll be thinking; "this is only temporary--and I'll just
fix the problem, or wait until it blows over. Surely they really
love me, so this must be a simple misunderstanding,
or glitch in communication."
Before
you know it, sorting
through this difficulty takes center stage in your world, and
you're committed to doing whatever it takes, to rectify
it. Even if you're not sure you've made an error, your partner's
reactions are sufficiently intense/volatile to suggest that you
must be the one who's at fault.
No
matter how much you try to resolve/work through this conundrum,
your lover has his/her own spin on it, and keeps needing to put
the blame for this rupture on you. They'll never be able to see
this issue from your perspective, nor will they accept
your explanations of what you think actually happened. They begin
bringing up things about you and your personality that just aren't
true, and you start having to defend yourself in the midst of trying
to fix the original upset. Now, you're completely thrown
off your game, and there's no end in sight. In short, this little
'speed-bump' has turned into a gargantuan hurdle--and to make matters
worse, your character is being impugned!
If
you've learned as a kid to be an accommodator, and you're
accustomed to always putting other's needs/feelings first, you may
find yourself apologizing for crimes you haven't commited--just
to restore harmony and peace to this relationship. God knows, your
partner won't own their mistakes--and you've learned that
days or weeks could pass, before he/she stops punishing you by withdrawing,
and this cold war is finally over (for awhile, anyway).
You might be tempted to "take the higher road" and bridge
this chasm, but has anyone ever done this with you--or is it just
your job to make things right?
Every
person who contacts me for help to recover from these relationships
is immersed in guilt and shame. This doesn't feel like any other
break-up, and you can't just walk away--not with your ego intact,
anyway. You're raw and hurting--and the worst part is, you're beating
yourself up for it! A long-held belief might be;
"If I feel bad in a relationship, it must surely be my
fault" but that's an assumption you cultivated as
a child--and it's erroneous!
WHAT'S
LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
Love
is an abstract concept for somebody with BPD--and it's associated
with pain. A Borderline's yearning for love is experienced
as dramatically intense sensations that were mixed and confused
with affection for an unresponsive, unavailable parent
in childhood, and learning what unrequited love
felt like.
The
paradoxical nature of a Borderline is difficult to wrap your head
around, as their reactions are often the opposite of how
you'd think someone should respond, and it messes with your mind.
For instance, the closer you get to him or her, the more they need
to distance. For healthy folks, love and trust grow with
time, and intimacy deepens. With the Borderline, as soon as they
feel safe and good, attachment concerns are stirred, abandonment
fears are right behind--and they have to push you away. Their survival
depends on it, because to love, means devastating pain
will follow. You can't change this.
The
Borderline's deep need for love doesn't go away--but when you offer
it, painful feelings associated with longing for that love
evaporate. Infatuation is exhilarating, but fleeting. Love
is sustainable--and therefore, untenable.
As
an analogy, you may crave a favorite food. You're needing this appetite
satisfied, and nothing else will quite hit the mark. After you eat
that meal, your craving is sated, and you're appeased. With the
Borderline, as soon as you gratify their hunger for love,
the sensations of "love" vanish. Given that love and pain
have become entwined for them, someone with BPD believes; if it
doesn't hurt, it must not be love--so folks who are capable
of providing the love they really need, are taken for granted, punished
or cast aside. Can it be, that this has also been true during the
course of your life?
The
BPD paradox
issue can be nothing short of excruciating, if we've always sought
a parent's or older sibling's approval and affection, and keep coming
up short--no matter how much we've contributed to those
relationships. Ties that bind can also feel imprisoning, if our
self-worth is tied to the distorted reflections from dysfunctional
others. This is like daily looking into a warped Fun House mirror,
and coming to accept that image of yourself as accurate!
It
isn't that Borderlines haven't wanted love--it's
that they have never been able to trust it! Partners who occasionally
meet their need for closeness are less threatening than those who
can provide it on a consistent basis.
Loving
a Borderline means you're always walking a high-wire, which is based
solely on their emotional comfort, feelings and needs--and
there's zero room in that relationship, for yours. You'll spend
a lot of time and energy thinking about how to balance on this tightrope,
so you don't fall and crack your head open--but it's a futile exercise.
In truth, the more you give-in to this person, the less they respect
you. How can they, when you can't respect yourself?
A
small child cannot hold feelings for very long, and emotional dysregulation
is natural to this phase of development. They're monumentally disappointed
if you've promised something you can't deliver--and they'll hate
you, throw a temper tantrum or pout, when they don't get their way.
It's usually a pretty short period before their temperament shifts,
and they're giggling and loving you again--and if you've spent any
real time around an infant, you know how easy it is to cheer them
up. It might only take a lollipop.
Part
of this acting-out involves their need to learn where your limits
are, and how far they can push the envelope with you, before they
get punished. This stage is usually referred to as 'the terrible
two's,' but it lasts for awhile--and you'll get so frustrated at
times, you might find yourself thinking; how can I flush this rascal
down the toilet? The Borderline hasn't developed their own container--and
like a toddler, they're dependent on you to make the rules,
so they can feel protected. They're continually having to test
these limits, because they haven't grown any of their own--and
their absence of impulse-control is what Dr. Sigmund Freud
termed the "Id" or infancy impulses, that define
their need for instant or immediate gratification.
An
infant is ruled solely by instinctual, libidinal urges.
There is no capacity for mood regulation, empathy, higher thinking
or sensing right from wrong. Their needs are primal/selfish, because
their survival depends on it. If adult development
hasn't been successfully acquired, narcissism typically results.
An emotionally underdeveloped person continually wrestles with relationship
difficulties, addictions, personality disorder traits, low self-esteem
and poor tolerance for delayed gratification.
Higher-functioning
Borderlines within the psychotherapeutic community, may have developed
solid clinical skills--but frequently maintain erratic push-pull
dynamics in their romantic relationships. Nourishing friendships
and collegial attachments are often sabotaged, when another is viewed
as wiser or more gifted than they, because (inevitably) their core
shame is invoked.
Certain
materials on the Internet speak about 'hoovering.' I generally resist
using hackneyed terms associated with this disorder, but this one
perfectly describes a Borderline's nature to want/need you, as soon
as they're aware they can't have you! The challenge of sucking you
back in when their craving erupts, is what that word encapsulates.
Once their appetite abates, they're done with you all over again--and
this repetitive cycle continues, until one of you gets sick and
tired of it. Literally.
Borderlines
weren't able to form solid bonds of trust during infancy with their
mothers. They couldn't get enough attention, mirroring and nurturing
in the earliest stages of life. Every child needs these crucial
emotional supplies to believe they're lovable, and build a sturdy
sense of Self. Children who grow up without these elements, assume
those deficits are their fault--and they must be flawed
and unlovable. If you've become a People
Pleaser, this could also have happened to you. The truth is,
you've both wrestled with similar ego
wounds, and your piece fits into his/her puzzle, and
vice-versa.
This
is a work in progress. Check back real soon, for more.
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